Taking each day as it comes

[likeafish34]

I like the idea of keeping a journal.
Maybe it will just be an outlet, or maybe it will be a way of letting me see how I feel and what's happening around me when I fail to stay away from porn. Yes, that does mean that I expect to fail. I like the old joke: "giving up porn is easy, I've done it loads of times before".

Anyway its mid morning hear in the UK. I don't feel too bad today. Not too much anxiety (its always there in the background). Just a bit bored. I've got things to do today, so I should at least be busy until this evening. That's the hard time, when everybody else has gone to bed and I'm on my own. Too late to go out, too tired to do anything constructive, but easy to slip into porn.

Simon

[mell]

Simon,

Welcome to TTF. Glad to see you starting a journal. You will get a lot of support here.

I would suggest you look into changing your habits / routines. Try going to bed earlier to avoid the alone time. Learn your triggers (consider the acronym HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired), and find ways to avoid them.

Failures (relapses) may happen, but as long as you learn from them and grow in your recovery, you can get there.

Wishing you the best in your recovery.

[likeafish34]

Day 2

I managed to control myself last night and didn't access porn, even though I had ample opportunity.

I should be happy about that, but right now I just feel a bit flat. In fact I feel like I'm slipping into depression. That's one of the main reasons why I'm drawn to porn: its such a strong diversion from other mental health issues. I can submerse myself in porn for hours and all of my other cares are just fade away. Unfortunately when I'm not doing porn I have all the day to day worries plus the immense guilt from doing porn.

Anyway its mid afternoon. I'm on my own again for an hour or so. I have at least managed to keep control and not access porn, but I don't feel much like doing anything else.

I wonder if I'll manage to keep control for the rest of the day.

Simon

[likeafish34]

It's late evening now. The rest of the family went to bed about an hour and a half ago. I've managed to stay away from porn, but it is really hard. I must find something else to fill the time. I made myself busy with pretty pointless activities (loading new music onto my iPod). There's only so much time that I can spend doing that sort of thing. I just realised that I've eaten loads this evening. Better watch that I don't replace porn addiction with overeating. Actually being fat is probably more socially acceptable than being a porn addict. (I'm sorry if any of you are struggling with weight. I don't mean to belittle the problem).

Simon

[likeafish34]

Day 3

Still porn free. Had an incredibly stressful day at work, but I've not come home and gone straight to the porn. That's a result.

I accidentally stumbled across a porn file on my PC late last night. Although I saw it, I'm still counting myself as porn free because rather than getting excited and spending time looking at it, my reaction was to get out quickly and delete it. The effect was surprise and fright, rather than arousal. Anyway at least it was me who stumbled across it and not another member of my family!

I'm on my own now for a couple of hours. Hmmmm. What shall I do? Anything but porn! We'll see if I can make it through the evening.

Simon

[IN NEED OF HELP]

likeafish34

Glad to see that you are on day three. all we can do, is to continue in this battle. I know that it was hard on you when you ran into the stuff on your computer. We really need to make sure that all we had on the computer is gone. we can not take even a small chance, that there is still something there. It would be so much better in your recovery, if you make sure that ALL of it is gone NOW. if you find it, do not be tempted even in the least, to look at it, just click delete. This can prove to be the best thing to do. We dont want any of that crap to show up when we are doing good in our recovery, but we are in a week stage of it. It will destroy us if it shows up later down the road.

I just wish the best to you in your recovery.

Please reword what you said:
I'm on my own now for a couple of hours. Hmmmm. What shall I do? Anything but porn! We'll see if I can make it through the evening.
Instead, why dont you say I know that I will make it through the evening.
Start thinking in a positive way my friend

[likeafish34]

It has been suggested by another member that I should write down the pros and cons of doing porn.

Pros
Strong physical pleasurable effect (big brain chemical effect I think)
Taking my mind off all of my other worries (I've got Generalised Anxiety)

Cons
Self loathing
Risk of divorce
Risk of my children refusing to speak to me
Potential emotional upset for my family (if they found out)
Sleep deprivation having multiple effects including: risk of loosing my job (it played a part in me loosing my last job), risk of having a car accident (there was a case a couple of years ago in the UK where a guy caused a train crash by driving onto the rails after a late night of porn); increased depression (well documented link between sleep deprivation and depression); being incapable of getting on with and enjoying daytime activities.

Well that will do for starters. Clearly there are many more cons than pros, but the two pros have very strong effects. Its hard to live without them.

[likeafish34]

Day 4

I'm definitely feeling better about myself. It's only day 4, but this is the longest that I've gone porn free for years (other than when I've been away from home and unable to access it).

I'm still finding it hard. Very hard. Today is Tuesday and that's the evening when my wife is out until about midnight. I always come home and get on the Internet and start accessing porn.

Fortunately a new book arrived from Amazon today. That should keep me occupied for a while.

I'm also going to take a look around the forums (or is it fora) and see what information I can find. I particularly keen to see some information about the harm that porn does to the people involved in producing it. I tend to fool myself that it doesn't really harm them, but if I can see evidence of the harm then I think I'll be less likely to use it. I'm quite nice really LOL. I don't like the idea of harming anybody.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

likeafish34
=D> on day 4. That is one day closer to recovery. If this is the longest that you ever been free of it, then you will hit a milestone if you go 5 days. I remember when I first got here and started my recovery. When I saw that I went 2 days without using, I was so shocked in how good I was doing. I spent hours per day looking at it. I am happy that you made it another day.

So tonight when your wife is gone, click here like you said. do your research that you want to do. If you find yourself on the net, looking for information on things, be careful, once you type in the Porn word, you never know what will pop up. Just keep taking this one day at a time, and you will do great.
I will check in with you tomorrow. Have a porn free nite tonite

[likeafish34]

Day 5

Thanks In Need of Help. Getting encouragement from other members is really helping me stick at it.

Today I have been feeling great. I didn't realise how much doing porn was affecting the rest of my life. My anxiety level is a bit reduced and when I wake up my heart doesn't feel as heavy. I'd still say I'm suffering from generalised anxiety disorder and I am still a bit depressed, but I realise now how much worse my addiction was making me feel.

Earlier today, I was feeling so positive about my recovery. Really beginning to think that I can succeed. Now its 10:45 and the rest of the family has gone to bed. I'm not quite so positive. Temptation is niggling away at me, but fortunately I'm managing to keep control.

In Need of Help, you're right in saying that I should be careful about research. It's very easy to stumble over porn. In fact there was a programme on the television the other night called something like "Women and sex addiction". I was a little wary about viewing it, but I did. What I saw was a very attractive woman in the early 30's dressed provocatively taking about her sex life. It was clearly aimed at tittilating rather than educating people about the problems of addiction. As soon as I worked that out (about 30 seconds) I switched over. That's a change for me.

Anyway, I'm still here and confident that I won't access porn tonight.

Simon