optomistic start

[ski218]

Hello everyone,

This is day 0. I have been looking at p for over 8 years and i am ready to quit. My addiction has gone up and down but it has seemed to progress. I am really embarassed and ashamed about how far it has gone. Recently i have become addicted to chat rooms and i feel so ashamed for my actions and lost time. Addiction has been a disease in my family and i thought it may have missed me because i didnt have problems with alcohol or gambling, but i was blind to how the disease affected me.

I have a few things going right in my life despite this addiction. I have a wonderful SO whom i love and live with as well as a great job. She does not know about my addiction and it has had a minimal effect on our relationship. There is a decrease in physical intimacy when im looking at a lot of porn and i feel like im cheating her out of a better relationship. She is one of the reasons why i want to overcome my addiction. I know this process could be easier with her support, but at this time i dont want to put her through that pain. I cant even imagine how awful i would feel for her to know about my p and chatroom habits. The rest of my life has been affected by this addiction. My hobbies and friendships have dwindled and weakened. I want to overcome this addiction so i have more time, self-esteem, and control over my life.

I have made a few attempts at quitting, with my first serious one at New Years. I made it over 3 weeks until i discovered what has turned out to be my biggest trigger/weakness- getting home from a tough day of work early. My physical and mental stamina at that time is weak and i know that my SO wont be home for hours. I have attempted to quit since then, but have struggled to make it more than 5 days. I am optimistic about this journal and forums. I tried keeping my own personal journal, but there was nobody to hold me accountable and the only person i disapointed was myself. It will be great having a community out there who supports me, and it will be great for me to support others in this process. I know it will be a tough journey ahead, but i look forward to conquering it one day at a time. I will be posting on here everytime i come home alone and anytime i see my self having free time alone. In my posts i will try to come up with a plan on how i am going to spend my time and hopefully this will help overcome that weakness.

I have read a lot of advice on this site and i want to thank everyone out there.

Thanks and Good luck!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

ski218
Hello, and welcome to TTF
So glad that you are here to get help. this addiction is one that we can never do on our own. And there is no better place to be. It sounds like that you are serious in wanting this addiction out of your life. Good for you.
But if we are to have a good recovery, this means that we MUST, make many changes in our lives. unlike other addictions, this one we are fighting with, is around us all the time. we can not hide from it. There are many things that can act as a trigger to us, and we need to find out what they are, so we can keep them out of our life.

If you are to beat this, you need to want to do so in your heart. No willpower, or you just saying I am quitting, is going to work fro you. It is you and your HEART, that need to want this recovery. Please take a look at yourself, and see what you need to do to fight this monster. Choose your weapons carefully, because this beast is very cleaver in getting around lot of things. he is going to fight you to death, because all he wants, is for you to continue, in this life of porn.

This journey is a long tough one. but if you work your recovery plan right, It will be a lot more easier for you. If and when you do slip, pick yourself up right away, and keep fighting. you must never give in to him, because if you do, he will strike harder on you

You are not here alone my friend. We are here to help you. we are all fighting the same addiction. this show just how strong this beast truly is, as he is fighting you, he is fightings thousands more at the same time
I just wish you the best of luck in your recovery. I will check in to see how you are doing

[JenMac]

Hi ski218!
Welcome to TTF!
Ski, it is a positive thing that you have realized that this is a problem in your life on your own. I believe as you go along that you will realize on a deeper level that this affects you even more than you realize right now.
I am glad you have found us ski! I respect your decision that you do not want to share this with your wife at this time. I understand that you want to spare her the pain that this would no doubt cause to her. As you move along in your recovery, I do believe that you will begin to realize that for true recovery to take place, honesty will be a major factor in that recovery being complete. It really has to be.
I am an SO here ski who discovered quite by accident the secrets my H was keeping and yes it was devastating! My H Mac and I have been here at TTF for about 10 months now and we have come far in our healing from this intrusion in our lives. We have learned so much along the way and yes there have been many difficult challenges along the way. But we are here, 11 months after discovery, stronger, wiser and closer than we have ever been. It has been quite a journey! My only caution to you would be, that you have a chance now to divulge this to your wife before she discovers it and that would be a positive thing in many ways, for if your wife discovers by accident it takes that opportunity from you forever. I have heard many a PA here who would love to have that opportunity over again.
I am wishing you all the best ski as you begin to heal from this difficult place you find yourself in. I hope you find strength and healing here at TTF. I know it has been a blessing in my life.
I would suggest installing a filter on your computers and to read up on the articles and resources you will find here. Read, read, read!
I really do commend you for being here of your own free will ski! That truly says something about your desire for recovery!
All the best ski!
Jenn

[OpenEyes]

Hi Ski,

I am a fellow PA, and I have been on this path a while. May I suggest a few things?

Read over the articles on this website thoroughly. They put P in a great perspective.

Understand yourself and do so real, rough examination of your feelings. It will not be easy, since P condistions us to NOT feel.

Make a point to invest time that you have gained from not viewing P, to re-energize your relationship with your SO. Get romantic. Apply some effort, thought and emotions into it. The reward will be far more than you ever got with P.

During these first days, before you turn on the PC, plan out what websites you will visit and ONLY go to those.

Just some suggestions that may help.

Good luck and stay strong!

[ski218]

Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I'm feeling pretty good today, this journal and website make me feel a lot stronger and in control. I hope this sense of control will last for sometime. In Need of Help thank youi for the advice. I really need to remember the part about picking myself back up if I fail. When my recent attempts have failed, my addiction took a turn for the worse and my attempts at quitting became weaker. Jenn i appreciate your story and will keep it in mind. I am going to be giving that idea a lot of thought over the next few weeks and months. Openeyes, thank you for the advice. I look forward to enhancing my relationship, and get it back to where it was when we started dating. The first year and a half was mostly p free and television free and we really had a great time. I do not have internet for my computer and that has helped me with the addiction, but then it started to manifest through my phone's internet. I got off unlimited data at new years to add some motivation, but again i buckled. I really appreciate you guys reading my story. I'm going to leave the house and go run some errands and get work done until my SO gets home.

P.S. I realized how to spell optimistic today. Is there any way to edit the threads title???

Thanks and good luck!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

ski218
Just wanted to stop by to see how you are doing. I am glad that you found this site, good for you and your recovery. We have no one else that we can run to with this addiction, so we just have each other here at TTF. If all of us, fight this monster together, we will have a much better chance of defeating him for good.
Keep coming back to post in your journal, this way we can try to help you the best that we can

[chasman62]

Welcome to TTF! I just have a couple of items of advice. One is hard to follow and one is easy. Let's start with the hard one:

Tell your SO! Take the chance you have to get this out into the light of day. Most of us never had the guts to do that and got caught, some (including me) after years of denial and self and marital destruction. If you are serious about building a new life then start with that. Takes tremendous courage but it will make a huge difference in your chances of success. Oh and if you really think she doesn't know something is wrong think again. Listen to the SO's on here..they all knew 'something was up' long before they actually discovered the truth. Believe me it is a thousand times worse if you don't tell and get discovered.

Now for the easy one:

Get rid of all your access. Dont try to get cute by 'limiting' your downloads on your phone. Cut off access completely or filter it or block it in some way. I got rid of my personal blackberry (that I was using for texting/chatting etc) and now only have a work phone where the activity is closely monitored by our IT department. Computers all have filters on them. Put as many roadblocks between you and acting out as you can. It really does help get through the first period of 'withdrawal'.

Wishing you the best.

Chas

[ski218]

Thanks for the advice. In need of help- it really does make a difference having this site to come to and read articles and discuss our struggles. This site has given me a lot more strength and confidence. Chasman thanks for the advice. It is really tough thinking about telling my SO. I will definitly keep thinking about it and read some of the SO journals here to get a better idea. I know it sounds selfish, but right now i just want to focus on myself and my recovery. I have a really great relationship with my SO and it provides me a foundation to fight this addiction. Maybe I'm in denial about how much my SO knows. As far as the internet goes, i have unfortunately done the best i can. I have to have my phone for work, but it is a personal phone and not monitored. Maybe i can find some kind of software to block certain sites.

Today should be a good day. I will be out of the house until late and then onto a date with the SO. Weekends have never been a weakness for me because that is the main time my SO and I get to enjoy together. I will try to update the journal sometime this weekend, but it is possible it wont happen until Monday.

Thanks again for the advice and good luck!

[Jon Doe 109]

Ski, thanks for sharing so far. Good journal... I've think you're doing the right thing and have a good perspective on things. Good luck in recovery - I'm a newbie as well and have found the this forum to be very helpful so far. It's strange, when I'm tired physically I'm at my most vulnerable... I start having thoughts of relapse. Honestly, without the accountability of this TTF community I'd of relapsed by now... so the journals and threads really have helped so far. I'm steadily gaining will power and resolve and sadly a little pride ;)

[ski218]

Today is day 5. I had a good weekend with my SO and i'm ready to battle this week. The urge to relapse is strong today, and i am going to get out of the house after posting and do some work for a few hours. I really feel great when i am around others, but the moment i am alone, the urge comes back. This journal is really helping me today and i am thankful i can write my thoughts here.