PeterB's journey

[PeterB]

Hello, I'm PeterB and I'm here for recovery. In lieu of posting in the new members forum, I'm just going to start right here.

I sought out and discovered this sight last night after a binge and began reading people's stories. Mine is not much different than what I've read. I'm in my mid thirties, have been married for more than three years, and have a 13 month old daughter. I'm not sure when my desire for P and MB turned into an addiction, but I know I've been seeking it out since I can remember. The easy access the internet provides escalated it for sure. For years I've been thinking that when I hit certain life changes (losing my virginity, becoming an adult, having a stable relationship, getting married, having a child) my need for it would wane, but it has only worsened.

I've tried quitting numerous times over the years, but I never make it more than a couple of days. It has proven much harder for me than quitting smoking, which I did more than 10 years ago. My self esteem is very low. My wife is not aware of my addiction. She's aware I've used P in the past, in fact we've used it together on a couple of occasions, but as far as I know, she has no idea to what extent it has gotten (or what it was before we met). I'm not ready to confide in her about it. In part because she has he own issues and is just recently decided to go back to therapy and work thru them. She was just labeled with OCD, an Eating Disorder, Anxiety, and Depression. I realize that my issues have contributed to hers, but these are issues she had before she met me as well. At this time I've resolved to work on this on my own until I feel comfortable sharing it with her. To be fully honest, I'm completely ashamed of my PA and don't think I could look her in the face and tell her about it yet. Nor do I want her to feel the shame of knowing she's married to a PA.

I think I have a lot of things going for me that will help me through this. I have a good job, I work out, I read, spend time with friends and family, and have a few good hobbies. Journaling will be interesting for me, I haven't done it since I was a teenager.

One thing I'm going to cling to is when I was twenty years old, I spent a summer working at a summer camp as an activity director. I shared living space (a rusted out camper) with another person and had virtually no privacy. I resolved that I would refrain from all P and MB for the entire summer and I was 100% successful. I went a full 11 weeks and I remember I good I felt. I remember lying in bed and feeling so sexually healthy that I didn't even miss it. Of course I relapsed the second I went home.

My goal is to stop the P and MB completely so that I can get over my depression and get closer to my wife and my daughter. I can't describe how much I love them and how much hurt I feel when I think about my addiction and how it is affecting them. I don't feel worthy of the affection my daughter gives me and can't fully enjoy the time I spend with her because of my shame. She deserves a dad who doesn't spend his time this way and has a clear mind. My wife also deserves a husband who chooses her over digital imagery.

In any case, here I am, 1 day sober. I've purged my stash of P (except the small one my wife knows about, which I haven't touched in more than a year), cleared my computer, and resolved to stick with this and to journal here.

[PeterB]

Wow. I'm only a day sober and a few minutes into my first post, and my head is . A flood of my destructive behaviors have entered my head carrying a wave of guilt with it. I have neglected my little one to feed my addiction and I don't know if I can forgive myself that. Maybe that's why I don't want to tell my wife, because I don't think she would either, and I don't blame her. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I can't change the past, only make the future better.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

PeterB
Welcome to TTF
first I just want to say, that I am glad that you came here, for encouragement and Support. We will do all we can, to help you with your addiction. But you need to know, that you are on a long road that you are traveling on, to get rid of this addiction. But it sounds like you are ready for this journey. you have already made a few steps, to not allow yourself to give in to porn.

This addiction, is not like any other that we may deal with. It is very hard to overcome, but we can do it. We just need to take many steps, and make many changes in our life. You already know how hard it is to quit this
I just want to say a few thing, and in no way, do I want you to feel as if I am attacking you, or questioning your judgement. I am here just to help, but I do at times, just speak what is on my mind, and that is what I am doing. so please, take no offence from it.
You said
I've tried quitting numerous times over the years, but I never make it more than a couple of days. It has proven much harder for me than quitting smoking, which I did more than 10 years ago
The reason why is, that with smoking, drinking or other habits, we can stop doing theses things, because we have a choice to not go where this is being done. with porn, it is different. No matter what we do in life, No matter where we go, No matter what magazine we have in our hands, No matter what channel we have our TV on, there is always a risk of triggers there. there is always something that may lead us to want to view porn again. So this beast is always around lurking, just waiting to pounce on us at any given time. so we always need to be on guard at all times.
You said:
I think I have a lot of things going for me that will help me through this. I have a good job, I work out, I read, spend time with friends and family, and have a few good hobbies
Theses are good things to have. The more we stay busy, the more that will help us in are recovery. But having theses things are in no way going to help us through this addiction or make it easier for us. Remember, You have all theses things now, but you are still addicted to porn. But along with the things you mentioned above, we also need a good recovery plan. We need to take a good look at ourself, and see what we need to change. Once we have that recovery plan, and we have the best weapons to fight this monster off, then we will be able to get through it. So use the above things, and a good recovery plan, and you will have a much stronger ground to put up a good fight

You said:
One thing I'm going to cling to is when I was twenty years old, I spent a summer working at a summer camp as an activity director. I shared living space (a rusted out camper) with another person and had virtually no privacy. I resolved that I would refrain from all P and MB for the entire summer and I was 100% successful. I went a full 11 weeks and I remember I good I felt. I remember lying in bed and feeling so sexually healthy that I didn't even miss it. Of course I relapsed the second I went home.
This monster that we are fighting against, will attack us, when he thinks it is the right time. those 11 weeks that you had, where you didn't use porn, or MB, it was because you was not alone, so you couldn't do it. Please dont get me wrong, 11 weeks is a hell of a long time to be clean, I am almost at 12 weeks right now, and I feel great about it, but I struggled with getting to this point. What I am trying to say is this. When we act out, it is always when we are alone. that is when we do it, so we dont get caught. This monster that we are dealing with, is a smart one. he is cleaver, and very sneaky. he will attack us when we are all alone, and in a weak state of mind. So again, we need to be on guard against him.

I encourage you to keep coming here and reading others journals, and see how they are overcoming there addiction. write in your journal as much as you can, so we can see how you are doing, and we can help you.
One more thing
you said:
In any case, here I am, 1 day sober. I've purged my stash of P (except the small one my wife knows about, which I haven't touched in more than a year), cleared my computer, and resolved to stick with this and to journal here.

Why do you still need that one little stash?. Isn't that like a Alcoholic who pours out everything but One Bottle of jack Daniels, that he just wants to keep around? what do you think is going to happen if he really needs a fix?
well I said enough for now. I do wish you the best in your recovery. and remember, that you are not here alone. we will help you where we can

[PeterB]

Thank you, In Need of Help, I very much appreciate your response and your support. Everything you said is true and is helping to keep me grounded on this journey. You are correct, I don't need that stash. The reason it isn't in the trash, I guess, is because it also belongs to my wife. She doesn't use it, but it just isn't mine to throw away any more than other mutual property we have. Additionally, I don't feel tempted to use it since most of my addiction was on the internet, which I still have. I have not yet added a filter since she will notice it and I don't know how'd I'd explain that since, as you know I have chosen to wait before I share my problem with her. Sounds like I'm justifying, and I am, but that stash isn't a temptation at this time. If it is, I trust myself that the next time I touch it, it will go directly to the trash.

Thanks again.

[Phil413]

I have not yet added a filter since she will notice it and I don't know how'd I'd explain that since, as you know I have chosen to wait before I share my problem with her.

I hate to see you have to depend simply on resolve and willpower, since that rarely works for long. I wonder: would it be possible to get a new wireless router? Many of them have parental controls. You could set them when you set up the router as just a routine part of the installation. That might not arouse suspicion.

Phil

[PeterB]

Phil - I'm willing to try something as long as I don't have to confront my wife just yet. I don't use a wireless router. I'm on a Mac and my wife and I have different logins, if there's a filter that's specific to one login, that might work. I tried K9, and it doesn't seem to work that way.

I dreamt last night that something triggered me into a short relapsed, but that I caught myself. In the dream I felt bad that I began to relapse, even if it didn't go very far. I woke up glad it was only a dream.

I feel like my body is full of a toxin and my abstaining is allowing it to come to the surface and exit my body. I can tell there is a lot there and that it doesn't want to leave, but I feel like it's a step in the right direction.

[Phil413]

Phil - I'm willing to try something as long as I don't have to confront my wife just yet. I don't use a wireless router. I'm on a Mac and my wife and I have different logins, if there's a filter that's specific to one login, that might work. I tried K9, and it doesn't seem to work that way.

That's too bad. Maybe there's a filter that does work that way. That, I don't know.

I dreamt last night that something triggered me into a short relapsed, but that I caught myself. In the dream I felt bad that I began to relapse, even if it didn't go very far. I woke up glad it was only a dream.

I've had that dream. Several times, actually.

I feel like my body is full of a toxin and my abstaining is allowing it to come to the surface and exit my body. I can tell there is a lot there and that it doesn't want to leave, but I feel like it's a step in the right direction.

I think you're right. Best of luck to you!

Phil

[PeterB]

Had some frequent and random flashes of guilt today regarding keeping this from my wife. I know it's going to come out eventually, but I want to wait until I have a decent amount of sobriety behind me. Part of my guilt comes from my wife's incorrect notion that I'm this perfect person with no issues while she has none. She's brought this up a few times since I've known her, most recently when she came home from her therapy session with a laundry list of labels. She knows it's not true, two years ago I was diagnosed with depression which I treated with medication. It was successful, I mainly went off the meds because we decided to have a child. We were successful and I never went back on. In any case, I know I will tell her eventually, it's starting to seem like it will be sooner rather than later. The good news is I'm still sober and feeling strong.

[JenMac]

Hi PeterB!
Welcome to TTF!
I am an SO here along with my H Mac. We have been here at TTF for the past 10 months and we have found great support and friendship here.
Peter, there has been many a discussion on TTF regarding whether to share this secret with SOs. There is mixed thoughts on that issue. For Mac and I, it was my discovery that set this upheaval in motion in our lives. That discovery was a shocking and painful experience. Will it be any less painful if you are to tell your wife prior to discovery? Maybe not. But I would think that it would show your wife that you are serious in your desire to rid yourself of this from your life.
I would also suggest, that the PAs here whose wives or SOs know of the problem, seem to have greater success on an ongoing basis. The hurt to your partner and the threat to your marriage can be a powerful motivator for sure.
Peter, I commend you for being here of your own free will. I think that really says something about your mindset! I think that sets you on a good path to begin with. If you intend to share this with your wife as you have said, I would hate to see that be spoiled by her discovering this on her own. I think many a PA here would like to go back and change that if they could. I have heard them say that they wished they had shared this secret before the damage was done by discovery.
Whatever you decide Peter, I wish you all the best! And when you do share this with your wife, I hope you will share this site with her so she can take part in the healing journey with you. There is much to be gained here both individually and as a couple.
Take care Peter and keep coming back!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Peter
I just want to stop in and see how you are doing. I am not going to get in to it about you telling your wife or not, that is really your choice. But I do know what the right thing would be. All I will say is this, When she does find out about it, she is going to feel some pain, real pain. My SO is just torn to bits over this. I ripped her heart right out of her chest.. The pain will be there either way, but if I had it to do over again, I would chose to tell her. Now if you tell her, she will see that you are serious about getting help with this addiction, because you have already started the steps in getting help.

I am just happy my friend, that you are here with us other addicts, getting help. We will all beat this crap together.