Newbeginnings1982 Journey

[NewBeginnings1982]

To those that I haven't chatted with on here, thank you for taking the time to be a part of my journey. A couple days ago I posted first in the new members forum. It gives my story as to why I'm here. It was suggested for me to keep a journal on here so here I am. I hope that people reading this will provide me help, advice, prayers, or even using my words to their own advantage in their journey.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I am glad to see that you already have your journal going. I did read your story this morning, and I am very happy to see you here to get help. We are all here to do just one thing, that is to Help each other to get through this addiction, that we allowed to take over our lives. So please do continue to come here, and share your journey with all of us. this way, we can be able to help you much more

Good luck to you in your recovery

[NewBeginnings1982]

As of today, it has been 7 days since I've MB or looked at P. I wish I could say I don't have thoughts throughout the day or dreams about pleasure, but I think thats all part of the process. For me, its making sure that I don't submit myself to P or MB when I have these thoughts of pleasure.

7 days seems like such a small number compared to where some people are at, but it's a start.

I thought it might be a good idea for me to put down reasons why I had looked to P and MB so much for so long. I found that looking at P and MB for pleasure was a great stress reliever and helped me get away from stresses and challenges in my own life. In no particular order, here are some reasons as to why I think I went down the road I did and why I'm on my road to recovery.

***When I was a teenager it was just plain fun to MB and feel so good. I didn't know any better and I do believe it's a healthy thing to do if done the right way and not done in excess.

***As I went through highschool I began chatting online when AOL was big and chatrooms came out. First it seemed like a cool place to meet new people that you didn't normally have a chance to talk to. Then it turned into a form of pleasure by meeting others to have fun with online by having CS (cyber). I had a couple girlfriends during high school, but never went all the way with any of them. Heavy making out was as far as it went. I looked to P and MB to help provide me pleasure.

***It was early on in college that I met my wife. We both lost our virginity to each other and had a great sex life. Keep in mind that I was still looking at P and MB for pleasure aside from being with her. Over time I found myself having fantasies about being other women as I've wondered what it would be like since I had only been with one woman. Still to this day I've only been with my wife and I am proud of that, although I do use that as an excuse to have looked at P and MBed so much.

***My wife and I got married in 2006 and everything was/is great in our relationship. Although I still was submitting to P and MBing alot when I had alone time. We both have great jobs, although with the economy the way it is, the company that I'm working for has made cutbacks and done layoffs which has left me alittle on edge that I may be next. The insecurity that I feel for my job has also led me to P and MBing because it gives me a way to escape from challenges in my life.

***Infertility issues with my wife in trying to have a baby. This may be the biggest issue of all that has occurred over the last 2 years. Two years ago my wife and I decided it was time to try and start to have a family. After a year of not being able to get pregnant, we seeked help from a specialist. My wife was tested up and down and nothing was found to be an issue. I was also tested a number of times (providing semen samples) and nothing was found. We fell into the unexplained category. Keep in mind, that throughout our entire time of trying to get pregnant, I was looking at P and MBing alot. My wife and I went through a few artificial inseminations and that didn't work. Month after month nothing was working at began to get very frustrating. We then had the final step of going through IVF (invetro fertilization). During this process I found myself looking at P more and also MBing more due to the stresses involved with the IVF process. Everything from medical procedures done on my wife...having to giving injections of drugs to my wife...and so much incertainty just really took its toll on me. We found out that we had 6 fertilized eggs to work with, but only 1 of those fertilized eggs was classified good enough to be put into my wife. So it was really our only chance this time around. In the end it turns out that it only takes 1 egg and we are pregnant!!! The day that we got the test results back that showed we were pregnant was one of the greatest days in my life. About a week ago we had an appointment and I actually saw our baby and its heartbeat! Another great moment. It has been almost four weeks since the egg was put into my wife and it has been during that time that I told myself I needed a change.

So as you can see, I've been able to come up with a number of reasons as to why I resorted to escaping from the realities of life and looked at P and MBed so much.

If you read my introduction post in the new members forum, you will find that there is a chance I'm dealing with anxiety/panic attacks/depression which I've been trying to address over the last couple of weeks. Deep down I think it all stems from my PA and MBing so much. I don't think I need to be on drugs (which my doctor has put me on Celexa and Xanax for what he describes as anxiety, although I haven't talked to my doctor about my self diagnosed PA).

I guess the term for not looking at P or MBing would be sober, but I'm not sure.

Right now I'm proud to say I'm 7 days sober and I'm only looking forward.

Thank you for being a part of my journey!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Thank you for the wonderful story. I am happy that you will soon be a father.=D> Good for you

Again I will say I am glad that you are here. this shows that you want this out of your life. by freeing yourself from this, you will see that you not only become a better husband for you Wife, but just think how good of a father you will be to your new family addition that is on its way.
We can be a much better person, if we don't have this addiction interfering with the things that we need to do in our lives. So you are just starting this new family life out the right way.

Soon my friend, you will have your hands full in trying to raise your beautiful child, and you are going to be so busy in doing so. the good thing is, you will no longer have that free time on your hands to just sit in front of the computer, looking at P and MB. what better thing is there to fill up your time.

You shared with us all of you Reasons, I look at it as EXCUSES, to look at P and MB. we have all been in your shoes in one way or the other. But now you are seeing that you no longer want to do this. This will be tough at times, but as you start feeling the joys that come alone with not having this addiction in your life, freeing yourself from this will be a whole lot easier to deal with in time.

You will never be cured from this addiction, but that does not mean that you cant have it under control. and once it is under control, there is really no reason as to why you can not live a P free life.
So I encourage you to now, work as hard as you can in this addiction. do all you can now, before your new Blessing comes into yours and your wife's life.

Find a good plan now to be able to fight this monster off, and beat him into submission. You can do this if it is in you heart to do so. And to me, you are showing that it is in your heart

So pick up your weapons now, and get ready to have a good strong battle against this beast, and come out a winner

Good luck to you in your recovery.
And good luck to Mom and Dad, when your little blessing comes into your lives

[Rockinastorm]

You shared with us all of you Reasons, I look at it as EXCUSES, to look at P and MB. we have all been in your shoes in one way or the other. But now you are seeing that you no longer want to do this. This will be tough at times, but as you start feeling the joys that come alone with not having this addiction in your life, freeing yourself from this will be a whole lot easier to deal with in time.

This sort of brutalism hurts even when its not directed at me. I know I still make excuses and call them reasons. you're are right we have all been there/are there right now. Thanks for the reminder that we can't BS our way through this.


NB-
Thanks for sharing. Stay strong.

[NewBeginnings1982]

Made it through another day. It helps that work keeps me busy. Also had a decent work out at the gym last night. I feel a bit better this morning since I didn't have one of those erotic dreams that I've been having. Have an ultrasound appointment tomorrow so that's my driving force of excitement at the moment. As far as health, I feel a bit better. A couple days ago I was having these weird head rushes, not sure if it was adrenaline or something. I'm guessing it was because of the meds I was on, which I stopped taking. Probably doesn't help that I started my journey all while starting taking medication for anxiety. We will see if the symptoms I was having were due to the meds I was on or if its from giving up P and MB.

Hope everyone has a great day!

[Teemo]

NB,

I want to welcome you to TTF. You are definitely in the right place to get help, support, advice, and encouragement for the journey you are on.

It looks like you made the decision that you want a better life, and the moment that was right for this was when you found that you and your wife are expecting a baby. What a great time to get free of this addiction! I wish I could have made the same decision, and followed through on it, at a young age. I am 58 and trying to put something right that has been wrong for most of my life.

About your anxiety: I think I am on safe ground saying your symptoms are not from abstaining from masturbation. If you are working out regularly, and hopefully getting enough sleep, eating well. etc. then you are doing everything you can to reduce anxiety.

Masturbation certainly gives momentary relief, but becomes an unwelcome habit when we start to use it compulsively. That is not to say that withdrawal is easy; it is not. You will probably need a good strategy to get through the urges as they come. Not fighting them, but taking particular, well-planned actions to make other choices and change your focus. That may include coming to this site and reading and writing. It may include calling on an accountability partner or a counselor for help. Whatever it takes to move through the challenge without letting it overcome you.

I think you should expect to find the way getting smoother as you get farther away from P and M. I hope you and your physician get the right medication to help with the anxiety symptoms. Keep writing and let us know how you are doing.

Teemo

[NewBeginnings1982]

It's Thursday night and still going strong. I have minor urges to look at P and MB, but I find ways to clear my mind or stay busy. I need to get a calendar out and mark down how many days its been. I know over the last 2+ weeks I've only MBed once...and that was over a week ago.

Right now I'm just trying to deal with my anxiety/panic attack issues. I'm on Celexa daily and also have Xanax for when I need something more quick. Hopefully the side effects of Celexa don't stay around too long, its definitely not fun. Will have weird head sensations while driving. Can feel how strong my pulse is while sitting or lying down. Sweating a bit while trying to go to sleep. Feeling sleepy sometimes. I'm sure those are all side effects of the medicene. I think once I get this anxiety stuff under control it will aid me in continuing my journey of fighting my PA and excessive MB.

On a positive note, my wife and I had a 7 week appointment and ultrasound for our baby this morning. I took a Xanax this morning before starting my day just hoping it would help and it did. Felt great pretty much all day. Our baby appears to be as good as it can be at 7 weeks, even though its the size of a small berry. Was such a great appointment and relived alot of worry from both my wife and I.

Praying for all who are taking this journey with me!

[HopeandDespair]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. . . it is truly encouraging to read of others that are in a similar place as I. Keep posting, I look forward to following your recovery.