Hi, I'm new to this site...

[aaronleong]

Not sure if this is the right forum to start my thread, so here goes! My background story can be found here in my intro post:

Wife of 6-years Wants a Divorce

[aaronleong]

Last night and today was my first day alone in the house, after my wife and son moved out. I was upset, alone and mildly depressed, but I am proud that I did not have any temptations to revert to porn. Instead I rearranged some furniture, went for a walk and enjoyed the day. Talking with friends and family hasn't hurt either; venting definitely helps ease the pain, but also dissipate my triggers.

Keep praying for me y'all.

[PeterB]

Nice job, Aaron. You found yourself in a situation and a state of mind that would easily put you back into P and MB, and you resisted! I think this shows you are ready to do this not because of you wife's insistence, but for yourself and because you know it's the right thing to do. Well done.

[aaronleong]

Nice job, Aaron. You found yourself in a situation and a state of mind that would easily put you back into P and MB, and you resisted! I think this shows you are ready to do this not because of you wife's insistence, but for yourself and because you know it's the right thing to do. Well done.

Thanks Peter! I can tell you with joy in my heart that when I have that temptation or urge, I picture my wife and channel those primal urges with her image. I do MB, but with her (and some, ahem, risque photos of her) as my fantasy. Is that okay, I wonder?

My wife knows about this, but at this point in her life/decision, she finds what I do insulting and especially, an invasion of her privacy. I initially thought that if I told her she might find it somewhat flattering, but I forget that women won't think physical unless they respect you emotionally.

[likeafish34]

Well done Aaron. Good to see that you're doing okay.

It's a good idea to write a journal. I've found it a great help. I recommend writing on your good days and on your bad days. Keep coming back for encouragement and make sure that you read other PAs and SOs posts.

Take care.

Simon

[PeterB]

Well, like I said I haven't been sober very long, but I've decided not to MB, either. I'm not sure if looking at photos of your wife would count as P. Personally, and with my limited knowledge of a subject that appears to have a very small amount of scholarly research, i'm leaning toward thinking it's ok for you to do so. In my mind, P is about a fantasy, one that can and should never be fulfilled. Using your wife, to me, isn't a fantasy since she's a real person and your sexual partner. There are those on here that I'm sure will disagree, but that's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. In my own journal, I'm struggling with allowing myself to be intimate with my wife during this time, which, to a non PA, would seem utterly ridiculous.

[Phil413]

Thanks Peter! I can tell you with joy in my heart that when I have that temptation or urge, I picture my wife and channel those primal urges with her image. I do MB, but with her (and some, ahem, risque photos of her) as my fantasy. Is that okay, I wonder?

My wife knows about this, but at this point in her life/decision, she finds what I do insulting and especially, an invasion of her privacy. I initially thought that if I told her she might find it somewhat flattering, but I forget that women won't think physical unless they respect you emotionally.

What you're telling your wife by doing this is that she's no different to you than a porn actress, and you have no problem using her in the same way you use them. You reduce her to a commodity, a tool that you use with all the tenderness and affection that you would use a Kleenex when you feel the need to sneeze.

Phil

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

If you need a picture or a fantasy to climax when you MB, perhaps you don't need to MB? If MB is natural and fulfills an urge for sxual release, but you can't get that release without help, perhaps its not such a natural thing for you?

I would listen Phil's thoughts about using your wife's picture or a fantasy of her as a tool for release. Actually, I would listen to your wife's thoughts as she feels this is degrading and an invasion. If she isn't interested in being with you physically at this time, then fantasizing about her is no different than fantasizing about anyone else who you can't actually be with.

Many members of this site mention total abstinence from sx and MB for a period of time to retrain their brain and reset their brain chemistry. This is something worth looking into, especially if you are using fantasies of your wife against her wishes and in spite of her discomfort. This is just brain P and won't help your recovery in my opinion.

[PeterB]

Well, don't listen to me, aaron, I'm only a week sober. I do have to admit, re-reading your post, that using your wife's photos without her knowledge and/or consent for MB probably isn't 'best practice'. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say she's nothing more to you than the anonymous women you would see in P. When we are intimate with our SO's it is both a physical and emotional connection. IMO, they both have to be present for a healthy sexual relationship, which is to say it is OK to be physically attracted and stimulated by your partner, as long as the emotional part is also there. That's not to say our SO's need to be underwear models but, to us, when we see the with our eyes, it's ok to let ourselves give in to the physical attraction, however much (or little) it is entangled with our emotional attraction to them. Should you stop doing that? Probably, yes. Is it better than using actual P of women are not your wife? Most definitely.

[aaronleong]

LikeAFish, PeterB, Phil413, WifeofNewLifeMan -- thank you guys for your support and 2x4s. You are right about the possibility of confusing my emotional connection to the physical connection when I MB to pictures of my wife. On top of that, she explicitly said that me using/having photos of her is an invasion of her privacy, so I am respecting that. I will admit to y'all that last night I did MB while remembering/picturing what my wife and I used to do in bed (or other places :)), the way she looks, smells or tastes like.

I have to add that this isn't a new development since our separation, i.e. my huge wake-up call. I've always fantasized about my wife, but never expressed it TO her. I did porn, but never MBed to it (I do have a visual/emotional high from participating in the act of looking and saving porn, though). Till this day she finds it hard to believe that I don't MB to porn. But any urges or releases that I have, she was who I fantasized about when I did.