Starting again - HR's back

[hellron]

I had a long chat with Rosie tonight about where we're both at.

Things aren't great - I lied this morning, and spent most of the day going around in mental circles leading nowhere.

I didn't act out, but I wanted to, and I took steps towards doing so - I bailed on going through with it, and I feel a bit of pride over that.

Rosie and I are both at the end of our tether - we're both miserable in the relationship, we've both run out of hope, and it just feels like whatever love is left isn't enough.

We've agreed on a few things - Rosie's committed to finding major changes in her life, either through me changing or her making changes (e.g. leaving the relationship). I've committed to being honest.

I'm phrasing it as 'being honest' rather than 'not lying', because they're fundamentally different. Honesty comes from wanting the truth to be known for what it is, whereas 'not lying' is just avoiding telling mistruth. I don't like the avoidance side of things, so I'm going with 'being honest'

Part of being honest tonight was flat-out stating that I both love and hate Rosie at the same time. I don't see them as mutually-exclusive. Rosie was pretty upset by me saying it, which is understandable (different frames of reference and all), but I think after I explained a bit more about what I meant the emotional wound subsided (at least a bit, anyway)

I'm at a new job, after getting fired from my last one. I've been a pretty crappy employee, and I think I have a 'sense of entitlement' going on, some sort of "The Rules Don't Apply To Me, I'm An Exception" attitude.

I've knuckled-down with my new job, and I'm not allowing the same old patterns to happen; being above the rules, being half-assed, being late, and letting my personal life impact upon my work performance - these all have to go.

It's hard to find the motivation and focus for much at the moment - I'm just not feeling all wonderful with unicorns and rainbows. I feel more like "it's just a horse with a horn on it's head" instead.

I don't know where things will go from here - all I know is that I'm going somewhere different this time around

- HR

[hellron]

I'm feeling pissed off. Rosie wants me to be posting again so she can read the raw deal on how I'm feeling. She just told me very firmly that she's very disappointed by my previous post as it's not giving her what she wants.

I don't even want to be posting here. I'm not much of a sharer. I'm trying. I've tried. I've had a very emotionally-draining day, and just spent two hours having an in-depth emotional discussion with her. The last thing I want to be doing right now is going over it all again. I need to wind down and breathe.

I'm angry at the whole "it's not good enough, do it again" that's being pushed onto me. Rosie wants to see vulnerability and walls-down posting. I don't feel like being vulnerable right now, I'm just frustrated. I'm tired of the "you're not good enough" I'm constantly facing from her. I already know I'm not good enough, not man enough, not well enough, not nice enough, not husband enough, not human enough - I don't need constant external reminders of that.

Yes, this is a very 'I I I' post. Yes it's self-centered. Yes it's venting. How am I supposed to express how I feel without talking about me?

Outside of the above ventful rant, I just feel like shit.

Rosie's miserable. I'm miserable. I'm miserable seeing her feel so miserable. Still, I'm making commitments. I'm still trying to be a better person. I want things to work. I don't want Rosie to be miserable any more. I don't want to be miserable any more.

I don't, I can't, I I I

.......

[Yechezkel]

I'm feeling pissed off. Rosie wants me to be posting again so she can read the raw deal on how I'm feeling. She just told me very firmly that she's very disappointed by my previous post as it's not giving her what she wants.

I don't even want to be posting here. I'm not much of a sharer. I'm trying. I've tried. I've had a very emotionally-draining day, and just spent two hours having an in-depth emotional discussion with her. The last thing I want to be doing right now is going over it all again. I need to wind down and breathe.

I'm angry at the whole "it's not good enough, do it again" that's being pushed onto me. Rosie wants to see vulnerability and walls-down posting. I don't feel like being vulnerable right now, I'm just frustrated. I'm tired of the "you're not good enough" I'm constantly facing from her. I already know I'm not good enough, not man enough, not well enough, not nice enough, not husband enough, not human enough - I don't need constant external reminders of that.

Yes, this is a very 'I I I' post. Yes it's self-centered. Yes it's venting. How am I supposed to express how I feel without talking about me?

Outside of the above ventful rant, I just feel like shit.

Rosie's miserable. I'm miserable. I'm miserable seeing her feel so miserable. Still, I'm making commitments. I'm still trying to be a better person. I want things to work. I don't want Rosie to be miserable any more. I don't want to be miserable any more.

I don't, I can't, I I I

.......

wow friend, I can feel the emotion here, you are really feeling hurt and hated right now, I have felt the same way as I am sure all of us have at times.

I know your in a lot of pain right now and you feel you are being pushed to your breaking point, hang on, it will get better.

I do think you need to take things in your own time, and not just post to please someone, you need that for your own mental health, time to calm down, step back, de-stress, before posting the detail that your SO is asking for you to post, I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now, if you ever need someone to talk to privately please send me a PM here

You are human, you are loved, and we are here for you.

Yechezkel.

[rosie]

I just wanted you to have support and somewhere to share, HR. I would have liked to read of any insights/etc too - and you seemed happy to post...If you don't want to post, don't.

[hellron]

Thanks, Yechezkel

Thanks for the support and encouragement

Yeah, I'm pretty raw at the moment, and I know I'll probably regret venting like that - it's just how I'm feeling at the moment, though, and it needs to come out some way or another

-- HR

[hellron]

I just wanted you to have support and somewhere to share, HR. I would have liked to read of any insights/etc too - and you seemed happy to post...If you don't want to post, don't.

The idea of posting as a regular thing in general, yes - happy to, and want to.

Posting right then and there? No - didn't want to, did anyway

Felt pressured to do so even after expressing that I didn't want to? Yes

That being said, this just came through via email from Mell's thread:

Rosie wrote:

---Quote---
Being task orientated means living in your head - in 'business mode' - this mode makes it difficult to empathise and think of others feelings. It disconnects you from your feelings and allows you to avoid your emotions (which are amassing under the surface) by living in your head.
---End Quote---

Sounds like me! Methodical, task oriented me wants to solve problems; my addiction, my problems at home don’t get solved that way. I need to learn to feel my emotions not to deal with them in a detached manner. I need to empathize with people, especially my wife’s emotions.

Good point Rosie

There's wisdom there - I spend a lot of time in task-mode, and I agree that spending more time in feeling-mode and empathy-mode is a good idea

-- HR

[Zachary]

I think it must feel in your house how it feels around here in my house sometimes. It took (takes) me a long time to open up fully, to trust in someones' responses to my vulnerability. My SO is the only person I can do that with. It's funny that when you talk about being frustrated and angry, hating your pain and hating the pain you've caused your SO, talking about your inner feelings... that sounds like vulnerability to me. I hope you guys can come to a mutually beneficial solution. It's hard to beat things like this on your own, no matter which side of the fence you're on. That's what I believe, anyways...

[rosie]

I'm feeling pissed off. Rosie wants me to be posting again so she can read the raw deal on how I'm feeling. She just told me very firmly that she's very disappointed by my previous post as it's not giving her what she wants.

I don't even want to be posting here. I'm not much of a sharer. I'm trying. I've tried. I've had a very emotionally-draining day, and just spent two hours having an in-depth emotional discussion with her. The last thing I want to be doing right now is going over it all again. I need to wind down and breathe.

I'm angry at the whole "it's not good enough, do it again" that's being pushed onto me. Rosie wants to see vulnerability and walls-down posting. I don't feel like being vulnerable right now, I'm just frustrated. I'm tired of the "you're not good enough" I'm constantly facing from her. I already know I'm not good enough, not man enough, not well enough, not nice enough, not husband enough, not human enough - I don't need constant external reminders of that.

Yes, this is a very 'I I I' post. Yes it's self-centered. Yes it's venting. How am I supposed to express how I feel without talking about me?

Outside of the above ventful rant, I just feel like shit.

Rosie's miserable. I'm miserable. I'm miserable seeing her feel so miserable. Still, I'm making commitments. I'm still trying to be a better person. I want things to work. I don't want Rosie to be miserable any more. I don't want to be miserable any more.

I don't, I can't, I I I

.......

That was an honest open post, exactly what I wanted.

[rosie]

*tumbleweed*

[hellron]

*tumbleweed*

Oh shh, you..

You know I only have feelings every second or third day

-- HR