One day at a time - Needtoheal - PA

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Day 9

Still clean ... but only just...

I thought of my wife, my family, my journal, and all you guys here. I stuck my hands in my pockets and walked away. I felt exhausted afterwards. Kinda good too, but worried about the fact I wobbled this early. I beat it though, a small victory but I am chalking it up as a 'W' o:-)

I wonder if its like smoking, if the first one is always the hardest to say no too. Normally I haven't wobbled this early, normally its 6 months down the line and I fall straight off the wagon. I think its because I am so much more focused on it this time. Thats down to the situation and also the fact that visiting here makes me focus.

I am so happy that you done what you did and walked away. I like that you thought about many things that helped you to make the decision that you did. when we think about the pain that we caused to our loved ones, and to ourself, that makes it a little bit easier to not give in to the temptation that we come across.

This addiction causes us to be emotionally exhausted. We are always on guard against this, and it is a huge struggle in our mind to do the right thing. There will always be struggles that we deal with. the thing is, how do we handle them. we need to be so focussed in our recovery, that when we do struggle, we know what we need to do to shake them off. Yes this was a small victory, and be proud you had this. but just think of how good you are going to feel when you have the victory that you are free from this for good

I do wish you the best in your recovery. fight theses urges, work your recovery plan, and continue to come here for support, and you will be ok. You are not in this alone, we are here to help you the best that we can

[JenMac]

HI NTH!
I am glad that you resisted the temptations and feel good about that. It was a good thing for sure. However, it seems you put yourself in a place of temptation and that is risky. There is lots of advice here that speaks of how you need to manage your day in order to offset as much temptation as possible. Avoiding certain places and situations, making plans for difficult times of the day to ensure you are not alone, along with many other strategies will assist you in moving ahead in this battle. What are your triggers? How will you manage them in the future? Make your plan NTH! Relying on willpower alone is usually not sufficient.
Someone here once spoke of picturing themselves after they had succumbed to the urges, when the negative thoughts and feelings take place, and that was enough to get them through those strong urges. Seems sensible to me.
There is much wisdom here at TTF. I hope you can use it to give yourself the strength and determination to win this fight over this addiction!
All the best! Keep coming back!
Jenn

[needtoheal]

Day 11

Since the wobble I have felt stronger. It seems that I have noticed temptation more but found it easier to say no. I am happy about that.

Its been a stressful couple of days at work and I have ensure that i am not in a situation where I might turn to P. I read JenMac's post and took on board her comments about not putting myself in a place of temptation. Not always easy though, sometimes i don't always realise where I am till I'm there. The amin thing after last week is that i am still clean. No slips and that is what I am focussed on.

I have added magazines as a danger area on my plan (not something I had considered before) so am now equipping myself to deal with that.

Stress, thats a problem at the moment. P was always my escape from stress. I need to find another though. I have tried computer games, reading and music but nothing seemed to work. I am going to try meditating. One again i have put my Buddhism book down but I need to pick it up again. Meditation is a part of it and I know it will help me. Its about finding another way to take myself out of myself if you see what I mean. Anyway i hope to have time this weekend to investigate.

There is still a large physical gap between my wife and I and I find that hard, but I have to accept it. I regularly think about how I have hurt her and it makes me hate myself. I can't let that self hate burn me up though cos that will only trigger a downward spiral. I recognise that and I guess thats a good thing so I accept that I feel it and try to let myself feel it rather than doing my old trick of burying it.

So much to focus on and concentrate on. Although my relationship with P started this journey it seems to be turning into a much bigger thing than a battle with an addicition. Its turning into a real journey into myself and that is a bit scary. I still don't like myself at the moment and that makes looking inwards a bit sickening. I have to do it though, if i don't I will slip into my old habits. That will not happen, I will not put my wife and myself through this again. Not ever...

[needtoheal]

Day 13

Still clean...

I nearly didn't come and write anything today. Then when i thought about it, that could be the first step to a slip. I said to myself at the start i would post at least every other day so thats what I will do. I don't really have anything to say its just important that I post and take a few moments to refocus and make sure I am still on the right path.

That makes me feel a little wrapped up in myself, not sure if thats good, bad or just normal. Its important that i focus on my wife and family as well though. I still haven't found time to read muchmore here and I need to do that. Everything has to be geared to maintaining the focus that I previously have let slip. Its tiring but necessary, maybe for the rest of my life.

Look at that, nothing to say yet I have managed a couple of paragraphs. Day 13, nothing I haven't been able to handle so far, but I remain focussed and ready to deal with anything that does come my way...

[JenMac]

Hey Needtoheal!
So glad that you did choose to come here to post a few thoughts! I often find that I don't know if I have anything to say but once i get started it all just flows out.
I really believe that it is important to keep this in the forefront! Recovery happens when we work the program! By making it a regular habit, you will find you are more inclined to keep this present in your mind and hopefully not fall back into old habits so easily.
It is not being selfish to work at maintaining your recovery! It really is a balance and with time you will find that balance, to dedicate to your recovery, to your relationship and to the other daily things we need to do. It is always a work in progress around here. In the beginning Mac and I struggled to find that balance as well. We were either dealing with it frantically or not at all. It took us several months but we now deal with it consistently and continuously and find that works best for us.
I am glad to see you are discovering your triggers and realizing that things, ie magazines, that were not a problem while using can still be an issue at this point in time. That is so important that you discover these things. We have hardly watched TV since this happened, not only for worrying about the triggers for Mac but because I find myself so easily triggered as well.
I am sorry that you are finding you are not physically close with your wife at this time. I wonder if little shows of affection would be acceptable to her at this time? I know even though I was so very hurt in the beginning, I felt I needed that closeness. A gentle loving touch to show your love may be welcomed by your wife. If you are unsure, you could perhaps ask if she is open to that. I know it is different for everyone what they are willing or able to tolerate when they are experiencing this trauma.
I know that there is so much to focus on during this time NTH!
I think you have your heart in the right place!
I am wishing you well!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

needtoheal

After what Jen said, there is nothing more for me to say. she said all that I would have said, but she said it better. So all I am going to say is, that we want you to come here and write in your journal. even if you just come here and tell us, "I am still clean" that is good enough. All of us here at TTF, worry if about a person, if they havent been here to post anything. the worse always comes to our minds. We just need to know that you are doing ok.

This site, is good for your recovery. It is what get me through the day, and to help me to maintain being clean. Just come here as much as you can my friend.
I know how hard it is to keep your recovery going good, and still you need to focuses on your family. I do know that, because this is my life right now. trying to stay clean, and to focuses more on my SO, and the struggles she is going through because of my stupid actions

You seem to be doing good my friend. 13 days, wow that is such good news. please just keep it up. just keep your focuses on all the good stuff, and you will get through all of this

[needtoheal]

Day 18


Still clean....

Thanks for the messages of support. I am grateful for them especially weeks like this where I have struggled to come here and write my journal. This is how I start to lose focus, how things start to slip. I have made sure I am here today just to say 'Still clean'.

Things are improving between my wife and I, baby steps. I have found that I have been getting more stressed when I have not been here to write my journal. I am feeling really stressed at the moment. The kids are running around my wife is on the phone, it feels like I cannot get 5 minutes to write. Its times like these I want to crawl into a hole and escape. Its times like this that I crack and slip. Thats why I came here now I just need to spout a little and get it out.

I am going to make coffee now and take a breath. I am still clean, and I have stopped the slip of not writing my journal, that is a positive day. Life is getting better, but I need to give myself time to write. I am thinking about ways to deal with my stress and all the negative stuff I am holding onto. Closure for past stuff if you like.

I have decided on music therapy, I am going to start song-writing again. Going over my life identifying what has happened that still bugs me and just getting it out of my system. Letting go of the negativity is the next big step and I am not looking forwards to it, but I feel it will be beneficial and I will be better for it.

Anyway verbal diaorhea has struck again and I can't stop. I love it when that happens, I feel more relaxed already and can hear the coffee calling. Thanks, as always, for reading, everyone here helps without realising how much, I am very grateful for that...

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Day 18


Still clean....

Thanks for the messages of support. I am grateful for them especially weeks like this where I have struggled to come here and write my journal. This is how I start to lose focus, how things start to slip. I have made sure I am here today just to say 'Still clean'.

Things are improving between my wife and I, baby steps. I have found that I have been getting more stressed when I have not been here to write my journal. I am feeling really stressed at the moment. The kids are running around my wife is on the phone, it feels like I cannot get 5 minutes to write. Its times like these I want to crawl into a hole and escape. Its times like this that I crack and slip. Thats why I came here now I just need to spout a little and get it out.

I just want to say that it is good to hear 18 days. It is wonderful news my friend.
We are all here for one thing. To find a way to get this addiction out of our lives for good. we are here to support, and encourage each other with what we are going through.
I am glad that you came here today. we all need to spout, and get things out of our minds. The good thing is that we want you to do that, we are all willing to listen. we just need to do want is good for us in our recovery.
Glad thing are going good with your wife. Baby steps are so much better than no steps at all. It is the same here at home for me. lot of baby steps, but at times, no steps at all. All we can do, is to continue working on us, and at the same time, keep trying to get our relationship back with our SO's
I am so happy that you are a part of our family. Please never stop coming here to post in your journal. not only by doing so can we encourage you, but at the same time, you are a very big encouragement to all of us.

Keep up the good work in your recovery

[needtoheal]

Day 22


Still clean

Only one concern. the things i keep saying I must to to maintain focus I have not started yet. Yes i have been busy but no that is not an excuse. in order to move on i must look in. I guess I am scared of that part as I know there is going to be stuff I don't want to see. My wife and I talk about my reasons for having watched P. Talking about it in the open helps deal with it, keeps the battle in the forefront of my mind.

She says she is starting to understand. It is so much easier when I feel she is on my side. I feel like I can achieve anything. I am still feeling very positive even though I ahev had some stressful days. But I am not naive. The test will come when my wie is out for the day, when I have the day to myself and am left to my own devices.

I have a plan for that though, i will keep myself busy if I feel those old horrible urges. Although its only 3 weeks I will not take a backward step now. It has been hard to come this far and i won't undo all that...

[needtoheal]

Day 28

Still clean but journal slipping.

My wife called me on it this morning as well. She recognises as the first step in the slip, so do I. I am tired at the moment, so tired, and whilst that doesn't make me feel more like I am about to slip it does make it difficult to focus and ensure I do the things i need to do.

Thats the point, thats where the slip comes from and thats what i have to be so careful of. I have to maintain my commitment, not just to my wife but to myself. Its so easy to let something become an excuse - 'I'm too tired, I'm too busy' etc... Thats the danger I am in at the moment. When that happens the habit becomes not doing the things you need to dmo too get through. You stop following your plan, and things slide again. Thats what my wife is worried about and its what scares me.

28 days feels like so long but this fight is going to go on so much longer that it really is a drop in the ocean. I have to stay on top of this now or how will I deal with it in 2 or 3 years time? I need to start taking time each day to focus and maintain my plan. Thats the idea of the journal, thats why I am cross that I have not been journalling. Thats dangerous too though, anger can consume me if I am not careful I push it down and eats me up, I am still not sure how to deal with that...

My Journal is the way i intend to keep my focus and if i can't do that then i am letting everyone down. Fortunately my wife has called me on it (which was hard for her to do and hard to hear) but it has had the desired effect. I am here, I am refocussed and I am as determined as ever...