optomistic start

[ski218]

Wow, I'm back and doing fantastic. I had a really good trip and got to reconnect with a lot of people. I'm thrilled to have made it over the elusive 100-day mark and for the first time I really feel that I am becoming a new person, and not just the old me holding on tight in recovery. I am starting to see the old me for all its true colors and problems, and realizing how I will never go back there. It is starting to feel like I look back on a stranger, because that person is not like me now. I know I feel really great now, but it won't always last, and I am not going to get lazy about recovery. I'm excited to get back on here and catch up on so many journals. I'm also working every day to try and keep my life in balance, and have noticed that the healthier I live, the less cravings I have and the easier it is to make the right decision in the moment of craving. I hope everyone is doing well, and I will try to post some more later.

[ski218]

So I have been trying out this new program from the website curethecraving.org for about 4 weeks now. It is designed from a life-coach who has also been through the trenches of pa. Some of his stuff is directed towards pa, and other stuff is just directed at how to make realistic changes in one's own life to establish balance and happiness. A lot of the stuff he talks about I have learned on ttf and other sites, but it is nice to hear it another way and to make some connections that I haven't been able to make. At times it gets a little preachy with either religion or a sales-pitch. I credit the program with really helping me establish new positive habits and improving my self-image which has helped me battle this addiction. We have all destroyed our self-image through the shame of p/mb, and it has taken me awhile to get that back and realize that I never should have lost it in the first place. If anyone else has been through this program I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. I'm sure I'll be constructing several journal posts in the next 8 months of topics I learn about through the program.

I hope everyone here has a great day!

[ski218]

I joined ttf a year ago this month, and it is great to be in a new and better place than I was at that time. I have learned a lot over the last year. One thing that is really helping me now is the fact that if I take care of my body, it takes care of me with less craving and the power to make appropriate decisions. Taking care of my body doesn't only mean exercising, but eating right, and learning how to build my self-esteem and manage stress. Self-esteem has been a big problem, because I remember after "acting-out" I would feel awful about my self and just say the most awful things about myself for doing it again and not being able to stop. Reversing the damage from that dialogue in my brain is not an easy process, but it is making improvements. Taking care of my body has helped my self-esteem, learning how to accept myself, and learning how my self-worth exists all the time where as the past is in the past and I have the choice to move forward. I think from a religious point of view, learning that God forgives you and accepts you despite your previous behaviors is a key to realizing your self-worth. I'm not religious, but I have been able to grasp this concept and use it to help me.

[ski218]

Things are pretty smooth sailing for me right now. I'm continuing to make this fight my number 1 priority in life and dedicating a decent chunk of time every morning towards recovery. Trying to build some new habits that will carry forward and save me in times of stress, sickness, and craving. Trying to really manage my stress levels as I know that plays a big role in cravings. Exercise is always a good way, but also, I have been trying new things. I try to have some technology-free time at home which helps me focus on what I'm feeling/experiencing, rather than drowning it out with the tv/computer. It also helps strengthen my relationship with my SO and helps us talk more. Another technique that I have been using a little bit is setting a timer for 5-7 minutes and lying in bed and just trying to relax and move on from the stresses experienced during the day. I do this right when I get home, and it seems to set me up for a better and more enjoyable evening.

hope everyone has a great day!

[ski218]

Well I just had a pretty good weekend. It was busy, but got to catch up with a lot of friends. It was fun to watch the super bowl last night, but the commercials definitely stirred up some unpleasant feelings. Seems like the commercials are a whole new level in terms of s*x content. I just sat there in some level of disbelief that this shit gets put on the air. I just tried to sit in the moment and feel what my body was going through, and then tell myself that it is not real and to just let-go of the chemical high my body was trying to receive from the commercial. Also, I tried to focus on my drink or food, and not to the commercial. After the commercial was done I just tried to get the thoughts out of my head and to move forward. I acknowledge that the lust shown by these commercials has a tremendous power over our emotions/bodies, but I let that end with the commercial and did not linger on it. I know the old me would have let that linger for days and possibly lead to me acting out. It is impossible to go through life without facing temptations, but I would like to think that I am learning how to quickly move past them and on the the next moment of the day. I hope everyone had a good weekend!

[ski218]

Feeling at a loss of words for my own journal this week. I am not having highs and lows of recovery that I had in the early stages, but I feel as if I am just living life now. That is not to say I'm taking it easy, I still spend every morning on here and/or listening to a program and meditating. Yesterday I spent some time thinking about how the role of fantasy has fueled this addiction and the importance of getting it out of my life. Fantasy and lust go pretty much hand-in-hand and they serve as a drug to get a chemical high that my body can make. I'm re-learning that a real relationship is not based on fantasy or lust, but a true connection that actually provides satisfaction and doesn't leave you with the shitty shame/guilt feeling that fantasy/p does. I think with p the fantasy was always to be this great guy/stud who these beautiful women just lusted after. Of course this leads to wanting to act like that guy in real life and put women in really uncomfortable situations. I think they are just selling an emotion of being powerful/dominant/strong/desired. This fantasy is a joke and I'm leaving it behind. I don't need fantasy in real-life, it is not necessary in my wonderful relationship. Learning to expect what is real rather than chasing a fantasy has led me to feel much calmer, happier, and fulfilled. It is becoming clear that if I hardwire my brain for fantasy I will never be satisfied. It is like a drug addict chasing a perfect high that will satisfy him and not leave him wanting more the next day. I have been wiring my brain for years with p, and the circuits are starting to change.

[ski218]

I had a decent weekend. I am battling a cold, but it was nice to hang out at home and have a slow weekend with my SO. I expected the urges to be strong while I am sick, but they haven't come. It used to be that my body was trained to give in to p/mb because it would make me feel good even while I was sick. It is nice for them to not be here, but I still have my guard up. I am taking it easy today as well. I hope everyone had a good weekend!

[ski218]

It has been a while since I have posted in my own journal. Mostly been spending time reading and posting elsewhere. Not much new to say in my recovery. As time goes on, I'm more and more focused on exercise. Last year I did a marathon. It was something I always dreamed about doing, despite never being much of a runner. I signed up for it because I thought with the structured schedule it would help me train and I thought it would make an impact on the fight against p, but it certainly didn't solve that problem. I think the stress of sticking to a training schedule had a bigger effect on me than the benefit of exercise. It ended up being a success and I was able to finish, and now I have been in the process of getting into another exercise routine the last few months. Now I am finding out how to use exercise as a very powerful tool against this addiction. For the most part, my effort is focused on taking care of my body and then it will take care of me. This means exercising, eating better, and figuring out how to relieve stress. I try to do 30-60 min of cardio/weight exercise about 5 days a week. I think chemically speaking exercise plays a big role in recovery from addiction because it exposes our brain to a lot of the same neurotransmitters that are released in addiction. Without this exposure, our bodies experience stronger withdrawal and cravings for the thing that used to release the chemicals- p and mb. Hope everyone is doing well.

[fightingdefeat]

Nice on doing a marathon, it's a dream of mine as well. I love running, but right now with winter hitting me hard it's rough to get outside and get in the miles...

Great post on the exercise in relation to our PA. It's so true. When I am exercising regularly it helps me so much... and when I am not, I can instantly feel the pressure and temptations on a stronger level. It also helps our self-esteem and overall self image which can definitely impact our fight as well.

Glad to hear you are doing well, keep it up bro!

[ski218]

The effect of exercise on self-esteem has been huge in helping me recover. P has done so much damage to my self-esteem, and I am finally getting back to a healthy point in my life. The years of struggling with p addiction have eaten away at the image I had of myself, because I felt so ashamed for the way I kept going back to it despite telling myself I would quit and despite being in a great relationship. Sobriety, exercise, hobbies, and the cure the craving program have really helped me develop a new self-image and identity that doesn't need p/mb to escape the problems of daily life. Now, I find other ways to manage emotions, communicate with my SO better than I ever have, and building new habits of exercise and cooking (which means eating much healthier than before). I am realizing the control I have over the decisions in my life and it feels great.