The First Step

[blindside]

Here goes. Over the last 6-9 months I have kept various personal journals but have not managed to control my addiction in a satisfactory manner. Just when I let my guard down I get blindsided by a session of consumption that reaches epic proportions. I realize now why.

For 17 years my body has not gone without orgasm, on average, for more than a day. I am looking forward with hope to change that. I see from other people's experiences that they see a marked change at 6 weeks. I am trying not to be too ambitious and want to try to reach this benchmark first and then try to evaluate where I am. I expect relapses but hope to not lose my motivation because of them. At the moment I have been sober for 2 days. I am suffering flu like symptoms, massive mood and energy swings, anxiety and sleeping problem. Fun stuff : ) but I'm trying to focus on getting past this hump.

I will update this as best I can.

Start date: March 5th, 2011

[Phil413]

For 17 years my body has not gone without orgasm, on average, for more than a day. I am looking forward with hope to change that. I see from other people's experiences that they see a marked change at 6 weeks. I am trying not to be too ambitious and want to try to reach this benchmark first and then try to evaluate where I am. I expect relapses but hope to not lose my motivation because of them. At the moment I have been sober for 2 days. I am suffering flu like symptoms, massive mood and energy swings, anxiety and sleeping problem. Fun stuff : ) but I'm trying to focus on getting past this hump.

I can totally relate to what you wrote. I used to MB just about every day (and sometimes more) for about 25 years. It's a very hard habit to break. But I want to offer you some hope. I can tell you from personal experience that it does get easier once you get past the initial difficulty. It's now been 96 days since I last did it, and I honestly don't feel the slightest need for it anymore!

Phil

[tubedrt]

I like to keep busy to keep my mind off things. Exercise is great for those tough days. Go downstairs lift some weights, walk/run the treadmill while jammin' the ipod or watching CNN etc. Thats what I do!

[blindside]

Thanks for the encouraging words tubedrt. I definitely try to exercise as much as I can as well as read. And thanks Phil for helping me realize just how difficult the initial days are for everyone. I'm only on day 4 now but yesterday was a massive day. I started out still suffering from the physical symptoms I described above as well as total brain fog. My mind was not letting go of the guilt. Last night I finally broke down in front of a very trusted friend and this morning for the first time in almost a week I am feeling a lot more like myself.

I know it's early and relapses are bound to happen. I just hope next time I won't beat myself up so much over it and actually use my mistakes to learn. And I think that's the curx of the whole thing. Finding the right balance. I read Mell's first post in his journal. The cycle he describes of initial shame leading up to recovery and overconfidence is what scares me the most. I know I need to remember that it's ok to slip up as long as I bounce back and keep at the task of retraining my brain.

For far too long I have been making little or no progress because I have approached this situation with a moral code that causes me to just hate and despise myself. Reading people's accounts and especially the material on yourbrainonporn.com has made me realize that I have a physical and emotional addiction that needs to be tackled just like any other addiction. And this will take time and effort.

Of course once one gets a handle on the actual physical act of Mb/using P the issues behind how the addiction began or the depression/stress that leads to slip ups must be dealt with. That is probably even harder and very specific to each one of us. But I have hope. And I pray.

- Peace and love to all.

[blindside]

Starting on day 5. Yesterday was a full day. Something curious happened which I'd like to record. One of the senior managers at my workplace randomly asked me to finish up a little bit of work for him double time since it had to go out the door urgently. I remember the stress sinking in and right away the next cue was to reach for the mouse and start watching some vids. At work! For stress relief! Thankfully I managed to resist. I realized with full force how damaged my mental circuitry is.

Oh well. One day at a time.

[CJnOhio]

Blindside....you have a great start going for you. I'd have to ask though,

- have you purged all your computers and smartphone of all porn, even the softest of the soft?
-do you have filters on your computer and smartphone?
-do you have an accountability partner?

Next steps I'd recommend, enroll yourself in one of the self-help groups, SA, SAA, etc or start an online recovery program (SettingCaptivesFree.com or RecoveryNation.com)

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Next steps I'd recommend, enroll yourself in one of the self-help groups, SA, SAA, etc or start an online recovery program (SettingCaptivesFree.com or RecoveryNation.com)

CJ is so right on this my friend. The best thing that I have done in my recovery, is to start SAA Meetings. I never want to see myself without them. I love them so much
I feel that they will help you also. why not give one a shot, and check it out?

[blindside]

Hey guys. I'm trying to do this right the very first time. I am now in touch with my local SAA group. I guess what's making me a little nervous is having to admit my problem infront of a stranger(s). When I read your comments I recognized the familiar feeling of fear and nervousness that I always have when considering joining SAA.

I want this time to be different. i want to force myself to get as much help as I can.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hey guys. I'm trying to do this right the very first time. I am now in touch with my local SAA group. I guess what's making me a little nervous is having to admit my problem infront of a stranger(s). When I read your comments I recognized the familiar feeling of fear and nervousness that I always have when considering joining SAA.

I want this time to be different. i want to force myself to get as much help as I can.

I am so glad that you are going to do this. and as for being a little nervous about admitting your problems to them, believe me my friend, they are not going to hear anything that they havent heard before. I find it very easy for me to talk in the group. The meeting I go to, has 3 women in it. I felt a little weird at first talking in front of them, but after I heard there stories, they are no different from me.

I feel that you will come to love the meetings. I can not express just how much they helped me to be where I am at today. I am glad that you made this step to go

I just want to say this. I hear many other stories that a person goes to a meeting for the first time, and that ends up being their last time. the reason is, because for some reason, they just didn't feel comfortable with that group, I am trying to say is, if you feel this way, and nothing you do makes you comfortable, please dont stop going, but instead, find another group to go to. just dont go by the first few meeting to thank that they are not for you. you just need to find the right group of people to go to. but you should be ok. as for me, the moment I walked through that door, they made me feel so damn welcomed. I am with a wonderful group of people, that I have grown to have much LOVE and RESPECT for. they are my family. they have helped me so much at these meetings

[blindside]

Starting on day 7. Last night was a little scary. I was watching TV and the show happened to have a graphic s*x scene in it. For the first time in the past 7 days I could feel myself getting tempted. But here's the tricky part. It wasn't a temptation to Mb or watch P as much as it was a buildup of anxiety. I'm having a hard time explaining it but basically when I get faced by an old cue or trigger my mind starts to get anxious that I am not going to be able to keep this up. That I am going to fail. Again. Sadly my immediate response is a strong desire to rid myself of the anxiety using Mb and porn!

It's like a viscous self fullfilling prophecy. I managed to walk away from that situation but I can see in the days going forward this will be more and more of an issue. Do any of you guys understand where I am coming from.

Thoughts and opinions are much appreciated.