Transformation

[JohnnyLan]

I can't do this journal in one setting, so I will try to do it in several. I am tempted to hide some of the truths, but that wouldn't be helpful. So will also attempt to be honest.

My struggle with porn began when i was about 15 and I was watching a neighbor friends kids. After the kids went to bed, I was looking through my neighbors bookshelf for something to read, and there it was. A P magazine. It was the first time I had ever seen anything like it. And something in my broken and lonely heart got hooked. That was 25 years ago and I can still picture the original pictures that pulled me in.

I subsequently found my neighbor friends complete porn stash and that stash was the original hook. Porn became like water to me. I was a lonely and sensitive and spiritual kid with a dysfunctional set of parents and an over active conscience. This combination, I later learned, was an open door to the false intimacy of porn.

Porn allowed me an escape to a place where I was accepted, loved, desired and understood. That was the lie. Only later did I understand that what it promised it could never deliver. Instead of intimacy, it brought me pain, shame, and humiliation. Porn is like a spider that sucks away at our heart while you just pet it, thinking it's meeting some need.

Because I was still at home in my parents house, and before the Internet, I had to work to get porn. Sometimes I just bought it at the local gas station (there was no way I looked old enough) or I settled for blurry images on the cable box. Whatever the means, the pattern was the same- hear the siren's call, lie and scheme to find it, indulge, feel safe and loved, then feel shame and self hatred, get rid of it and then be able to sleep.

I once added up how much time I have blown on porn...I don't remember the exact amount, but I can say that there were thousands, ten thousands of hours. Wasted hours fleeing to this fantasy place. Practicing a kind of short term amnesia, forgetting how bad it made me feel before, and ignoring God's call and my conscience's call to seek love in him and in those around me, and yet still returning to that same place...porn.

Years of this. Back then, I was young enough to believe that swearing I would never do it again would work. Not understanding that the "vow" was part of the addiction. That "promise,slip,shame,promise" was a pseudo transformation, not real transformation, and part of the cycle.

I got so tired of swearing, vowing, disappointing myself and my God. In my setting, it meant altar calls, and prayers, and vows. Little did I know that what I was seeking, was not o be found in the sham, self loathing, vowing to God path. No. That was false. I had to learn true intimacy.

Then came the Internet... And the soft siren call whispering availability turned into a roar... A literal stadium full of temptations, all calling out to me to come join them... With me standing on the field, ready to indulge in their call anytime they cried out.

And that's where this stuggle went global... from an occasional slip to almost daily, definitely weekly, battle.

[Remi]

JohnnyLan, thank you for the honest post above.

We have all experienced that escalation over many years. Unfortunately once we come to come to our senses, the damage has already been done. Fortunately it's not too late, it's that realization that brings many of us here. Even after years of abuse we can escape this PA. There are some journals here that show us it can be done.

I am glad you have decided to start on this path and look forward to following your progress. I'm sure others too will be along to offer you pearls of wisdom and support along this journey.

Remi

[JohnnyLan]

I was thinking about what actually works for me... what is going on when I am able to stay clean. I know that everyone has their own story, and I want to continue telling mine since this is my recovery journal, and I think it would help. BUt for my sake, I want to put in writing (typing) what actually works for me.

1. A compelling vision - a picture of what I want to be, of the man I want to be. A picture of a man who can be trusted...trusted alone...trusted with women...trusted with his friends wives... trusted as a good man who's thinking is clean. This means keeping my wife and kids at the forefront of my mind.

2. A compelling threat- a picture of what I don't want to be. For me, this quite simply means that I don't want to be a dirty old man. I don't want to be 90 and still dealing with this. I don't want to be on my death bed thinking about this addiction rather than being thankful.

3. Practicing awareness - everyday, living in awareness. Awareness of my feelings, awareness of my current temptation level, awareness of my thinking.... awareness of God's presence...staying aware. For me too,this means that I stay aware of when I am heading down the funnel of temptation... when it's getting to be too much and doing something about it.

4. Facing my desires - part of my awareness is facing the temptations at the corner of my eyes. Often I will lie to myself, not honestly facing my temptations or desires... lying that I am just going to check my email, or do some other search. So rather than facing what I really want to do, I pretend and then can't face it until it's too late.

5. Don't live by shame - this addiction is so shame oriented. Beating myself up for my mess ups has never worked. This doesn't mean that I ignore my mistakes... it means that I don't live beating myself up for every little slip. Instead I keep heading forward.

6. Be honest with someone - my wife knows my struggle. We have had many conversations about it. She is compassionate, and I am very thankful for that. She can't be my main accountability though, it's just too much for her to watch all the time. So I have another guy who knows... who knows my stuff. Staying honest. This website has been an incredible source for honesty... especially Phil's 100 day challenge.

7. Connecting daily with God - For me, this a time everyday when I pause and seek his presence. I do this through prayer and scripture... along with other pauses throughout the day. Connecting with Him keeps me filled with strength.

8. Grow in knowledge - I try to read fairly regularly about this addiction. This web site has been particularly helpful in this.

9. Practice saying no - this idea came from another web site. When I am not in the midst of temptation, I picture what specifically tempts me (what triggers me), and I practice saying NO. I breathe deeply and replace my messed up thinking with healthy thinking. I practice saying NO when I know I can say NO so that when I don't feel I can say NO, I am stronger.

10. Limit access - all of these plans fall to the ground when I have free access to porn. I have had various filters. I have had my wife hold the passwords. When these don't work, I fast from all media for a month or two... to keep myself from any access.

So there's my list... and still growing. I want to be transformed. That's my desire.

[mell]

Hi Johnny,

Welcome to TTF!

Looks like you are off to a great start!

Keep coming back and keep posting here. I have found journalling daily to be a huge help in my recovery. You will get a lot of support here. Wishing you the very best on your journey to recovery.

[Daniel]

Welcome to TTF Johnny,

Your introduction to P was similar to my own, with the wrinkle that it was a family member's P mags, and left in the magazine rack in the living room for all to see if they wanted. And the family dysfunction. And the knowledge of God plus a hyper-aware conscience all over-ridden by the desire to escape.

Of couse all of this is now a perfect hindsight observation and the challenge of the present moment is to manage our sobriety in the NOW.

Hopefully you have found solace here, as we will all identify with your situation and will be mutually supportive.

Daniel

[Teemo]

JohnnyLan,

I'm glad I arrived at your journal this morning. What a strong, clear picture you paint of this addiction. Yes, I know every person in this fight has a different story, but isn't is amazing how the progression of it in our lives is so similar for so many of us? For me, internet access, especially, came at a very bad time. Already addicted, but "keeping a lid on it" by means of a busy schedule of work and family life, along with the difficulty of obtaining P. Suddenly I had easy access, endless variety, and increasing time that I could spend with it. I was drowning. The only good news in this is that we have today to do something right. To do a lot of things right. God is good. Do your work, my friend. You may have found your own path to the real you. To your real life.

Teemo

[JohnnyLan]

Why is it that my brain can find ways to invent to try and get around my commitment? I can make it for a while on sheer will power, but then my brain tries to fool me into just taking a peek, or trying a new pattern that isn't as recognizable as my old pattern, but ends with the same result?

Just last night, I was exhausted and couldn't sleep, so I was surfing the web. I haven't struggled with chat rooms very much before, I don't say that proudly, I have plenty if other garbage. And I"found" myself downloading a chat program "just to see what it is". See the lie?

Inside, there were all these teens talking dirty. It was enough to shock me out of my lying stupor, and I got out and deleted it.

But the point is, I knew what I was doing, but my brain fooled me anyway. In The Porn Trap it says: in order to quit porn successfully, ambivalence must be overcome by motivation.

So. I want to be free. And I want to want to be free more than I want to be sneaky.

[Phil413]

Just last night, I was exhausted and couldn't sleep, so I was surfing the web. I haven't struggled with chat rooms very much before, I don't say that proudly, I have plenty if other garbage. And I"found" myself downloading a chat program "just to see what it is". See the lie?

Yes, and I also see the mistake: "I was exhausted and couldn't sleep, so I was surfing the web." That's a very dangerous thing to do. Really, you mustn't do that. If you can't sleep, listen to some music, or watch a clean movie or something. Never surf the web at a time like that. That's just asking for trouble.

Phil

[JohnnyLan]

You are right Phil. I can tell you when I'm not "in the funnel" that exhaustion and boredom are two triggers, but it's facing that when I am bored and exhausted that counts.

My iPad has been a trip up since I got it. For I can go back and forth from the Internet to my games and books so quickly that it doesn't feel like there is a distinction anymore between surfing and not surfing. iPad does have a filtered browser. I had it installed, but took it off awhile ago.

I am not going to wallow in self loathing though, for I did catch what I was doing, shut it down and went to bed! That is a victory.

[Phil413]

My iPad has been a trip up since I got it. For I can go back and forth from the Internet to my games and books so quickly that it doesn't feel like there is a distinction anymore between surfing and not surfing. iPad does have a filtered browser. I had it installed, but took it off awhile ago.

My iPod Touch is the same way. You can install a filtered browser like Mobicip, and that's great, but when you're in that P trance, what's to stop you from just downloading an unfiltered browser?

What I did was I bought a wireless router that has parental control capability. A lot of Netgear routers have that feature. Now the Internet is filtered before the signal even gets to my iPod. Maybe something like that would work for you.

Phil