Jon Doe's Journal

[Jon Doe 109]

It seems starting a journal has helped a lot of people with recovery. This is a great forum, glad to have found it. Been off and on with PA since I was around 15, never really thought of it as a problem until recently (30 years later). Although I'm outwardly nice and polite, I started to objectify women in my mind. This was a wake up call - I need to quit all P in order to restore my original, natural outlook and social balance. I've only 3 days without it but things are going well. My wife and I are getting along great (we usually do, but for the last 3 days it's been even better). I guess quitting P and MB helps your love live ;) Anyway, I've had other addictions (drugs) long ago which I overcame and so I'm hopeful I can kick this one as well. I'm not a religious man - I believe in group support, being responsible for ones actions and tolerance. Thanks for the opportunity to share. Jon

[spartan]

Hi Jon Doe,
Well done on making it to day 3! Just thought I'd post as your feelings of how you objectify women are like the feelings I am having as well...
Great to hear that after just 3 days you have noticed an improvement with your wife... keep it up!!

[Remi]

Jon,
No doubt that keeping this journal will be very helpful for you. I haven't been on this site long but have received a huge amount of support from the wonderful members here. Its nice to hear the past 3 days have been better for you and your wife. Imagine what a week, month or year would feel like ;)

Welcome to the TTF community, I hope you get everything you want out of it.

Remi

[Jon Doe 109]

Remi, Spartan, thanks for the comments. I'm encouraged by your responses. Yeah, 1 year would be an amazing perspective, one I hope to have soon ;) Amazing how much closer my wife and I have been, it's really noticeable, we've been hanging out a lot more and talking and I have much more empathy and compassion for her personal struggles. I'm really encouraged by this and feel like it points towards me making the right choice to quit P and MB. To be clear, I personally have no moral problem with MB just that for me, in order to quit P I really have to tackle both since I've habitually connected the two for so long. Without P I don't seem to need to MB, at least not yet, granted, it's only been 4 days... lol. You know how far gone you are when 4 days without P or MB seems like some monumental feat. Sigh.. :)

[Jon Doe 109]

5 Days now... I think this journal is helping even if I'm writting mainly to myself. Yesterday was the hardest day so far but I made it through and, as a result, had a great morning hang with my wife. I had the energy and focus to listen, talk and enjoy her company. What a differance, usually I'm tired and need more sleep from MB the night before. This is a real positive change for me and in a short time. I hope I have the strenght to maintain this new habit... Reading some other peoples journals has been helpful as well. It reminds me of NA or AA which I went to long ago to overcome a nasty drug addiction. I've since stopped going but have never gone back to using. Just the memory of meetings is like emotional leverage to stay clean. Anyway, reading peoples journals here seems to have a similar effect. I feel that sxual energy raising and I read some journals and that energy turns into commitment to change....

[JenMac]

HI Jon Doe!
Welcome to TTF!
I am glad to see that you are experiencing some positives so early on in your recovery. That can indeed spur you on when times get tough.
Journalling is a great way to organize your thoughts and having TTF will help you feel less alone in your struggles. There are many committed PAs here at TTF who can support you as you move ahead. Also reading SO journals can open your eyes to what we experience in relation to our H's addiction.
Not sure if your wife is aware of your problems but if so, she may benefit from joining us here as well. My H, Mac and I have been members since April and TTF has played a huge role in our healing.
Wishing you all the best Jon!
Keep going strong!
Jenn

[Jon Doe 109]

JenMac, thanks for your reply, I appreciate it! Yes, this forum is great, it's given me an amazing amount of resolve. To answere your question. My wife does not no I'm trying to quit P and MB. She not a fan of P but has never had a problem with me looking at it. Our marriage has been great for 12 years, no real problems. I'm doing this because I know it's the right thing to do. I'll tell her when I've got 100 days clean. I want to have a good start before I tell her the good news ;)
We're both very supportive and honest with each other... my habit was never a secret, I was open, "I'm going to JO to some pictures", or we'd make love if she was not too tired from work etc. The thing is, is that I don't like what PA is doing to my mental state. It's making me objectify complete strangers and I don't like it. I want to see other people as people not 'hot' or 'sexy'. I think appreciating beauty is fine, but I don't have a healthy perspective on that right now. Again, thanks for your reply, it's very encouraging to have help from so many reformed PAs! There is hope for me yet.
Day 6 completed.. so far so good. Plus the marriage relationship is better than ever. More talking laughing and hanging out than usual over the last week. I know this is going to be hard at times but so far it's clearly the right choice.
Jon

[still_trying94]

Hi Jon. Great journal and welcome to TTF. Glad your feeling that closeness with your wife. I feel the same way when I'm in a good run. When I'm in the middle of a bender, I don't even kiss my wife when I get home form work some days. Its terrible. Don't know if you have any kids, but we have 3. They are great, but also a drain. When I'm in a rut of P & MB, I'm am much shorter on patience. I love when I'm active on TTF and really working my recovery. It really is a good feeling and the positivity goes through everything I do.

I get caught up in the consecutive days a lot. It used to really get me down to see my counter go back to zero. The last couple of months I've started thinking differently. If I go 6 days with no P and then fail. And then go 7 days with no P and then fail, that used to really discourage me. Now I look at it like this: 13 out of the last 15 days have been P-free. That keeps my positivity up and helps me keep starting over again.

Keep up the good work Jon. Hope to see a lot of you on here.

[Jon Doe 109]

Still - thanks for the comment. Congratulations on kids! That's fantastic. My wife and I don't have any - not sure if we will, although I'd like to try. Your comment about patience really hit home. That's something I've really noticed this last week... lots more patience, especially with my wife. And more honest interest in her stories, thoughts and struggles.
I've got one more day clean... things are going well...
Jon

[Remi]

Hi Jon, I commend you on wanting to stop this addiction. It seems your wife has a very passive standpoint on your p use, and if shes happy with that then great. But whats even better is that you want to change regardless. You've come to the realization yourself that it must go and have started working on this. Both you and your wife will be winners, a wonderful thing. Well done!