One day at a time - Needtoheal - PA

[needtoheal]

I have watched porn since I was a teenager but never thought I had a problem. When I married my first wife she made me throw my collection away but I agreed and was fine with it although I still watched internet porn occassionally. When I married my second wife she had no problems with porn.

After we had been living together a while my wife walked in on me masturbating whilst watching porn on television. She was horrified, shocked, hurt all the things you would expect. We talked it through and worked through it and I explained that I had been feeling in the mood and she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her. She reluctantly accepted that and I promised in future to wake her up instead. Everything was then fine for a couple of years.

I didn't use porn for some time. Then due to financial problems we had to move in to my parents house, I found myself feeling like a teenager again and reverted a little. I started watching porn when my wife was out or in bed usually on tv or the internet but also using text chatlines. My wife found out when the phone bill came through and again suffered all the feelings I had put her through before. I hated myself for that and promised that I would stop. I sort help with a counsellor (not a sex therapist specialist just a general counsellor) and resolved some anger issues and anger management issues. I identified porn as a form of escapism. I had not masturbated whilst watching porn this time (and haven't since), I just used it to escape my head. My wife struggles to understand that and I can see why. Porn is such a sexual thing that it points to problems in that area, my wife and I have never had such problems. My wife has always had low self-esteem and I damage it everytime I watch porn. Yet I cannot stop. Even when I know how it will hurt her I can't. Anyway I managed to stop again, or so i thought.

We got back on our feet and got our own house and things were perfect. Until one Sunday morning I found myself up early in the living room alone watching internet porn. Again not masturbating just watching. My wife has developed a sixth sense about it and when she came downstairs she knew I had been doing it again. once more the old feelings for her were stirred up and that sent me into my own spiral.

My wife being the amazing woman she is again stood by me and we worked through it. Once again though, just as things were getting back on track (yeterday in fact) my wife went out early leaving all the kids in bed and me on my own. I retreated to the bedroom and watched some porn. It is so obvious to me now that I have an addiction. My wife again knew something had been going on and questioned me about it. Thats why I am here.

I am in danger of losing my wife, I have so many questions unanswered about why I do this. Reading here its nice to know I am not alone but I need to stop this now. I started a journal once before and hope that keeping one here will keep me more focussed on maintaining it.

[CurseTheBeast]

Need to Heal. First, welcome. You are not alone. I encourage you to spend alot of time in here reading. Which of course will help build your strength. You have made an important step. But as you know if you relax....you can very easily slip.
Get rid of all P that you have either material things at home or places that you can get to on the internet. While "out of sight" in our situation is not "out of mind".
Curse The Beast!

[needtoheal]

Thanks cursethebeast. I am going to get my wife to set up parental controls etc... tonight to block all the internet stuff. Everything else has already gone. Thanks for the advice, its obvious stuff but sometimes you need to hear it from somewhere else.

[needtoheal]

Ok so thats day 1.

No porn at all. To be honest thats cos I have spent all day feeling sick. Sick cos of the way I have made my wife feel, again. Sick cos I have made the same mistakes I always make. See the first few weeks is easy for me. Its when the sickness fades that I am more prone to slips. I know that yet still i let it happen, I let myself relax and then i get blindsided by it. That makes me feel weak and out of control I hate that too. Yesterday I thought this thing had me beat all ends up but coming here and finding so many with similar stories, similar backgrounds is reassuring. So are all the positive stories people are telling about staying ahead and winning the battle.

I am working on triggers in my head, I have been reading others recovery plans and see that most of my triggers are shared. That makes me feel better, but then I worry that they aren't really my triggers and that I am just picking some that fit. I am going to sleep on it and see how i feel and think in the morning.

Can i do this? Yes I think so. I know its going to be hard, and the hardest part for me comes when I feel like I have it beat. Thats when I slip up. My biggest worry is my wife. Have I done too much damage this time? Only time will tell. I will be spending as much time, rebuilding our relationship, winning back her trust and reassuring her that I am on the road to winning this fight, permanently this time.

Thats the worst bit, I have been here before, so has she, and whatever I have done before we end up back here. This time is different. This is the first time I have sought proper support from the outside and to be honest I am still feeling pretty uneasy about it. I am usually a very private person so this kind of thing isn't easy but I know its something I have to do to win this fight.

Whatever happens I won't let the beast win. I am locking down my internet access tonight and getting my wife to set all the filtering passwords, I will have no way of getting round them.

I only came on to type a few words and feel like i have written a chapter. I guess thats a good thing...

[CurseTheBeast]

P is a habit. I just had a moment of thought (anyway) as my wife left the house and what I used to do was go straight to the internet for P. Thank goodness, I came here. Feel better. You have to break the habits. Being alone is an amazing trigger for me and I bet alot of people.

Keep up the good work. It is worth it.

[JenMac]

Hi NeedtoHeal!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you have found us!
I am an SO here who, along with my H Mac, have been here since April. We have found much support and friendship here at TTF.
We too, are very private people and have not shared this information with anyone in our everyday life. We have only shared here at TTF. And I can tell you that it has been a blessing for us to be able to do that. By being here together, we have been able to rebuild our relationship from the brink of disaster. We have spent the past 11 months healing ourselves and our relationship from this dreadful intrusion.
After my discovery of my H's secret my H, like you, was doing everything within his power to save our relationship. He really had no idea how much this had affected him but he knew that our 33 year marriage was in serious trouble. He was really reacting to that situation and so in a way, he was scared straight.
Now you know that that will only last for so long, right?
There has to be more happen than just stopping the P. There has to be a lot of learning and understanding happen along the way. My H and I sought out a lot of information about this industry that he had been supporting and that coupled with the damage done to our relationship and the deepening knowledge of how this had affected himself, set the groundwork for a very strong recovery. He is also a much happier and content person at this point in his recovery. Also, our relationship is stronger and closer than perhaps it has ever been.
I would encourage you to invite your wife to join our site, NeedtoHeal. She will need support and guidance as well and the communication that can come from being here together can foster healing for both of you.
I wish you well on your path to healing NtH!
Keep coming back!
Jenn

[needtoheal]

Thanks JenMac everythingyou said rings true with me. Being scared straight is exactly what has happened to me before and as you said that only lasts so long. Now with the support I am already finding here I feel more confident I can beat this permanently.

I have told my wife about the site and have invited her along. I feel sure she will visit in the near future.

[needtoheal]

Day 2

So far so good. No interaction with P in any way shape or form, other than the images that flash through my head to tempt me, but they have all been resisted.

My wife and I had a long talk last night, discussing where we were, and what was going to happen. She knows I love her and that she is the most important thing in my life. She is standing by me and supporting me as I start this fight again. We went out together today and bought her a symbol of our new start. When I am 100 days clean we will both get something to reward/encourage us, then again every 100 days I am clean so we have a record of how we are winning the fight.

I was going over triggers in my head and have identified them all:

1. Being alone and down. Not just being alone, but when I am alone and at a low ebb. Watching P is a form of an escapism for me and any sexual element dissappeared a long time ago, when I am alone and low I need to escape and my addiction wins far too easily at that point.

2. Being stressed. I do get stressed at work and have been hiding that from my wife so she doesn't worry. When my stress starts to max out I need that escapism again. I am going to start telling my wife when I have had a bad day, rather than just glossing over the fact. Sharing the load will stop the stress build up that puts me into my downward spiral.

3. Internalising emotion. This is the biggy. The problem I have had as long as I can remember. The only emotion I know how to handle and deal with is anger. Any other emotion, particularly negative ones I just bottle up bury and put a layer of anger over the top. Eventually that gets to much and pop, i get angry with the world the other emotions overwhelm me and I need to get back in my 'safe' bubble. The way round this for me is to talk to my wife. Share what I am feeling with her knowing that she will understand. She has always been there for me and always been willing to help me cope, I just never feel able to do so. Not cos of her but just cos of me and the way I am. I need to start feeling things rather than hiding them.

All these triggers point to the same thing, bottling something up inside till it bursts and not being able to control the flood. That has to stop, its better to let these things trickle out rather than rush out. I know that its just not neccessarily that easy to do.

I haven't thought directly about P today, but I do get the odd image flash through my mind. Some of them make me think 'one last peek wouldn't hurt' but of course it would. I have resisted them so far but this is only day 2 I know they will get stronger before this is over. I choose reality though. When I feel the world getting too much I don't need to escape to a fantasy world I just need to talk with my wife, be with my wife and let our love bring me through...

[Jon Doe 109]

Needtoheal, great journal.. thanks for sharing. I'm doing my best to quit too, it's not easy but these journals really help me realize I'm not alone and that this addiction is very real and hard to quit. But, so far, with the support of the people here and some old fashioned will power, I'm growing up and taking control of my actions. Things with my wife are getting better each day. I wish you the best in your recovery!
Jon

[IN NEED OF HELP]

needtoheal
Great journal you have going here. I am glad that you are 2 days clean. believe it or not, 2 days is a great step in your recovery. just keep it up.
I am glad to do know what your triggers are. Now you can put on the things that trigger you, in to your recovery program, and you will be able to fight this monster a little easier. As you already know, this addiction is tough to beat, because the monster, loves to hang around, and wait for the right time to pounce on us. Always have all of your weapon ready to fight him. He is a cleaver and sneaky thing, and he fight you back with all that he has, and he is very strong.

Stand firm in your recovery, and put it deep in your heart that you no longer want his crap in your life, and you will be able to fight him back, with more power than he has.

Keep it up my friend, you are off to a very good start