Determined's Journal

[Determined]

I'm so over this. I'm stuck in this silly cycle and it is destroying my relationship. Last year was so horrible that my gf and I both vowed that if this year was going to be like that again then we couldn't and weren't going to make. Last year was horrible because of P. Simple. My P addiction made last year one of the worst years of my life. Any happiness I had was short lived (and by that I mean it would last for only a week or two, then I would decend into the darkness that P makes you feel again. Constant slips and failures made my self esteem become little to none. I was not in control of my life. So in the new year I decided that this year, the year I turn 21 and globally become an adult, was the year it was all going to change. It is now late March and I have only slipped up 3 times. However that is 3 times too many for me, and 3 times too many for my gf. I hate hurting her like this. I hate breaking her heart and making her feel worthless. I wish I could click my fingers and make it stop, but I'vew clicked many times and I still fall. I'm scared. I'm honestly scared that she is going to leave me, and why shouldn't she? She could find a man that isn't plagued with this addiction.

So this year we decided it was make or break. If I don't make it through this year with large leaps and bounds we will leave each other. I hate feeling this guilt. The longest I have been without P is 3 months (3 years ago). This year I am making much better progress, I lasted almost 1 month, then a month and a half. And then only 2 weeks. Everytime I have slipped I have undertaken a stronger approach to my learning and education about strategies to beat this addiction. I ask her for her patience, I want so badly to prove to her and myself that I can beat it. Only after I can look at myself in the mirror and know I have control will I be able to take our relationship to the next level. If I cannot then I cannot.

I'm trying, I really am.
1 day down. 364 to go till I can call it a year and start the count again.
(It'd be the first time since I was 12-13 and first discovered these things..)

[Phil413]

Hi Determined.

I love your attitude. It sounds like you're really serious about putting this behind you, and I love the fact that you're doing it while you're young and you hopefully have many years of life ahead of you.

May I ask what your strategy for recovery is?

Phil

[JenMac]

HI Determined!
Welcome to TTF! I am happy you have found us!
Determined, I was wondering if you have heard of the 'Relapse is not an option' attitude that some here have adopted?
Artguy was the one who initiated this attitude and it has seemed to have a positive attitude for many!
I can't pretend to know what you are dealing with because of this addiction D, but I do believe this can be beat. You must build your plan in order for you to get this under control! What are you willing to do to put this behind you?
There is much wisdom and guidance here D! I hope you are able to use it to your advantage!
All the best!
Jenn

[Determined]

Hi guys
Thank you for your support. I never realised that these forums are so active and helpful.

Phil - my strategy is one based on recognising triggers and avoiding the situations that help me fall. I've also discovered that cetain days I am more risky than others. I will explain it further after I get back from work (will be good to put it into words)

JenMac - no I had not heard of it.. and from what I saw on the 100 weeks list, artguy had several asterixs next to his name. So it must work and sounds similar to the approach I want to take. How do I find out more?

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Determined

It is so nice to see that you started your own journal. You seem to have a very good attitude in that you want this out of your life. I know you have been reading here, and I saw that you had the other thread going, so I now don't have to say to much
All of us here at TTF will do all that we can to help you with this addiction that you are going through. this is a long road that you are on, but with the attitude that you are already showing, it may be a little smoother for you to travel on.

So all I can say is again Welcome here, and we are so glad to have you as a part of our family

Good luck to you in your recovery. you are not alone here in any ways

[Phil413]

Phil - my strategy is one based on recognising triggers and avoiding the situations that help me fall. I've also discovered that cetain days I am more risky than others. I will explain it further after I get back from work (will be good to put it into words)

That's great. Do you also have a strategy for dealing with the temptations you can't avoid? Also, have you taken steps to block your access to P?

Phil

[needtoheal]

Hi determined

i can honestly say I know how you feel and would like to lend some advice if i may.

Strategy is so important to beating this but it is also vital to re-evaluate any strategy on a regular basis. Like any addiction your mind can twist and look for new ways to justify and bring the addiction back to your life. By re-evaluating regularly (i spend 10-20 minutes a day thinking about my addiction, triggers, what it has done, and how to beat it) you should be able to identify changes in mood, mentality or situation that may lead to a slip and put strategies in place to deal with them before they happen.

Good luck

needtoheal

[chasman62]

Everytime I have slipped I have undertaken a stronger approach to my learning and education about strategies to beat this addiction.

First of all stop using the word in bold. It isn't a 'slip', it is a premeditated decision that you conciously made. That is an excuse word and it is one that you should expunge from your vocubulary.

You seem to have a lot of motivation to succeed which is a good start. You need to put proper strategies in place to make it difficult for you to make bad decisions. If that means you cant access sports scores or facebook on your mobile phone then so be it. Get rid of all of your points of access. If your SO is your accountability partner then engage her in your recovery in an active way.

I encourage you and everyone else to join the 'Relapse Is Not An Option' group here on TTF. That was the prevailing mantra when I joined (expressed by guys like ArtGuy and Mac) and it was one that I took on as my own. Get rid of this, "Well I lasted 3 weeks this time", or "That was only twice in a month" .You can do this. Anyone can do this. You just need motivation, commitment, accountability and a plan. There is a wonderful future free from compulsions and guilt and the pain it causes to you and your SO if you just have the balls to reach out and grab it.

Best of luck to you.

Chas

[sdf8]

welcome aboard I read your journal if your will read mine then you I will be on the same page. I new as well and though last year was a living hell this year promises to be a living heaven.

[Determined]

It's been 8 days, and yet I am still plagued with thoughts and images and lust. I am unable to talk to my gf about this because she always takes it as a personal attack and I am so over hurting her. I want to just make this all better.. I wish I could just make it all better now.
It effects our sexual relationship and it makes it harder for me to stay 'in the moment'. And after failures on this front, all the walls in the world get put up between us and things just take a step backwards.
I've decided to adopt the 'relapse is not an option' strategy, and I am not letting it become an option. I still have the restriction software on and I find this has worked well because I no longer know the passwords to them. So I no longer have easy access to the P. I just wish I could control my thoughts. My thoughts are what are holding me back. It is frustrating because I know I want to beat this but I cannot stop the lust or the urges. It is an internal battle.
I just how what this does to my relationship. I worship my gf, and I hate doing this to her. I hate making her feel so worthless.
I can only hope that in time and through love I can show her how much she really means to me and how attractive she really is.