Winston`s Journal

[Winston811]

I guess a good place to start would be right back to the beginning.

Like many people growing in the great information age my first encounters with porn were during my adolesance. I was going through some difficulties in my life - family stuff, and I guess I used it has a place to find refuge, a bit of escapism so to speak.

Never really gave it much thought. I mean, I kind of just felt that this was normal and since I wasnt doing anyone any harm I felt it was ok.

Perhaps at the beggining it was ok, but as time went on it started to become more of a habit, or a compulsion. Again I didnt pay much attention to this as I was unable to see the negative consequences of my actions.

I few years ago, however, my life changed significantly. You could say (well I do anyway) that I hit the jackpot. I met this most amazing woman, who loves me, supports me, stands by me, and has proven will do anything for me.

My PA had other ideas though. I kept doing it. Only now I needed to hide it - as I was embarrassed, and did not want to hurt my SO. I did hide it, though, not for very long as I got caught. Needless to say, my SO was devastated. She was devastated by the fact I was using P, but doubly by the fact I had lied about it - I broke her trust.

She forgave me. Her only condition was that I must not lie about it as this was the worst thing. I promised I would not do it, and that if I did I would be honest if she asked.

I did it again, and I lied, well I think you know the rest of the cycle.

This happened a number of times, and I was starting to realise that this was a far greater issue than I had previously thought. I found it really hard to stop, almost impossible not to lie about it. I have hurt the most important person in my life in a devastating manner. I had hit rock bottom.

Well the view from down here is not great, I dont like being at the bottom. I must change. I must take drastic measures to ensure I dont do this anymore. I need to ensure I employee more tactis than sheer will power, because that is not enough for me. I need a plan of action, I need a place to share my thoughts.

I guess thats why you find me here.

5 days clean today, getting through day 6, and am really looking forward to taking on day 7.

Winston

[Phil413]

I'm glad you're here, Winston, but sorry that you need to be. Your story is very familiar.

Congratulations on making it almost a week so far. =D>

Phil

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Winston811

Glad to see that you got your journal going. This is good that you did, that way we can follow your progress. It is all about Helping, Supporting, and Encouraging each other around here. It was a very good story that you shared with us. It seems like most of the stories that we read form PA's are all the same. Though some of us are going through different things, all of the stories seem to have the very same ending, that is, THAT WE DESTROYED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON THIS EARTH. One would never think that just by wanting a little Porn in our life, would have such Devastating affects on our SO"s. But the thing is, If we was still viewing porn, and we read somewhere that peoples relationships were destroyed by porn, we would probably keep on looking. How many of us have said that WE ARE TO SMART TO GET CAUGHT, I think we all have. And look where all this crap have gotten us. We are now living a life, knowing that we are a addict, trying to get rid of this crap from our life, trying to feel better about ourself, But in the mean time, We are also watching our SO"s trying to figure out what is wrong with them, Wondering why they are not good enough for us, And what did they do wrong, for us to want to turn to porn. The things us men do to the women we love. Now we are just hoping that they stick this out with us.

So we all need to make changes, many changes in our lives. It will not be easy, but I know that we can do it. All we need is the best game plan possible to beat this thing. And we can never allow our defenses to drop, because we need to fight this, and not allow it to win again

Good luck to you my friend. I will continue to check in to see how you are doing. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

[Winston811]

Well , so far so good I guess. I have managed to make it 8 days. I`m really happy about that, and I`m feeling strong in my resolve.

Every now and then I think about it and and I have to pull my mind away from it. Its good that i`m not letting myself get triggered, but it really hurts to know that i have too. So for that I`m feeling a bit depressed.

My SO invited me back from the spare room. This has really made me very happy.

I just have to keep on marching............

[Dominus]

Hi Winston

Depression seems to be part of it in the early days. As weeks turn to months things pick up, but don't expect an easy ride, the porn won't easy relinquish its hold on you. Those habits youare now starting to form, mentally rejecting the thoughts, these habits will stand you in good stead in the months ahead.

Keep going my friend. If it helps I am having a dreadful week myself.

Cheers

Dom

[Winston811]

You are right Dominus. I`m trying to use the depression, as something to remind me that I need to keep trying. Its reminds me of how important it is that I kick this thing.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. It nevers makes me glad that someone else is struggling, but I guess there is safety in numbers.

Winston

[Winston811]

I havent been here for a few days so I thought I would give a run down of my week so far.

Monday was pretty good, I managed to keep myself really busy with work, and came home and spent some quality time with my SO. I was invited back from the spare room Sunday night, so I was feeling good on Monday.

Tuesday was hard. I was scheduled on for a night shift on Tuesday. It was the first time in a while I woke up in the master bedroom with my SO having gone to work already. It felt as if things had gone back to normal - I mean stuck in the PA normal. It was hard to take my mind away from the temptation. I got up quickly and tried to keep myself busy. Had a driving lesson, that helped take my mind off it. Came home and spent some time on TTF, reading through the forums really is a huge help for me.

Wednesday was ok. Tons of work to do - never thought I would like work so much.

Thursday so far is ok. I did however want to use the internet (to go on TTF), and was very frustrated that my connection did not work. That p*** me off a bit, but its working now so I guess I will forgive it.

I have manged to go 10 days without any slip ups, so I`m really proud, although I`m still really trying to keep my focus as I have a long way to go.

Winston

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Winston811
=D> 10 Days, that is great.

I am glad to hear that you are doing good, and still fighting this. Sometimes I feel it would just be easier to just say screw it, and go back to my old ways. I say this, because this addiction is so damn tough to beat. But when you have a few goods in of being free from it, We feel real good.I guess we feel better than we have in a long time. So we just keep fighting, so the feeling gets so much better. I am glad that you was able to get out of the spare room. God knows how many times I had to sleep in ours. I hate it.

I hope that you continue to do good. This is a long hard battle that we are in, but if, ok not if, When we make it to the end, there will be many great reward waiting for us

Good luck to you in your recovery

[Dominus]

Glad things are going well Winston, tell me something, is porn available to you in the house if you decided to avail yourself of it?

[chasman62]

Keep focussing on the positive things that you are doing that reinforce the decision you made to quit in the first place.

Rather than trying to 'do battle' with the 'bad dog' try to emphasize feeding the 'good dog'. If you do that then eventually the bad dog will wither away and die. For me one of the most successful approaches early on with impulses/urges and so on was to try to let that energy 'wash' through you for want of a better word rather than try to fight it or use some sort of displacement activity to substitute for it.

Just some things you might want to think about.

Keep working at it and keep posting.

Chas