Kanzi's journal

[kanzi]

I am very bad at this and apologies for my English, Everything I write is honest and a spur of the moment, please don't expect to find any logic in my journal.

Here it goes,

Three days ago I registered on this website, i was and still am lost, my whole life is upside down due to P. When I try to do something P is there to sabotage, it clouds my mind distracts me and makes me prostpone not just what i was suppposed to be doing, but my whole life. I have enough and I will stop today.

The first things I am going to do is:
- Write down all the negative effect P has on me so i can look at it when the urges come.
- Meditation every morning and evening
- Delete all my P, i did on the computer but i still have a HD laying around. (Kinda horrible how i am lying because i mentioned in another topic that i've already deleted everything)
- Put on an internet filter

I want to take small steps because I don't think any other way would work for me.

[outofhiding]

Hi Kanzi, Welcome to TTF!

For the record, your english is great.

One of the things that resonated with me in your post was about lying. As PAs, that's kind of what we've become used to- lying. Lying about our problem, to both others and ourselves, lying about how we've been spending our time and/or money, and lying about our evil twin, so to speak.

So one of the biggest things for me in my recovery (and it's still a work in progress, trust me, I'm not talking from a vantage point of lots of experience of hundreds of days clean) has been 100% honesty. Not lying to others or to myself. When I slip up, I slip up, and I don't make excuses for it. I don't hide it from my accountability partner(s). And when I feel triggered or cravings or think that I might be susceptible to fall again sometimes soon, I call them up, I talk to my girlfriend, I tell them what's going on, and I shut the computer. I don't lie to myself and say that I can handle it, clearly I can't.

So that was just a little piece of advice I wanted to offer- seek 100% honesty. Once you drag your addiction into the light, it can't thrive any more in the darkness. It'll slowly start to die. Like I said, I'm not some perfectly recovered previous addict (and in fact, just had a relapse recently), but I truly feel that since I've started that I've learned a lot and made progress (2 years ago I couldn't go 4 days clean, let alone 34), and would like to pass some of those ideas along in the hopes that they might help somebody else :)

[HopeandDespair]

Keep posting!

[kanzi]

I am late with my update and you know why? Because it is 6AM and i haven't been doing anything positive at all. I went online and searched P again, now I can't sleep I am angry, I am sad, I am furious. Why do i keep dissapointing myself!

[Rockinastorm]

You said you want to take small steps in your recovery.
I challenge you to post here once each day with a new small step.
Do it at the beginning of the day if you can, so that you have that full day to take that step and make yourself stronger.

Don't spend too much time being mad at yourself for slipping.
Take that energy and use it to think about how you can become stronger!

[kanzi]

Thank you for your comment outofhiding, the lying is indeed a big problem and goes hand in hand with postponing. Every day, when the cravings come up I think to myself ‘one more time’, only to regret it later on. You would think I should know better having this knowledge, but I don’t. I really appreciate your input it is always great to hear how other people deal with it. And yes I have to start getting real and become honest with myself, I will follow your advice and work on it.

You’re absolutely right Rockinastorm, the thing is I was angry because it has been over a year ago I last felt this restless to the point that I can’t even sleep, and slipping away like that brings back horrible memories. I have slept for two hours but I feel much better right now. This time I really deleted all my P and installed a filter. I just hope it helps I have become so creative at looking for P. I will accept your challenge! No more excuses, I really can’t afford it!

[kanzi]

I need to do one more thing which I promised to do and that is naming the negative effects P has on me.
- I am always stressful
- I can’t concentrate on anything P is always on my mind
- P became the priority
- Fatigue
- Pain in my joints and muscles
- Shame and guilt
Al this has caused me great pain in both my social and professional life. I neglected friendships; this secret I am carrying is keeping everyone at distance. Family has no idea why I am failing in all the projects I start, I caused them allot of pain with my lies. And in my professional life I have so far never finished school and or held a job for longer than 4 months. This year was supposed to be a great year where I started Uni, but I never studied I was too busy watching P or thinking about P while I was studying thus I am failing. It is enough, I want to feel better and just live a life where I can be myself.

So I have been reading here and there, and I recognize so many things and see so many fellow individuals who go through the same, it really helps reading about others mistakes and successes. In another thread, ‘recoverynation’ was mentioned so I am also going to follow the recovery workshop, I will start ‘lesson one’ after this post.

I feel somewhat better now that I have put on an Internet filter. It feels like a step in the right direction. But is this feeling real? My emotions are all over the place, it feels like a rollercoaster. I feel good right now but to good; I am in no way trying to deny myself from having these positive feelings, but it is not a stable feeling. I need to become more realistic and at peace because the bigger the shifts in my emotions the harder I set myself up for failure. I think it is important to understand that it is my mind playing tricks on me which in its turn strengthens the cravings.

[kanzi]

So it is evening now and I feel it coming up. My concentration is gone so it is hard for me to focus on anything else. My whole body is tingling. I can't sit still, especially in my legs, knees and ankles together with a rollercoaster feeling in my stomach. Right now I am trying to focus on why P is bad and why I shouldn't go look it up right now. Thank god I installed that filter It is working like a charm. I feel like jogging it off but it is pitchdark outside. I'll go meditate instead. I feel strong though, It wont happen, atleast not tonight!

[HopeandDespair]

Hang in there Kanzi. . . I can relate with what your going through. This is not an easy thing, I know how hard it can be. Keep us posted!

[kanzi]

So yesterday I was good all day long, except for the evening. I was browsing the internet and one thing led to another. I was looking at pictures and i thought to myself 'its not really P it is ok', so after a while I just disabled the filter and went browsing. Then I thought, 'I am only looking at it not MBing', well I was wrong. I used all kind of excuses to watch P and MB. Why do I do it? How do I counter this? Ooh well another day another chance.