One day at a time - Needtoheal - PA

[needtoheal]

Thanks everyone for the messages and support, they are all greatly appreicated.

I realise I am not contributing much on other threads at the moment but I am really focussed inward on myself at the moment. I will spread out and contribute soon I just need to be in the right place. I know you will all understand.

Thanks

Needtoheal

[needtoheal]

Day 3

And still clean.

Back at work today so no opportunities to succumb to temptation. Still feeling sick inside, but that is a good thing, it helps me focus. Had images flashing through my head all day of things I used to watch, each time just tempting me to check something out. Resisted so far, I intend to continue.

My wife has been just amazing as always, she even reminded me to write my journal today. I am so very lucky. Whilst our relationship is damaged it is not unfixable and we are making small steps daily. I have read other's stories where they have lost so much more than I have. Reading those makes me more determined to kick this habit and get back to being the man I am and the husband and father I should be.

I installed parental controls on my laptop today. I just need to get my wife to set the password so I have no access. I won't lie, its embarrassing and humiliating (even though only the 2 of us know) but it is neccessary. I didn't do it before and temptation ended up being too great. Thats not going to happen this time.

Whilst I feel sick inside, and scared about failure I also feel very hopeful. That is down to my wife's support but also the support I am getting here, knowing I am not alone in my struggle.

I have started reading a book about Buddhism. I have had the book kicking around a while but never get more than a few pages in, this time will be different. It says Buddhism is not a religion more of a life path (you can be Buddhist and Christian for example). It says one of the key things to realise in life is that no-one can tell you what is right and wrong, good or bad for you. You have to make those decisions yourself. If something is right and good for you, then do it. If something is wrong and bad for you then don't do it. Sounds so simple but I am sure lots of us know how difficult that can be. Anyway I will make this statement now:

Porn is bad for me. Porn is wrong for me. I will not allow it in my life any longer...

[needtoheal]

Day 4

Still clean.

Have busied myself all day to make sure I have no time to be tempted. That hasn't stopped the images in my head though, although they are fewer now, they tend to be the same few on a cycle. I think its getting better.

I haven't really given myself time to think about anything today, that has made things easier. Had broken sleep last night and every time I woke up that voice was in the back of my head - 'go on, it will help you sleep' or 'you need to relax, just 5 minutes won't hurt'. All I did was look over at my wife and that made it so much easier to resist.

There is still a gap between my wife and I, not just physically but emotionally as well. We are working on it and will get through it, its just really hard not knowing wether she wants me to hold her, or if she needs space. But she hasn't shouted once, she hasn't thrown anything back in my face once, I am lucky.

Tomorrow is a busy day, its next week I am dreading, the evenings when I have time to myself, always the hardest to resist. I am going to make sure I am not completely alone, that will help, and when it comes to stress... well even today I have been a bit stressed and thats when the images come. Work next week could be stressful, but my wife has said all I need to do is talk with her about my day. Sounds silly but thats hard for me, I don't like pushing my problems onto others (he says as he fires off another journal entry on a web forum) but I need help coping with certain things. I now have two outlets, my wife and this site. The things I can't say to one I can say to the other. Thanks all of you for being there without even knowing me...

[JenMac]

There is still a gap between my wife and I, not just physically but emotionally as well. We are working on it and will get through it, its just really hard not knowing wether she wants me to hold her, or if she needs space. But she hasn't shouted once, she hasn't thrown anything back in my face once, I am lucky.


Hi NTH!
I know that my H was unsure in how to act towards me too. In fact, I was probably unsure about what it was I wanted/needed him to do. Conflicted feelings for sure. But I learned quickly to ask for what I felt I needed at the time. If I needed to be held, I said so. If I needed space, I said so. I think it helped both of us at that time.
Now your wife may not be able to do that at this time but you could ask her what she needs from you at this time. You could tell her that you are wanting to be there for her in whatever she feels she needs from you.
For me, as weird as it was, I needed Mac close to me. I needed him to help me with my healing. I didn't really like that feeling as it was he who had caused this trauma in our marriage but I still needed him just the same.
I don't know if your wife feels the same way NTH, but if you start the conversations, that may open up the communication that so desperately needs to happen. If she is not sharing this with anyone else, she needs an outlet of some sort. She will be feeling very alone!
Also wanted to comment on your filter and the fact that you find it embarrassing. When Mac installed the filters on our computers he did so not only for himself, but also as a way to show me his seriousness in striving for recovery. It was also something tangible that he could give me and that was so very important at that time to at least ease some of the anxiety around all of this. So not only is this good for your own peace of mind but for for hers as well.
Wishing you both strength as you move along in your recovery NTH!
Jenn

[Mac]

Hey There NTH
Welcome to TTF. I appologize for not stopping by sooner to welcome you. I haven't been here much this week.
Reading your posts so far, I get a feeling that you are being pretty honest with yourself these days and that is exactly where you need to be. I like the idea of the filter as well. Not everyone agrees with this approach but IMO it's a great thing to have in place at least until you have built a bit of resistance to your urges. I have had a filter on both my laptop and desktop right from the start and after 11 months they are still in place and i have really no thought about removing them.
I noticed were you said you didn't know whether to hug your wife or give her space. She needs both, but if you ever have any doubt in a situation, just ere on the side of the hug, you will never be wrong.
You know though NTH, this recovery thing is a huge balancing act everyday. You have to be sure to take the time for your own recovery, because without recovery for you, you can't be in the right place to support your wife or your relationship with her.
Be sure to give yourself, your wife and your relationship the attention that is required. All of this can sometimes be a little overwhelming, but just take it one day at a time and keep heading in the direction you need to. If you get headed down this road to recovery and just keep going in that same good direction, you may not know where you will end up but you can be sure it won't be where you started.
I will quit babbling on here but there is one more thing i wanted to touch on. I saw that Jenn mentioned to you about us delving into information about the industry itself. We shared some online presentations by people from within the industry and having the real facts shoved in my face was one of the biggest impacts on my recovery. This really shone a light on the type of abuses i was supporting. If you get to a point that you and your wife may want to look into this there is a huge amount of info out there.

Anyway i said i would quit babbling and i will.
Wishing you success.

Mac

[needtoheal]

Day 6

Still clean and this forum really works...

I have been very down this weekend, very down. And guess what rears its head then ... yep P. Then I came on here and read Mac and JenMac's posts, talk about reading my mind. Thank-you both for your perspective and advice I will take both to heart and use it fully.

Your posts really brought me back to a positive place and, for want of a better word, energised me. After a weekend of feeling that maybe I can't do this I now feel I can again.

My wife and I are moving slowly but always in the right direction, a small step forwards is still a step forwards. I feel tired at the moment, so tired. I feel like I am fighting this 24/7 at the moment and its only the first week. I find being busy helps me keep my mind off things.

My mind is still playing tricks on me though. Little things like lads magazines. When I am in the newsagents they are there and something in my head says 'they don't count, they aren't the same, just pick one up and have a look'. I have resisted so far and will continue to do so, it just makes me realise how P really is all around us at all times. The images in my head are stopping now though, definately not as frequent although I have been busy all day.

My wife texted me earlier to tell me that she was missing me today, that made me feel better than any amount of P ever could. Physically there is still distance between us but emotionally and spiritually he gap is closing. We lay in bed last and talked about where she was emotionally and mentally at the moment. That not only focussed me but made me feel a huge part of her life again, knowing that I am the one she still turns too.

With all this on my side I know I am strong enough. One day at a time for the rest of my life I will fight this and I will win...

[needtoheal]

Day 7

One Week Clean!!!

Wouldn't have thought that was possible 8 days ago...

Its been a good day today. My wife and I are kick-starting our lives with a new healthy eating plan. I haven't thought about P once and have felt very happy and contented all day.

Job for tomorrow, read some more of the site here. Its important I stay focused even when I am having good days like today and reading other peoples posts will help me do that. I feel in a better place now having made a week clean and hope i can share some of that positivity with others, I may even be able to help.

This really does feel like a new beginning for me. I must stay focused though. This beast is always lurking ready to pounce and tempt, and when it does I will be ready. I will resist and i will continue to be a better person...

[Phil413]

Day 7

One Week Clean!!!

Wouldn't have thought that was possible 8 days ago...

Yay! =D>

Well done!

Phil

[IN NEED OF HELP]

needtoheal
One week. =D> I always love hearing good things like this. Just keep it up. I really love the journal that you have going here, it is all from your Heart. I can see that you are so determined to beat this addiction. I am so happy that you are part of our little Family here

One week clean, and you will never know just how much you encourage us here my friend. Good stuff, Damn good stuff

[needtoheal]

Day 9

Still clean ... but only just...

Yesterday was tough, very tough. I went to the newsagent to get lunch and stopped at the magazine rack. I must have been there for 10 minutes. Now magazines aren't usually my thing, but I was stood there for ages, part of me saying reach out and take one, another part shouting it down.

I thought of my wife, my family, my journal, and all you guys here. I stuck my hands in my pockets and walked away. I felt exhausted afterwards. Kinda good too, but worried about the fact I wobbled this early. I beat it though, a small victory but I am chalking it up as a 'W' o:-)

I wonder if its like smoking, if the first one is always the hardest to say no too. Normally I haven't wobbled this early, normally its 6 months down the line and I fall straight off the wagon. I think its because I am so much more focused on it this time. Thats down to the situation and also the fact that visiting here makes me focus.

I am very glad I joined this site, everyone here has definately helped. I am still feeling a little low about the wobble, but I am trying to concentrate on the fact that i beat it. I know it won't be the last test, far from it, and that i will have these mini battles throughout the whole process, probably for the rest of my life. Each win will get easier and make me a better person, a loss doesn't bear thinking about it.

So yes its was a hard day, tiring day but I feel good about it, I feel right about it. Next time I will be more ready. The wobbles will become tremors, will become glitches, will become twitches, will become blinks, and diminish until i can beat them sub-consciously. I know I can...