RobP413

[RobP413]

I have actually debated posting this for a while now, just because.. it was hard to write, and hard to read, I think, but, the conclusion I came to is that if I am going to go about this process fully, seriously, 100%, no excuses, it’s probably time to be uncomfortable here on TTF. Only through that can I fully heal, IMO.

So here is the post I typed.. months ago, while still “lurking” on the forums. I apologize for the length.

-------------

“I think I have an addictive personality.”

One of my friends said that once, years ago. I don’t remember what about. But more and more, I have begun to think that the statement applies to me.

I’m not passing judgment on myself; all I’m saying is that I have an addictive personality. I don’t gamble, I don’t do drugs or smoke, etc., but I am a PA. And I think if I “tried” drugs, I’d probably start doing them.

P, I have come to find, is similar to drugs, or at least what I know of them. P is designed to simulate the real life activity which causes a massive release of dopamine in the brain. In certain instances, although it has many other functions, dopamine can be classified as the “pleasure hormone”. Certain illicit street drugs cause a very similar hormone release.

An experiment was done with rats years ago, where an electrode was implanted into a certain area (nucleus) of the rat’s brain, which when activated, stimulated the same release of dopamine that I just mentioned. This occurred in a rat’s cage setting, where the rat had plenty of available food and water. The kicker is that the rat, after brief training exercises, could push a lever in the cage and activate the electrode in the brain that stimulated dopamine release.

What happened? Well, naturally, the rats refused to let go of the levers, and eventually starved to death, as they didn’t even leave long enough to get food and/or water.

Anyway, that’s a dopamine surge. Which brings me to my PA, and the history of my addictive personality. Forgive me, I have a feeling this will be sort of long and rambling, but I guess I should start at square one.

I guess you could say I started with P when I was 15 or 16. By the time I was 18, I had stumbled upon a serious girlfriend. By the time I was 21, I was so desensitized by P that I had a hard time… well, “performing”, as you might say. I don’t believe that this girl was “the one”, I always viewed it as casually as a 3-4 year relationship could be viewed, but we drifted apart and eventually broke up. None of that really bothered me, so I didn’t think much of it.

The interesting thing about the breakup was that almost immediately after, I created an account on another forum. No… no, not a PA recovery forum. Ha. Quite the opposite. See, I was in college at the time, and decided I wanted to take things to a whole new level; I wanted to become a pickup artist. Subconsciously, it was a real-life alternative to P, another route to the same dopamine surge through the same crooked pathway.

This is before the days of “Mystery” hosting the “Pickup Artist” on MTV. It was before pickup was a novelty or a TV gimmick. I didn’t decide to do it because I thought it was cool, or the hip new thing, or whatever.. Now I realize how disgusting it is.. ack.. Seriously this may have been worse than the PA… but I digress. I think I was just taking my addiction to another level. I was after the “dopamine surge”, and was willing to spend thousands of hours becoming an expert in getting it. I studied books, theories, techniques, forums, the lives and strategies of those who were deemed “pickup artists” by the community, and began to try to incorporate these theories into a way of life that I would live daily.

The point is that I went out repeatedly and unabashedly and tried to pick girls up, constantly. Thankfully I wasn’t very good at it or I may have bigger problems these days (lol). But I still see it now for what it was: a gross, immature, really all-encompassing terrible thing to do in search of the all-too-familiar dopaminesurge... I was living life, out and about 4-5 nights a week, “gaming” women… and did that for a while. I found a new group of friends with similar interests, lost some old (good) ones, and was out with whoever would put up with me, and began to run around with them, surrounding myself with a new environment that would support my strange lifestyle. I loooooveeeed it!

Disgusting, huh? It was all about the same dopamine surge from P, though.

I should say, I loved it for a while. Because like all addictions, this one began to leave me feeling empty on the inside. Months later, I can remember being on a vacation. I should have been crazy happy, I shouldn’t have had a care in the world. But I can literally remember being on the verge of tears and misery during that entire vacation. It was horrible. I was ridiculously bummed out, because I realized that I really had nothing on the inside. I’d created this façade, and these people I was now hanging out with on vacation probably only noticed that, and didn’t know much about what was inside. I don’t think they saw the pain I was feeling.

But I came back home after that vacation and kept going out to pick up chicks, because I was addicted. And for a while, it would work. If I came across a great pickup, bam, I felt awesome. And then after it was over, felt like crap again. Rinse, repeat.

And then one night, about 4 years ago, out picking up chicks, looking for that rush, I met a woman who was different. It was a great night of pickup for me, and she was the last girl I met that night. It might have been that I got the sense that she was “down to Earth,” grounded, and real, that drew me in. I didn’t feel real. I felt fake, and empty, and I had this surreal sense that she was real, and there was substance to her (if that makes sense). It’s like in that scene in Almost Famous, where the lead singer wants to go out in Wichita to meet “real Wichita people”, because his life had become so commercial and fake, and then he goes to that house party. His exact quote, “From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm interested in.”

You know, that was stunning. By the grace of God, I think, a switch flipped, a light turned on, and I had this new notion in my mind.

I felt like that, sort of. I was mesmerized by this, and how REAL she was. She wasn’t the kind of girl that you take home from the bar that night, I knew that... I also knew that taking this much further, or pursuing a relationship, going down that road in general, is death to the lifestyle a pickup artist, or anyone acting like one (like me).

So there I was, with her in front of me. I felt like I had a choice… she gave me an opportunity that night, to pursue something real. It was an open door, I’d have to walk through, and make a change. But inside, the emptiness wrestled with nothing. The drunken pick-up-chicks emptiness fought with the “real” inside me that didn’t exist. The real that knew I was addicted and empty and should make a change.
...continued....

[RobP413]

...continued...
Well, needless to say, the emptiness won, and I peaced out, away from that girl. I went to go game some other chicks, because, well, that’s what I would do with my addictive personality.

But over the next few days, my conscience nagged at me, or something. Maybe it wasn’t my conscience, I don’t know. I don’t feel like what I was doing was wrong, but I think I knew it was wrong for me, and I could tell I was rotting on the inside a little bit. So I continued to think about this girl from time to time, usually when I had time to sit, and think, and listen to some Dave Matthews or Elton John or something. Thoughts of the real girl that I let get away would creep in, and then I would get out of the house, back to my new home, bars and clubs, and then I could drown out those thoughts, for a short time.

And then, an act of God, I firmly believe. I was out, doing what I did… when I run into the girl again. No way. And we remembered each other. I didn’t pursue diddly the first time because I knew what it meant, and here she falls into my lap again.

This time, I made the right decision. And I felt good about it. The emptiness had gotten SO BAD that I KNEW that I was going to change. And I did. I went home that night, deleted all of the P that I had (although I had actually replaced most of P in my life with pickup, P wasn’t a big part of my life back then, but I deleted it anyway.. I also logged onto the pickup artist community, signed in”, said goodbye, and never logged on again. I didn’t want to chase the dopamine surge anymore because I realized it had gotten me nowhere. Now you have to realize how huge of a change this was for me. That was all extremely hard to do, and I don’t want to minimize it, but in the interest of time let’s leave it at that. It was ridiculously hard and I did it, at the time.

Not to skip too many details, but this is getting long: As fate would have it, I am still together with this woman, and intend to “wife-up”, as they say on the Jersey Shore. We will marry this year.

Happily ever after? You forgot already! One problem: I have an addictive personality. In the last, oh, year or so, I have stumbled (back?) into P, M, and addiction.

Now my experience probably is similar to many of the folks on this forum now. I realize that P is bad for my relationship, because I’ve been down these consumptive, addictive, empty roads before. So I try to resist. And then one day I’m bored, and the mega-urge hits. And then I give in, for, oh, 4 hours or so, and then feel like crapola afterwards. I’d turn myself into a punching bag if I could, because I KNEW all along I wanted to avoid it, and then gave in anyway. Hate it when I do that.

Then the whole next day, or week, I have trouble looking people in the eye, and being confident at work, with my SO, and socially, because even though no one else knows, I feel rotten on the inside, and feel like I have no integrity to hold my backbone up straight and chin high. Every time it rips my heart out, and I feel like the foundation I’ve tried to lay for myself as a man of integrity, honesty, and priorities, is crumbled.

Then I get serious for a month or so, and do well. My integrity slowly returns. The foundation of my character begins to polish itself… and then a relapse. Well, that happened last week, 3/23, to me.

I’m not trying to fault myself. It’s that red herring dopamine surge, again. In a way, all of our personalities are addictive, to some degree. We’re all programmed to respond to dopamine in this way, and to crave it from time to time. But the lack of self control that defines PA in my life tells me that I need to be more serious about the consequences and risks, and that I need some help. And that’s been the hardest thing of this million word essay to type, that “I need some help.” That, and calling myself a PA. That was hard too. Even typing it. But I feel better now that I typed it.

Anyway… now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, I’m here. I want to define my character as one of integrity, honesty, and commitment to a relationship (marriage). One of the few things I really care about in life, as I have matured, is to have a rock-solid marriage, which is not easy or common these days. I don’t think it is possible in the setting of PA, at least for me. Overcoming P, I believe, is crucial to my self esteem and ability to fortify a marriage, to be a selfless spouse, and to get the most “REAL”-ness out of my life as I can.

Thanks ya’ll..
Rob

[Rockinastorm]

Thank you for being so honest in sharing your worst moments. It takes a lot of strength I am sure. I am glad you have finally chosen to step out from the shadows and speak. I hope that starting this journal brings you a sense of the peace you are searching for.

[RobP413]

So it has been 8 days P free since joining this forum. I do believe this will be a long road but I can honestly say that I know it is the right thing to do. Like I said, at first, I didn't know that I was a PA. It wasn't until I decided to quit, and then realized how difficult it was, that everything came together.. scary.

I know that if I continue down the road of PA, it will eventually ruin my relationship with my SO/marriage, negatively impact me in the workplace, negatively impact me in my relationships with friends and family, and ultimately make me a very unhappy person with very little worth living for. I really do believe it is that serious.

I have uploaded my integrity contract on the recovery forum. I signed it several days ago and feel like it is helpful, to have something real, that I can physically pick up and hold, and read (and keep locked away in a really safe place btw, lol), to be accountable to.

Best wishes.

[HopeandDespair]

Congratulations on 8 days. . . I'm currently on day 5 and I feel like I'm going crazy. I have tremendous urges to MB and I am really struggling. I'm terrified when I think of how far I've yet to go, but I try to remind myself that it's just one day at a time. I've been a PA for the past 8 years and have wanted to quit for a long time. . . always with little success. After a few days I would convince myself that I was just overreacting and then I'd be right back at it. It is encouraging to know that there are others out there like myself that are dealing with the same problem.

Keep posting, I look forward to following your recovery.

[RobP413]

Congratulations on 8 days. . . I'm currently on day 5 and I feel like I'm going crazy. I have tremendous urges to MB and I am really struggling. I'm terrified when I think of how far I've yet to go, but I try to remind myself that it's just one day at a time. I've been a PA for the past 8 years and have wanted to quit for a long time. . . always with little success. After a few days I would convince myself that I was just overreacting and then I'd be right back at it. It is encouraging to know that there are others out there like myself that are dealing with the same problem.

Keep posting, I look forward to following your recovery.

I know what you mean, it is a tough feeling. Another way to look at avoiding P/MB is to change your viewpoint from, "I CAN'T look at P or MB," to "I can, but I CHOOSE not to." This puts the power back in your hands as an individual, and I find it to be helpful to view it as, "I CHOOSE not to view P. I CHOSE not to view it yesterday, I CHOOSE not to view it today, I am CHOOSING not to view it ever again."

I also am glad there are others in my boat. Best wishes friend, thanks for reading.

[Charly22]

Just droppin by to say I really apprecaite your posts and your honesty. Also, I found your attachment of the Integrity Contract and I have printed this with hopes that my husb might one day find it helpful. Thanks!

[HopeandDespair]

I'm interested in hearing an update. . . how are things going?