And so it is....just like they said it should be

[CJnOhio]

And so it is...my TTF recovery journal. I've been journaling on another site the last week or so, and have made some great contacts there. This Forum seems a little more active though, so I thought I'd journal here too. My other journal is at Support Board • View topic - And so it begins....

It has been 18 days since I last gave into porn. Eighteen days isn't that much, but I so hope and pray that it turns into 20, 30, 100, 250....a lifetime.

I don't know if I can save my marriage, but it is all I want to do in this world. I ask God everyday to help me with that. But I also know if iI have a shot at the life she deserves, and the life I want, I have to do this...for real, no more going through the motions living detached from life. No more pretending to myself that I don't have a serious addiction.

I tried to quit before. I can't tell you my longest stretch of going porn free...I never really counted the days. I always just drifted back to it. After doing it, not getting caught, it just became way too acceptable for me. It became too easy to do. Stupid thing is, I never blamed porn on any of my problems. I never blamed me. I always looked at other people. The truth is all of this is my fault. I'm the reason my marriage fell apart. I sucked the passion, love, tenderness of my wife right out of her. She is the most beautiful and caring person in the world. I love her with all my heart...yet I did it anyway. It isn't something I wanted to do...it just happened, and I let it.

So now it's been almost three weeks since she left. She's got a new place, had the furniture moved out, she'll barely talk to me. Won't acknowledge emails. I've seen her twice...once in a counseling session last week. Maybe I should be mad...angry. I'm not. I'm just sad and in pain. I love my wife...and I will do anything to win her back.

I HATE THIS ADDICTION!!! I hate who I've become.

I tried accountability software - but got around it. I've tried face-2-face accountability - but we all know how well addicts can lie!

I'm sick of this addiction. I'm sick how it has controlled my life. I'm sick of being a willing participant in its destruction. I have two younger boys...God I don't want them to face the same pain and humiliation that I live everyday. I'm supposed to be a role-model. I've been nothing short of a disaster when it has come to that role. I have to master my sobriety. The rest of my life starts now.

If you read this, and you believe in God, then please pray for me. I need all the help I can get.

[JenMac]

HI CJ!
Welcome to TTF!
I am sorry you find yourself in this difficult place and that your relationship is suffering so much because of it.
TTF is a wonderful support group and you will find much support here from people who have experienced exactly what you are going through.
I see that you are not on good terms right now with your wife but wanted to suggest that you tell her about TTF. She could benefit from support here as well as we have a very strong group of SOs here who would be willing to offer her much in her time of need. She needs healing as well. There are also a number of couples here who have worked through this together.
My H, Mac and I have been here since April and we have been blessed with the support and friendship of many members here. I don't know where we would be without it, as we have chosen not to share this in our real lives.
I am glad you are here CJ! I wish you well.
Jenn

[CJnOhio]

And so it is....starting day 19. I know I'm about to get ambushed by the beast.... Yesterday, the last week, the last three weeks of my life have been Hell. If I feel this much pain, I can't imagine how I've made my wife feel over the last few years. I'm getting discouraged. My fight with p and mb has been a success so far, but, I just don't see anything positive happening. My wife, moved out, won't talk to me, won't even acknowledge me. I haven't seen my stepson in over 3 weeks. I've made progress...I have a plan and I'm sticking to it and revising it. But who knows? Me, God....and the anonymous, but great support, from others like me here on the internet. Where is this leading? Am I going to fix myself, yet walk alone...thoughts brewing in my head.

I know these next few days are going to be a challenge. I think more about p and mb, and hear the beast inside me say what is the big deal. I live alone now, except when my two boys from my first marriage are in my custody. If ever in my life I could slip into a world of p and mb it would be now. I have no accountability, except to God and myself....and that didn't work before when I tried to quit.

Things aren't going good at all with my wife. It breaks my heart. It is discouraging. It leaves me vulnerable to the beast. These next few days are going to be a huge test. I can just feel it.

[Winston811]

Hi CJ,

I hear you say that there is nothing positive going on in your life. I beg to differ. You have been nearly 3 week p and mb free. I think thats hugely positive. You are going through a really hard time right now, but no one said it would be easy.

Try really hard to focus on the positive. When you are in a negative state it is really hard to see any thing good around, but the more you try to the find the good, the more you see, and less negative things seem. If you know what I mean.

Keep working hard, and the benefits will pay off. Its a really hard battle, but it can be won.

I have been p free for 17 days now, and although I`m doing ok, its really hard to watch the damage it has done everyday, and although thats really hard it helps to remind me why its so important to stop.

I will be reading your profile, and watching your progress.

You will beat this thing if you truly want too.

Laters,

W.

[CJnOhio]

Today came and went. No p, no mb....just sorrow. I kept busy today at work, then took a half day off and went to a car show. Lots of beautiful women around...but I was strong. No second glances, no lusting, no flirting. It felt good. I know one thing though....I can afford a new car. Holy cow, they are not cheap.

Anyway, today was a good day I guess. I exchanged a few emails with my wife...yes she finally wrote me back. She is all cold, business like, but I don't care. It was just great to exchange a few words with the woman I love so dearly.

Another dollar goes in the jar. Day 19 complete.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Lots of beautiful women around...but I was strong. No second glances, no lusting, no flirting. It felt good. I know one thing though....I can afford a new car. Holy cow, they are not cheap.
Anyway, today was a good day I guess. I exchanged a few emails with my wife...yes she finally wrote me back. She is all cold, business like, but I don't care. It was just great to exchange a few words with the woman I love so dearly.

Another dollar goes in the jar. Day 19 complete.

This is when it is the hardest. this is when, all of the changes we are trying to make, confronts us to see if we are doing it right.
Sure sounds like you did good at the car show. Fight the urges to look, to give in, and you always come out a winner.

I am happy that you got to hear from your wife. Dont pressure her, give her the space that she needs. She just may waiting to see if you can become a new man.

Good luck to you my friend

[CJnOhio]

Day 20 came and went. Not much to report today. Felt more normal, not as much sorrow. Still very numb though. Long weekend ahead of me. Lots of soul searching, reflecting ahead of me. No p, no mb. Another dollar in the jar.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

=D> Day 20. Love hearing good stuff. Damn, with all of those dollars, you can take all of us here at TTF to dinner soon.

I will take steak and Lobster

[CJnOhio]

I've been up since, maybe 230 am. I can't sleep. I have lots of thoughts going through my head now....mostly, I just think I lead a life of contradictions now.

I have the house to myself this weekend. My two boys are with my first wife. It's been over three weeks since my current wife, moved out and left me.

The old me would have relished the "alone" time. The computer would be humming along with my binges of p and mb. A whole weekend alone, what could be better than that for an addict? The contradiction is when my wife still lived here, and the house was full with my kids and my stepson, I often wished for, dreamed about having alone time. Now that it is a reality, I hate it.

Scary thing is, I could watch p and mb for as long as wanted to this weekend...nobody would know. I have the time and the privacy. Just thinking about that makes me sick to my stomach.

So here I start day 21, a little earlier than I'd like. I'm lonely, a little depressed, and I know that this weekend is going to be a battle. However, I hate what this addiction has done to me. Its ruined my life, destroyed my marriage, and tore the heart out of my wife. This pain and remorse is motivation enough to make it one more day sober.

[CJnOhio]

and so it is, Day 22......not sure what to say really. Have done a lot yesterday and today mending my relationship with God. I feel accomplishment in having gone 21 days w/o p or mb. And am glad that I've brought Christianity back into my life. I'm a little scared though. I still don't feel worthy, and am very humiliated and sorry for the destruction I've caused. Living this way is a lot harder than just escaping into p and mb, but I know the damage it has caused in my live, and the lives of the two women I loved dearly...my ex wife, and my current wife.

Went to an all day event yesterday for work, and spent last night eating and drinking with two very good friends that I don't get to see a lot of now. We went to a "Hooters"-type restaurant/bar. Not a strip-club type of place at all, but none-the-less the waitresses were scantily dressed. I have to admit though, even though they were all very attractive, I've found I have a very different outlook towards women now than I ever did before. I much healthier relationship. I never once found myself lusting, ogling, making rude comments ref. them. In that regard, I like the "new" me. I'm not a dog anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy beauty, but I know the real beauty of a woman resides in her heart, soul, and grace. I miss this inner beauty of my wife though....that part makes me really sad and upset with myself. That part, is the most unbearable. Destroying these relationships (with wife and ex-wife) is what I will regret the most, for the rest of my life.

So the journey continues today...I have the afternoon to myself. Might just be lazy today. I know if the beast starts to creep up on me though, I'm going to come to this board.....or go for a run. The fight against the beast is never over.