Diary of humble addict's journey to freedom.

[SeekingFreedom27]

Monday night. It's been a difficult weekend, but I feel more complete than I have ever been during the last 6-12 months. As I'm writing this I'm about to pass into my 16th day of sobriety.

Today I had no major urges or wishes to a/o. As the saying goes: It's better to learn the hard way than not learning at all. I learnt the hard way that things will always be swinging during recovery.

Going on the 3rd week of recovery, I can say that there were 3 really difficult moments almost causing a relapse. But I successfully managed to walk away from it by giving myself time to rationalize.

Doing other productive things is crucial to succeed in the first stages of recovery. Pain is a part of a natural human life, as human beings we need to live out those emotions and not seek ways to escape them.

[Phil413]

Today I had no major urges or wishes to a/o. As the saying goes: It's better to learn the hard way than not learning at all.

Another good saying to remember is: The lessons that are bitter to learn are sweet to know.

Phil

[SeekingFreedom27]

Had a more difficult day today. Was fighting with my girlfriend and we both wind up being deeply hurt. The day ended well though and we made up.

Today was a day of headaches and massive urges. But I walked out of it alive luckily.

[CJnOhio]

But I walked out of it alive luckily.

Way to fight through it. Don't give up...doesn't sound like you are either. Congrats.

[SeekingFreedom27]

Yesterday was a bit difficult, went to a party on friday night and felt massive urges when i got home. But I went straight to bed without relapses, stumbled across a triggering photo, then a triggering movie clip in the evening + a triggering phot at flickr.com. But I still managed to walk away from it.

me and my girlfriend have been fighting less again which is a good sign.

I had a hard time thinking about If I had a relapse or not yesterday, but since quitting completely with MB is not a part of my recovery (it happens very rarely), the fact that i stay away from porn makes me sober.

What are you guys opinion on this?

As long as we not purposely engage in compulsive behaviors and let it escalate into looking up P sites online, start MB again and those things I don't see it as a relapse.

[Phil413]

Yesterday was a bit difficult, went to a party on friday night and felt massive urges when i got home. But I went straight to bed without relapses, stumbled across a triggering photo, then a triggering movie clip in the evening + a triggering phot at flickr.com. But I still managed to walk away from it.

me and my girlfriend have been fighting less again which is a good sign.

I had a hard time thinking about If I had a relapse or not yesterday, but since quitting completely with MB is not a part of my recovery (it happens very rarely), the fact that i stay away from porn makes me sober.

What are you guys opinion on this?

I'm always happy to offer my opinion, but I'm not sure what you want an opinion on. Are you asking if MB counts as a relapse? Or are you asking if looking at the triggering photos and video counts as a relapse? Or is it something else?

Phil

[SeekingFreedom27]

I'm always happy to offer my opinion, but I'm not sure what you want an opinion on. Are you asking if MB counts as a relapse? Or are you asking if looking at the triggering photos and video counts as a relapse? Or is it something else?

Phil

ok I will try and explain this a bit better.

Lets say you open a completely innocent website online, you suddenly stumble across some triggering photos in a photo gallery or news article. It creates urges, but you close the window and walk away from the situation.

Would you consider that a relapse for the sole purpose that you looked at those triggering images/videos from a site that have nothing to do with porn in the first place.

[Phil413]

Lets say you open a completely innocent website online, you suddenly stumble across some triggering photos in a photo gallery or news article. It creates urges, but you close the window and walk away from the situation.

Would you consider that a relapse for the sole purpose that you looked at those triggering images/videos from a site that have nothing to do with porn in the first place.

Absolutely not. I would consider that a great victory! You can't help stumbling across triggering photos/videos from time to time through no fault of your own. That's just a fact of life, and there's nothing you can do about it. You also can't help that such things trigger urges and tempt you to lust. That's their nature, and, again, there's nothing you can do about that.

What determines whether you've succeeded or failed is what you do next. If, as you say, you close the window and walk away, congratulations! You've won a great victory, and you should be very proud of yourself. If, on the other hand, you deliberately stare at those things, soaking them in with your eyes, and savoring them; welcoming and savoring the lustful feelings they arouse, well, I'd say you're in grave danger at that point. If, when you realize you're doing that, you ignore the warning and keep doing it, then I'd say you've slipped.

Phil

[SeekingFreedom27]

Absolutely not. I would consider that a great victory! You can't help stumbling across triggering photos/videos from time to time through no fault of your own. That's just a fact of life, and there's nothing you can do about it. You also can't help that such things trigger urges and tempt you to lust. That's their nature, and, again, there's nothing you can do about that.

What determines whether you've succeeded or failed is what you do next. If, as you say, you close the window and walk away, congratulations! You've won a great victory, and you should be very proud of yourself. If, on the other hand, you deliberately stare at those things, soaking them in with your eyes, and savoring them; welcoming and savoring the lustful feelings they arouse, well, I'd say you're in grave danger at that point. If, when you realize you're doing that, you ignore the warning and keep doing it, then I'd say you've slipped.

Phil

Exactly, I agree. Part of recovery is to learn ourselves how to handle triggers. there's almost not a single movie these days rated age limit 15+ that doesn't have triggers in it. In this case I just walked away from the situation to get my mind on something else.

[Phil413]

Exactly, I agree. Part of recovery is to learn ourselves how to handle triggers. there's almost not a single movie these days rated age limit 15+ that doesn't have triggers in it. In this case I just walked away from the situation to get my mind on something else.

You did great, then!

Phil