the road to UTOPIA

[ToddR]

. . . internet pornography addict --- check

former hard copy porn addict* --- check

years of my life wasted --- check

decline of my business --- check

divorce --- check

lost custody of my child --- check

bankruptcy --- check

shame from my my dual lives --- check

anxiety --- check

low self esteem --- check

no self confidence --- check

no more justification --- "check please I'm quite finished"

March 2, 2011 marked the last day of my self-imposed insanity

March 3, 2011 marks the day that I stepped out of the lies and into the truth
(3/3/11 . . . kinda has a ring to it don't ya know)

*not cured --- internet simply has more to offer

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Todd
First, let me welcome you to our family at TTF.I am not happy that you are here because you are a addict, but I am happy that you are seeking help. You need to know, that this addiction, is very hard to overcome. But I do assure you, that you can become free of this crap.

If you are to rid yourself from all of this, you need to take a good look at yourself, and see if this is what you really want. You need to ask yourself a few questions
I want this recovery, but why am I doing it?
I want this recovery, but am I doing it for ME, or to please other people that I love?
I want this recovery, but am I really willing to do what it takes to overcome this addiction?
I want this recovery, but am I willing to make so many different changes in my life?
I want this recovery, but can I do it, with 100% of my HEART?

I just wanted you to ask yourself these questions, because if you do want to be free of this addiction, it will require so much time and effort to be free from it. No one can ever think, that they have the will power to do it, and think that is enough. Hard work my friend, Hard work. This is truly what is needed to fight this beast, that has been attacking us for so long.

What you really need to do, to get a firm grip on this addiction, is to see what you need to do in your life, to fight this beast hard, and fight him strong. You need to find yourself, a recovery plan, a plan that works for you. You need to find what weapons that you feel will help you in your battles. Once you have your plan in order, and you start to fight this beast, but he is able to get to you, then take a better look at the plan, and change what needs to be changed.
Once you get that one good plan in order, your road will get a little smoother for you.

The thing that we all need to know, is that this addiction, is always in front of us. I for one, have never been able to hide from it, because no matter where I go, what I watch on TV, or what magazine I look at, there seems to be something that can trigger us to act out. This is were many of your change really need to be made. Always be aware of any danger areas, in your addiction.

Another key factor that we need to change, is our Heart. we now need to recondition our heart, to view thing different than what we are use to. We need to allow our Heart to help us make changes in our thoughts. If at this time, your heart allows you to look at women as S*x objects, well my friend, that needs to change. What I am getting at I guess, we can no longer live the way we are living right now.

We need to do what we can, to not allow us to get to Porn. what about you STASH, that we all had on our computers, flash drives, CD's, do you still have it? If so, get rid of it now. not tonite, not tomorrow, but right now. we need to have all this trash deleted form where ever we hide it. Dont even keep just one, because it was always your favorite one. trash it.

My friend, please just work your recovery plan from your heart. if you are truly determined to overcome this addiction, then you will be able
to do it. there are so many here that know what you are going thru, and we are willing to help you through it. you are not alone

Good luck to you in your recovery

[JenMac]

HI ToddR!
Welcome to TTF!
I am sorry that you find yourself in these circumstances but I am glad that you have arrived here at TTF!
This is a wonderful site that will assist you in developing your plan, will give you much needed support and friendship, and will be a blessing in your life!
There is much to be said for the support from people who have experienced what you have. There is no better guidance you can receive!
I am an SO here for the past 11 months along with my H Mac. As you are aware, this is a devastating blow to a relationship. It has been a difficult year but a year of learning for each of us as well.
Todd, I wish you much success as you begin your journey to a better life. I encourage you to read the articles and journals of those here who are battling this soul destroying addiction. You will discover there is a lot of kindness and wisdom here!
All the best!
Jenn

[ToddR]

. . . IN NEED OF HELP --- that is really quite a lot to digest --- so, in the words of RnR poet Peter Wolf: "Let's break on down now":

You need to ask yourself a few questions
I want this recovery, but why am I doing it?

. . . not really one easy answer to that one --- huh?

Everyone has their own reason(s) plural for submitting to the addiction of pornography --- childhood this --- parents that --- relationship, etc.

Thanks to a very intuitive marriage counselor I was made aware what was at the core of my pornography addiction --- a need to relive the past.

Yeah. There are other reasons --- many of which are shared by the this forum's posters: feeding the fantasy, the rush of being naughty, stimulation for above the neck and below the belt, and, of course, that misguided attempt to satisfy those ongoing sexual urges through immediate gratification.

"Relive the past". Past experiences? Past relationships?

No. Reliving the past when life was free from adult pressures, anxieties, complication and debt. A time when the biggest pressure was the perfect timing necessary to rip off girlie magazines in plain sight at the local convenience store. A time when the only anxieties in life were getting good grades and making sure your mom didn't find your porn collection. A time when complication meant trying to determine when the house would be empty so you can bask in the glow of naked women. Debt? Debt?!!! The only debt I had was paying for over-priced records from the RCA Music Service.

When my ex-wife realized that my overzealous interest in internet pornography was beyond her she gave me the choice of divorce or therapy. "Divorce" meant subjecting my child to all the confusion, anxiety and depression that I experienced when my parents chose to split. "Therapy" meant that there may be hope in keeping together this family unit.

The problem is -

That when you are forced to choose therapy at gunpoint there is a resistance to the process. In retrospect, I was justified in rebelling against therapist #1 (there have been four so far) as he didn't seem to "get" or help me. Proof of this was catching him nodding off in the midst of revealing some painful admissions. Reported this to the ex which resulted in switching gears to a marriage counselor.

Again, my ex's choice not mine. Resistance was on the ready which was soon replaced by intimidation. No. Not from the ex. Not from the process. The intimidation came straight from the counselor's appearance.

Realize that I was still deep in denial as to my addiction to pornography. At this point, my problem was not addiction --- it was obsession. My use, misuse and abuse of pornography was so intense that my mind continued to view the world through porn-colored glasses. The female gender, from high school on, was continually scrutinized for pornography potential. Real life became a photo shoot for my increasing collection of porn.

This was my daily mindset. And, this was the frame of mind I had upon entering our marriage counselor's office for the first time. My reference for therapists up to that point were they all were insecure pencil-necked men. Instead, my eyes were blasted with the sight of a tall, striking woman unashamedly dressed in tight-fitting clothes and killer boots with spiked heels. This woman, our counselor, became my fantasy life incarnate.

Kinda like the old Reese's Cup ad: "You got peanut butter on my chocolate --- No. You got your chocolate in peanut butter". The combination worked -

An attractive woman with complete confidence in her method and credentials on the wall swayed the balancing of my two worlds of real and fantasy towards that of reality. Mind you. It was extremely embarrassing and humiliating to have your ex witness all of your rationalizations for pornography professionally scrutinized and obliterated by a therapist. A therapist that happened to be female. But. But. It was EFFECTIVE.

All the secrets. All the excuses. All the blame. All of these shields were taken away from me. I felt virtually naked in front of my wife and my therapist. All the camouflage that I used to cover up my addiction had been discovered and ripped away to reveal the reality.

The reality that I was a grown man that was so unhappy in my present life that I had to escape it. I needed to devolve back to a time when life affecting mistakes had not been made and the future was full of promise. A time when pornography was an exhilarating curiosity to puberty-drenched boys. This is when girlie magazines were shared and passed around by friends. This was a natural sexual outlet for those that were shyly stuck in that phase between ignorance and and participation. A phase that I embraced until I was eighteen when a knowing girlfriend showed me how to be a "participant". Immediately. I'm talking IMMEDIATELY upon losing my virginity I realized how fake, exploitive and demoralizing pornography was -

By completely revealing to our marriage counselor the pornographic images that I been drawn to, she made the astute observation that they all had one thing in common --- they either emanated from that "shy phase" --- from puberty to loss of virginity --- or they resembled the images from that time period. If you were to attach a name to my fetish --- I was into "classic" pornography --- just as I have a hard time accepting the over-produced homogenized music on the radio --- I also have no interest in the overt and aggressive pornographic images of today.

So, why did I do it? (note the past tense) And, why am I still tempted to do it?

A weakness within my over-active anxiety that wants an immediate solution through an escape to a romanticized past.

I am great believer in fate. I am a also a great believer in karma. I got to this site not by choice, not on purpose but by a Google search for pornography forums. (note: not an anti-pornography forum but a straight up pornography forum)

In this case, I strongly believe it was karma. Why? Because I have been in a positive state of mind as a result of discovering and embracing a self-improvement concept that is in sync with my life. "The Power of Now". Not sure how I stumbled onto it but it has had a positive impact that has stayed with me. Without getting too deep, the directive is to stay in the moment while negating the past and future. Which again works for me as I have spent a lifetime in an endless collision between longing for the past and dreading the future --- two behaviors that have no relevance in the present.

Therefore, if I make today better then there is no need to escape to the past or worry about the future.

I strongly believe that my proactive effort of approaching a positive outlook on life in the present enabled this forum to come to my attention. Give out good karma and good karma comes back to you.

[ToddR]

March 2, 2011 marked the last day of my self-imposed insanity

March 3, 2011 marks the day that I stepped out of the lies and into the truth

. . . hmmm --- one week and counting --- one week --- zero triggers --- one "twinge" -

. . . a "twinge" --- one lonely "twinge" -

A "twinge" brought on a by a co-worker at my night job --- a petite co-worker that happens to be female --- female with incredibly blue eyes --- a blonde co-worker that gives you a silent look that sends you reeling back to the days when you were trapped within the raging and confusing impulses of puberty --- back when the innocence of locking eyes with a cute girl brought blood rushing to the face with potential for that same blood to flow "south" --- one of many fleeting glimpses that seem like an eternity -

Yep. A "twinge". Take the look, throw in an acknowledging smile and you feel yourself devolving to a Neanderthal seized by the need to procreate.

Really? Really?

Do you really need to go there? Do you really need to jump back on that testosterone-soaked treadmill in pursuit of the all important sexual release? Really?

Scrape away the residue left from years of porn abuse and you are left with the equation of a normal thought process: Innocent look + acknowledging smile = friendship and familiarity. That's it. That's all. "Check please"

But, NOOOO!!! You are just under a proud week of sobriety and you ram your libido from first to fantasy without a clutch.

Geezuz!!! Can you really be that tainted? Do you need to twist innocence into decadence? Every time? How exactly can you come up with this equation? Knowing look + tempting smile = justified masturbation -

Okay. Let's go there. Let's let this society of instant gratification take the wheel. And, there you are . . . with your addiction at the helm and you sitting in the passenger seat. Sitting in front of that monitor. Reseting the browser. Erasing the history. Emptying the cache. Wiping up after 30-seconds of pleasure. Chastising yourself out loud.

Nope. This did not happen --- Nor will it ever --- Just a simple paradigm shift and you got yourself quite an effective deterrent --- Thankfully, upon discovering that she was less than half my age my mind immediately immersed her in the attributes of being someone's daughter --- someone's daughter --- she is not a playmate of the month but a person within the moment --- and, there's your shift --- your transformation from trigger to twinge --- and, by committing these thoughts to words the twinge has now been evaporated by morality --- morality --- Remember that?!!!

And, now --- by sharing this with you --- my virtual therapy group --- the incentive becomes more than just personal freedom but to allow you to witness my successes (there will be more)

Here's to one week on the TTF wagon . . .

[Phil413]

Well said, and well done! =D>

Phil

[ToddR]

. . . hmmm --- one week and counting --- one week --- zero triggers --- one "twinge" -

. . . a "twinge" --- one lonely "twinge"

. . . interesting the parallels between the mind and body -

seems that my mind has developed a preventive serum that has apparently nullified one threatening "trigger" -

there was a time when I cloaked all sexual stimuli experienced in my life with an iron clad justification for sexual release --- to the point, I had no problem masturbating at least once a day accompanied by my handy dandy computer screen --- kinda like taking "One-A-Day" vitamins --- I need this ejaculation -

triggers morphed into rationalization which morphed into senseless masturbation -

or, as one of my favorite quotes from the movie "The Big Chill" states: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations" --- juicy indeed -

yet, thanks to humanizing one attractive co-worker --- I have built up my "trigger immune system" --- a simple yet effective mind shift has been in place long enough now that I no longer need to channel the sight of or an exchange with an attractive female through solo sex -

just as any anti-biotic or new medication introduced to the human body will initiate a serum to carry out its end purpose within 7 - 10 days --- I strongly believe that keeping one trigger in check --- acknowledging that positive action not only in mind but in words here --- and, in turn receiving positive reinforcement from the well-wishers within this forum --- I have bypassed what I thought was a hard-wired reason to plug into porn -

this realization came to me today as I was visiting the local library --- most of the ladies there look like women that play cards with your mother --- but --- and, that's a big but --- there is one librarian there that just radiates with style --- reeks of youth --- and, makes the male mind wonder -

thankfully, I have my ex to thank for further negating the need to step beyond marriage --- having witnessed her infidelities and all the anguish associated with it --- I would never ever inflict that pain upon anyone else --- just as much as I stayed 5 years too long in a hopeless marriage to save my son from negative side effects of divorcing parents -

yet, just because I have no desire to cross that deadly line does not mean I have no desire --- until recently, desire could only be addressed by two options --- channeling it through my SO or taking care of it with my hand -

yeah. she's pretty. she's young. she's friendly. she's artsy. and she's got a killer rack. yep. and, there's the rub. the logical reaction is to appreciate beauty and leave it behind the counter --- the illogical reaction is to take those breasts home with you and amplify them with some pixelated porn -

nope. thankfully the learning curve took hold --- the mental serum was potent --- the logical reaction was too strong --- no trigger --- no twinge --- a mature exchange that took one chip out of PA stone -

damn this feels good!!!

[ToddR]

. . . two weeks on and not even a "twinge" as previously mentioned -

Interesting as to how said twinges, temptations or triggers no longer have the effect as they once had before committing to a porn celibacy.

Just came back from a road trip to Florida as a means to see my ailing father. Did so with the accompaniment of my two younger stepbrothers. Both married and apparently quite happily as they have been married 15 years+ with kids. Yet, they both displayed a need to demean women encountered along the way. Whereas, the younger stepbrother was absolutely bent on going to the local "Hooters".

"Gentleman's Clubs", strip joints as well as this infamous restaurant never really was a favored destination for me. Instead, I was more a passenger to accommodate friends or, in this case, stepbrothers. I was the flower on the wall who insisted on beers in a bottle as the condition of the establishment was usually shakey -

The point being made here is that there was not even the slightest "twinge" brought on by overtly sexual nature of the comely waitresses and barmaids. From my point of you, these women were more like girls as they just had no hips. Oh yeah. I looked. Hard not to as the push-up bras and tight orange short-shorts demanded attention of the slobbering clientele.

Somehow, when I attend these places I do not feel like an attendee but more as neutral observer witnessing how sex can be marketed through this concept while being accompanied by sub-standard food. Without even thinking about it, my immunity kicks in to counter their lame attempts to get men to eat, drink and tip too much. Nothing like the look of a waitress when you switch to 7-Up after just one beer. A look of realization that I am no longer within her radar screen.

The younger stepbrother fell into the behavior expected by the wait staff. Asking for names, inquiring about perfumes, and tossing about weak compliments.

Beyond Hooters, the in-car banter amongst the stepbrothers would occasionally slip into the customary bravado of their sexual exploits and observations. Which then fed into the younger stepbrother's need to buy a men's magazine in the early morning hours. Yeah. It felt dangerous to even have this thing in my hands let alone look at the cover. No. I did not look inside because I just have no desire to see these air-brushed women who are just not natural or real in any way. Asked the youngest as to the birth year of the playmate of the month --- 1986 --- it would have been absolutely creepy for me to even peak at this girl / woman who was just born when I was 25.

The biggest reminder of my "former life" was the second motel room we stayed in on the way back. A motel that had been a constant destination during my heavy traveling years. Same floor plan. Same look. The very place that would house me and my porn collection while I sifted through it secret while being on the road. That collection has long since been thrown away -

To be standing in that motel room with all of those swirling memories served as a reminder as to what I have chosen to leave behind and what I chose to step away from and into the future.

I shared all this with my new wife of just under one year as part of my description of the trip.

Looking forward to completing by third week of abstaining -

[ToddR]

(posted within wrong thread)

[ToddR]

. . . three weeks on --- no relapses, no temptations, no "twinges" --- no meat by-products in this dog's recovery.