The Long & Winding Road

[HopeandDespair]

I began a journal on another general psychology forum so I think I will just copy and paste what I've posted there. . .

I have watched porn and masturbated on a daily basis for the past 8 years. Not every single day, but any time I have had the opportunity I have never been able to resist. I have thousands and thousands of pornographic videos and pictures saved in my computer. I want so badly to overcome this addiction, yet, I still get so much pleasure from it. After every time I masturbate to porn I always say to myself that this was the last time, that starting tomorrow I am going to stop. Yet, tomorrow comes and the thought comes into my mind that masturbating to porn sounds like a pretty good idea. Somehow, I completely forget all about the promises I made to myself the night before, and once again the cycle repeats. I have tried with all of my willpower to stop and I lose every time. I don't know what to do. I just masturbated to some newly downloaded videos no more than 30 minutes ago. I have a highly addictive personality and I just don't know where to begin to stop.

I don't want to pay for treatment. I am extremely embarrassed to talk with anybody in person. I don't know what to do. I know what I don't want to do, but it seems that though my actions speak otherwise. I feel stuck!

I believe that my life would be so much better without this addiction in my life. Please help me!

[HopeandDespair]

The problem is that my porn watching/masturbating habit has destroyed my sex-life. Because I have become so accustomed to the way I make myself feel, nothing else is able to get me off. My girlfriend of 4 years believes that she is somehow inadequate. I want to do any experiment and see if I can go for a month or something without watching porn and see if it makes a difference. Perhaps I will journal on this thread about my experience.

Today I did not watch any porn. I feel anxious. . . I'm not sure if I am going to be able to go a whole month without watching porn. Honestly, I'm quite terrified, but I've never abstained from it for more than a few days at a time since I was 15. I just feel ashamed when I watch it. I feel like I'm somehow I'm an immoral person. I'm afraid that my girlfriend will find out that I still watch it (I promised her months ago that I would quit after she stumbled across an old usb drive full of porn videos). If she finds out I still watch it, she is sure to break up with me.

I have thousands of videos saved on an external hard drive. . . and I'm always a little anxious that she will somehow find it. I feel like it is only a matter of time before she discovers me and all hell will break loose. I know I am addicted because I honestly want to stop and have not been able to.

My hope is that if I can abstain from porn and masturbating that eventually I will be able [to have normal] sex. Maybe [I will be] resensitized and I will be able to feel greater sensations. It's just humiliating never being able [to climax]. . . sex is always disappointing.

[HopeandDespair]

Thanks for your reply Alex, it really helps to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this issue. . . I guess I just don't know what kind of drastic measures I should take! It is a humiliating condition, and I really don't want to go to treatment or anything like that. I don't really have the money or the health insurance to do that kind of thing. I fear that things will get much worse before I hit the necessary "bottom" that it so often required before one can make some progress with overcoming addiction. I'm powerless over porn. . . powerless over masturbating to it.

I feel as though my porn addiction has stripped me of my self-esteem and confidence. I no longer know which came first, social anxiety or my dependency upon porn. I mean, I feel like I am always carrying around this deep dark secret. . . and it weighs on my chest. I feel like such a phony when I try to pretend that I'm not "hiding" anything from my girlfriend. Ughh. . . I need some guidance here!

It's currently 3:30pm where I live. I just want to get through the rest of the day clean. . . I'm absolutely terrified! The last time I watched porn was Saturday March 26 (2 days ago). . .

If any one has had a similar experience and knows what I'm going through please share! I need some hope!

[HopeandDespair]

Panzer and Alex, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I am very appreciative of your thorough and immediate feedback. I am really in a vulnerable state, and your suggestions are helpful.

Today I did not look at porn. . . it crossed my mind a few times but I got through another 24 hours. This is a really big deal for me, as I have not abstained for more than 2 days in a really long time. I'm terrified, but I am desperate to stop.

Fasting does seem to have a negative stigma attached to it. . . as part of a certain spiritual practice that I occasionally participate in (sweat lodge) I often fast the day of the ceremony.

My most vulnerable state is generally at night time after my girlfriend goes to bed. I find myself alone and on my computer. I begin to think about my favorite porn sites and what "new" and "exciting" videos are waiting for me. I type in the address and shoot off into my own little sexual cyberworld where I am god and all my little sexual fantasies become real in my mind. I love browsing through to see what new girls are waiting to show me their naked bodies. And at that point all bets are clearly off because I'm not exiting until I've been sexually gratified. But after I cum I feel nothing but shame. I feel that once again I have caved in to my lower nature. . . lust has once again left me defeated and demoralized. My self-esteem drops a little bit more, and that dark shadow of hopelessness gets a little darker. I feel like a prisoner. Like no matter how hard I pull against the chains that bind me the more I feel their resistance.

I'm grateful to have another day of abstinence from porn, and to have this new found outlet that has connected me to others. It is a relief to feel as though I'm not alone. . . to know that there are others out there that understand what I'm going through.

[HopeandDespair]

Aghhh! Today is really tough. . . I feel major cravings and am having a difficult time. I want so badly to quit porn and masturbating but this is really getting tough. I don't really know what to say. . . I just want to make it through the rest of the day without doing it. I want to lay my head on my pillow tonight and be satisfied with another day of abstinence from porn. I don't want to give in to the temptation, but all I can think about is how badly I want to! My mind is going crazy and I can't stop thinking about naked women. . .

I feel a ton of anxiety and I don't know how to relieve it without porn. I need to stay busy today and be around people. I keep chewing my lips. . . I am way stressed out of my mind!

I feel restless.

[HopeandDespair]

I'm still hanging in there. I have tons of homework and I'm really stressed out. I want so badly to give in! Ahhhh. . . this sucks! I don't even remember the last time I went 3 days in a row though! I want so badly to make it. . .

[HopeandDespair]

I'm still abstinent. . . it is currently 12:30am and I am just wrapping up my homework for the evening. I have the urge to browse through some sites but I'm going to go to bed instead. . . I am exhausted. I don't remember the last time I've made it three days! Grateful for another 24 hours of abstinence.

[HopeandDespair]

Still abstinent. . .

For some reason I feel as though this forum has provided me with a bit of accountability. When I feel like giving in I think of this forum and it seems to provide me with some strength that I otherwise would not have alone.

Does anybody know of a sexual addiction forum that is more active though? One in which I can interact daily with others that are going through the same thing and/or have found a solution?

I know sexaholics anonymous is designed that way but with the line of work that I'm in I feel as though I really cannot risk it. . . if people were to find out about my problem I would certainly lose my job. I am wondering if there is a way to participate in a sexaholics anonymous type program online?

I just need daily interaction with others with this same problem. . . I need an active support system. . . any help would be gratefully appreciated!

[HopeandDespair]

It's about 10:45pm. . . I feel very weird, almost like I'm having some kind of withdrawal symptoms. I feel a strong physical craving to watch porn and masturbate. I feel like I'm on edge, like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. My anxiety is sky high and I feel almost jittery like I have a bunch of nervous energy built up. That's it. . . I feel like a bottle of pepsi that has been shaken up. I feel pressure. I know the feeling must be temporary so I'm going to keep hanging on and try to get through it. I am amazed that I've been able to remain abstinent for this long. I don't think I've been able to go 4 days since 9th grade.

This is such a complicated addiction. Sex is a natural instinct, yet I've managed to get to a point where it exceeds its proper function. I have no idea what healthy sexuality is, for I have always taken it to the extreme. Women have always been objects for me to use in my quest for sexual gratification. I feel terrified when I think of much I have yet to learn before me. . . I'm trying to keep focused on doing this deal just one day at a time.

[HopeandDespair]

I feel restless and irritable. Like a crack addict in need of a fix. My body is craving it. . . I feel weak and extremely anxious! Since I began masturbating at the age of 15 I don't think I've ever managed to go more than 5 days without masturbating and/or looking at porn.

I feel like I just have a ton of built up energy that needs to be released. I'm thinking about going for a jog or something. I have a ton of school work due tonight and I am just really really stressed out. I normally will masturbate to relieve stress but I'm trying so hard not to.

I wonder if it will get easier? I understand I'm only 5 days into this thing but I've never been much for pain.

It's feels good to be on a forum that is so focused on the problem that I have. I am interested in connecting with those that have found success and learn how they did it!