ctb-day6

[CurseTheBeast]

Day 6 Went through some unpleasant events yesterday. DID NOT slip back to P, but a couple of promisses I had made to my beloved family were broken. First visit to a shrink, actually I went and checked into the reception. However, they came back and said that I didn't have an appointment today it was March 21....Devastated, I begged if I could just seen or was ther another doctor in the office. All no. I was shaken leaving there not only that I hadn't got the help I wanted, but that I had again disappointed my family. By the time I got back home I was a freaking mess.
Finally with my wifes & sons help I got back into an at least stable frame of mind. The second, was my planned and, once again, promissed action to attend my first SAA meeting. This one wasn't as traumatic as the first because I was with my wife & son on another help appointment that I can't go into here. So they knew why I missed the meeting. But I still felt badly that I had not started.
I am having problem seeing women for now. What had always happened casually and without thought before (i.e. admiring the sexual features), I am almost hit with an electric shock. Given the circomestances, I quitly turn away or at least divert my eyes. I guess this is part of the process, but ladies forgive me, I must seem strange. Like the one I was in an elevator an I had to turn away and more or less have my back to her. Fortunately my wife & son were with me so I guess it looked more like I was involved with them.
Finally, and most importantly, I did not slip. But I am having what I suppose you might call withdrawals symtoms mixed in with a heavy dose of guilt. So it was and is a rollercoaster ride, the lows being very low and while there are ups, they are not nearly as "good" as how "bad" the lows are. Today I have another shrink visit, I hope it goes well.
And most importantly thank God and my family for their efforts even though it is hard on them to get me help.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

CurseTheBeast

Wow glad to see that you already started your journal. It was just last night that I replied to your other post. Unless I read it wrong, I dont know where you felt that you broke a promise to you Wife.
Here is why I say this.
You said:
First visit to a shrink, actually I went and checked into the reception. However, they came back and said that I didn't have an appointment today it was March 21....Devastated, I begged if I could just seen or was ther another doctor in the office. All no. I was shaken leaving there not only that I hadn't got the help I wanted, but that I had again disappointed my family.

It is not like you said you had an appointment, and then you didn't show up. you made an appointment, but something happened that happens to everyone at times, You just got the month wrong. so no promise was broken, You made the effort, but it was just the wrong time.

You said:
The second, was my planned and, once again, promissed action to attend my first SAA meeting. This one wasn't as traumatic as the first because I was with my wife & son on another help appointment that I can't go into here. So they knew why I missed the meeting. But I still felt badly that I had not started.

You wanted to go, and you had planned to go, but, you was with your family at the time you were to be at the meeting. And it isn't like they can go in there with you, that just wont be a good I deal.

With that said, You go to the meeting. I have been going to SAA for a while now, and I feel that is the best thing I have decided to do in my recovery. I just can not even think that I will ever stop going. The love, respect, support, encouragement that you get from them, is wonderful. I am a very strong believer in SAA.
So I dont think that you need to feel bad in anyway, because you wanted to go to theses places, but it just didn't work out. Dont be so hard on yourself if things dont work out when you want them to, this is part of the recovery.

You said:
I am having problem seeing women for now. What had always happened casually and without thought before (i.e. admiring the sexual features), I am almost hit with an electric shock. Given the circomestances, I quitly turn away or at least divert my eyes. I guess this is part of the process, but ladies forgive me, I must seem strange. Like the one I was in an elevator an I had to turn away and more or less have my back to her.
The best thing that you could have done, was to look away. Part of our recovery in this, is that we need to see in ourself, what we are doing wrong. and if you were to just stand there and look at this woman, then the thoughts that can mess you up from staying clean, will go to your head, and then right to your Heart. Once it gets in your heart, you are thinking all kinds of things about this woman.
But you said that you had your family with you also, so that made it easy to just look away from this woman.
But I need to ask you something, What would you have done, if you were by yourself? Would you have turned away, or would you have just try to see all you can on this woman, and allow thoughts about her to come to your head?
I still have this problem also, when I see a woman, I will at times undress them in my mind. and I will allow myself to wonder just how nice it would be with them for just one nite. I am going much better with this, but I do need a lot more work in this area of my recovery.

To end this, I just want to give you a round of =D> for not slipping, and still being clean
I wish you the very best in your recovery my friend. Just do what you feel you need to do, to beast this damn beast

[CurseTheBeast]

Thank you INOH! Your words are very encouraging. And you are so right about the points you made.
On the last point, I have been in an elevator by myself and other women. I can recall looking towards the wall or turning my head and even closing my eyes.
I haven't posted to my journal yet today. It will be short and the bottom line is that I survived one more day.
Once again TY for your words of encouragement. I somehow wish that I could do the same for every soul that has found the need to come here and post.
And as always....I Curse The Beast.

[CurseTheBeast]

I think I have been counting the days wrong. So yesterdays post was in reality day 5. I was looking at it as the day that I was writing and not the actual day I was talking about. Did that make sense? So I hope I'm back in sync.
So in that light, here is my post for day 6 (yesterday).

Day 6....I had a very difficult day yesterday....so am in a very depressed and agitated state....Have not slept all night and finding eating to be difficult. The only few good things were I didn't slip and my families support. I have to put on my full armor both to fight P and to fight to get my mind healed.