Alessio's Recovery Journal

[Alessio]

Third day PF. I am not missing it, I feel human again, but have mood swings.

I feel like everything was clean and in my place in my life, but I had my "little" dirty secret that made the rest of my life miserable.

And it took so much of my night time. I do not want this in my life anymore.

[2frustrated]

Your mood swings will level out eventually. Your brain just misses the fix and is rebelling. Welcome to your new life. No more secrets.

[Alessio]

I started my day convincing myself that I am addicted to S and M, but not P.

I was reading an online newspaper, just news. It had a link to the top read articles. Number 1 was one about the P industry. Clicked on it...trigger!! I did not act on it.
What started as a search for news about the nuclear plants in Japan....

Mood swings. Very bad.

New rule: I am not laying down in bed anymore with my laptop. My wife goes to bed earlier than me, I have the rest of the house, including a guest room, only for me. Sitting down on a chair does not trigger the need for P.

Two questions in my mind that I have to find an answer to:

-If I only can have S with my wife once or twice a week, what am I supposed to do the rest of the week if I am giving up S and M?

-How am I supposed to battle this if I am surrounded by S in the media and on the street all day long? It is not even about online P. Just watching the damn cheerleaders' commercial on TV does this to me!


I cannot even look at women on the street. Triggers everywhere.

[StarPuppy]

I started my day convincing myself that I am addicted to S and M, but not P.

I was reading an online newspaper, just news. It had a link to the top read articles. Number 1 was one about the P industry. Clicked on it...trigger!! I did not act on it.
What started as a search for news about the nuclear plants in Japan....

Mood swings. Very bad.

New rule: I am not laying down in bed anymore with my laptop. My wife goes to bed earlier than me, I have the rest of the house, including a guest room, only for me. Sitting down on a chair does not trigger the need for P.

Two questions in my mind that I have to find an answer to:

-If I only can have S with my wife once or twice a week, what am I supposed to do the rest of the week if I am giving up S and M?

-How am I supposed to battle this if I am surrounded by S in the media and on the street all day long? It is not even about online P. Just watching the damn cheerleaders' commercial on TV does this to me!


I cannot even look at women on the street. Triggers everywhere.

Welcome Alessio, its great to see that you made the first step to change

I would like to ask you, WHY do you want to change?

In response to your question

Do you love your wife? If she doesn't want to have S, would you find someway to control those urges of yours? You can find stuff to do and to occupy your time, MB only feeds your desire for P

Temptation is everywhere, thats why, its up to you on why you WANT to change, once you thought of WHY you want to change, lets focus on the steps of recovery

[Alessio]

And I thought about closing my account with TTF. I slipped. I am going to sleep.

Only 4 days.

[Phil413]

And I thought about closing my account with TTF. I slipped. I am going to sleep.

Only 4 days.:((

Please don't be too hard on yourself, Alessio. This is hard. Really hard. That's why most guys do slip a few times in the beginning. Get a good night's sleep, then come back here and read some of the recovery journals. Read what strategies other guys have used to help them get free.

Wishing you all the best!

Phil

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Two questions in my mind that I have to find an answer to:

-If I only can have S with my wife once or twice a week, what am I supposed to do the rest of the week if I am giving up S and M?

-How am I supposed to battle this if I am surrounded by S in the media and on the street all day long?
It is not even about online P. Just watching the damn cheerleaders' commercial on TV does this to me!

I cannot even look at women on the street. Triggers everywhere.

Good questions.
This recovery is all about one thing. Getting CONTROL over you addiction. I have never read anywhere that when someone is trying to overcome a addiction, that it is easy. this is a long road that we are on, and it is full of many bumps and potholes.

This is a time in our life, that we need to be able to take FULL control over our bodies again. We have allowed this beast, to be in charge for way to long.
It is time now, for all addicts to learn how to fight off any urges that come our way. Sure they are in front of us, no matter what we do in life. But it is how we handle any urges, that is important. We can take our mind off them, we can walk away from them. There are so many things that we can do, to fight the urges. Clean the kitchen, mop the floors, go do yard work, turn off the TV, and put on some music. Just as we are surrounded by many triggers, we are also surrounded by many things that can get our minds off them.

I love the question that was asked by StarPuppy. so I am going to ask the same question to you.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE? This is a good question for you to ask yourself.

I will say this right now.
You can beat this addiction.
You can become a better person.
You can fight any urges, and beat them.
You can have full control over your life again.
You can do all you want in this recovery, but how far you go in it, depends on just how bad you want this recovery to work for you
IT MUST BE IN YOUR HEART TO DO THIS, IF YOU ARE TO BEAT THIS ADDICTION.

Now I just want to respond on this real quick, you said

And I thought about closing my account with TTF. I slipped. I am going to sleep.
Why would you want to close this account to TTF? You came here because you felt like you need help and encouragement from other addicts, so I just dont know what would make you want to stop coming. If it is because you feel that we are not helping you enough, then dont stop, but instead, let us know if we are not helping you good enough. We will try harder. But in all fairness I need to say this.
We are here for you no matter what. If you slip, to us you are not a failure. To us, you are just a addict like all of us, that couldn't fight the urges, and lost this little battle in your fight. It happens, and it happens to many.
We are still here, we respect you for being here, But if you dont want to fight this with all that you have, and if it is not in your Heart to beat this crap, then there is nothing that we can do for you my friend
I hope that you decide that you still need this site to help you with your struggles. I hope that you find a determination in your heart, to fight this crap out of your life for good
Only YOU know just how bad you want to be free of your addiction. Take a good look at yourself, and see what you want in your life, and just know, that WE are here for you

Good luck to you in your recovery

[Alessio]

I am in Day one again. The last couple of days...I do not even want to mention.

Yesterday morning, at 9:30 in the morning, I had a Hooters girls (literally), with uniform, in front of me for 5 minutes. I do not know what she was doing wearing her uniform at that time of the morning, but I thank her because I was able to no stare at her at all.

I get home and my fitness magazine arrives, full of soft P images. I do not know if I want to open this magazine anymore.

Intimacy with my wife helps a LOT. I feel more connected to her tonight after being together.