Jeff's Journal: A New Beginning

[jeffinjapan]

Day 2.

As I enter day 2 of my recovery, I want to reflect on how I got to the point of where I am today.

I can still remember my first time doing mb. I was 12. After my first time I was scared, but after the second time, I had found a new friend; one that would be with me for years and years.

For me p and mb were things that lead to wanting s*x more and more. At 19 I experienced s*x with a married person. This is where I started down a road that involved the ‘lifestyle’.

I never thought about the woman’s feelings when it came to s*x. It was all about my own need for pleasure.

The internet is bad in that it is a place with endless and free p, but without the internet I would have never found this group.

Any words of wisdom or encouragement are welcome. asI am just starting my recovery . Peace.

[mell]

Hello Jeff and welcome to TTF,

Please take some time and check out the articles and references sections of the site. There is a lot of useful info there. I would also advise you to read some of the journals here - the PAs who are working their recovery and the SOs for their side of the story. These can be very enlightening.

Best wishes to you, hope to see you around.

[jeffinjapan]

Day 3

Today was a bit of a challenge to get through. I started thinking about an upcoming 'lifestyles' party that is planned for this Sunday. Thinking about this made me want to get on the computer and look at p. After only three days I was ready to give in, but I have not. I have two choices for Sunday, go to the party or spend the day with my daughter. The choice seems pretty easy, but in the past it was not so easy. Many times I would lie to my family and tell them I was going to see friends, only to go to one of the parties.

I don't want to have to start over again. I have told myself so many times, that I would never do things like p, mb and parties again, but I always ended up doing the things that I now know bring nothing but misery. The temptation is still great, but I am really trying to make it through today. It sounds so cliche, but I have to take this one day at a time.

Day 3 is almost in the books. Bring on Day 4. Peace.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I don't want to have to start over again. I have told myself so many times, that I would never do things like p, mb and parties again, but I always ended up doing the things that I now know bring nothing but misery. The temptation is still great, but I am really trying to make it through today. It sounds so cliche, but I have to take this one day at a time.Day 3 is almost in the books. Bring on Day 4. Peace.

No one ever said this addiction was easy to get rid of. You are right, We just need to do this one day at a time. There are many times, when a lot of us said, no more P, no more MB, but we just turned around and did it again. But as we get further along in our recovery, it will get a little easier to do.
In order for this recovery to go good, we need to fight this all the time, because we are always around something that can trigger us so fast.

The main thing that we really need to do, is to recondition our HEART, and our MIND. We can not allow even tiny thought about wanting to view Porn to come in our minds, if we do, they can grow, and then there we are, slipping away

I just wish you the best in your recovery. Keep fighting this Monster

[jeffinjapan]

Day 6

Today was a bit of a struggle. I started thinking about the 'lifestyle' party that is taking place tomorrow. I know that if I can get past tomorrow, it will be a big victory.

I have also been thinking about the feeling that would always come after doing mb. I would never even have the slightest urge to do mb or look at porn at least for a while. I want to be able to feel like that all the time.

I really feel that there is a chemical imbalance at issue. Once that act of mb has been completed, there was a lull. It is as if the chemicals that brought on the high were released once the act of mb was completed. I really wish that feeling after mb, where I was not even the slight bit interested in anything s*xual could be something I could experience all the time.

Controlling this beast is difficult, but I know that I am not alone. Peace.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Jeff

I just wanted to stop in and say good job on day 6. I am glad that you made it another day, and I really hope you get past tomorrow. I was trying to figure out what you was talking about when you brought up lifestyle party. My friend, if it is what I goggled, well it is none of my business, but I think you should pass that one up. In your last post you said you had two choices for Sunday. The party, or spending time with your daughter. I hope you and your daughter have a fun day. that will be a much better way to spend your day. Like I said, it is not my business, but for your recovery to keep going good, you always need to make the right choice in it.
Well my friend, I just wanted to see how you are doing, I hope you are having a good today, and I hope for a better tomorrow.
Take care, and keep up the good work in your recovery

[jeffinjapan]

I haven't been on the site for a while. I had a let down last weekend. I looked at p and did mb on Sat and Sun. I let myself down.

Today is day 5 of not looking at p or doing mb (Part II). This sequel will be better than the original. Before I could not go a day without one or the other. But now I have gone 5 days twice. I know it should be 12 days now, but it is not. Part II will hopefully be a long, long story with no ending.

Jeff

[jeffinjapan]

Two weeks now since the last time I looked at p and did mb.

Feeling stronger everyday, but there are occasions when I feel tempted. For me, one of the great things is that for each day that passes by without p or mb, I feel a sense that I have come further than I have ever had in the past and this helps me to not want to give in.

I pray for all of you so that you can find strength to overcome any temptation that may come your way.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Two weeks now since the last time I looked at p and did mb.

Feeling stronger everyday, but there are occasions when I feel tempted. For me, one of the great things is that for each day that passes by without p or mb, I feel a sense that I have come further than I have ever had in the past and this helps me to not want to give in.

I pray for all of you so that you can find strength to overcome any temptation that may come your way.

Jeff, glad to see that you are still going strong. there will be many times that we feel tempted. this can go one for a while. The important thing, is how we handle the temptations, that come along. You are donging good in your recovery, but never get relaxed, thinking you can slow down on your recovery. when you get these temptation, please come here and read journals, get your mind cleared of this temptation.
I just want to see you clean from this addiction. we are all here cheering you on. Always work your recovery plan.

Good luck to you