'It Ends Now' - thatguy's journal

[thatguy]

As you can see I am new to this forum. I had once done 3 months cold turkey before but then fell back in a rut again. I believe I have to tackle the deeper issue of what is holding me back from life.

Insecurity - This is the main reason why I succumb to P. I just dont feel worthy around girls. I never have had a girlfriend. I have health issues that take a toll on my looks. I use P as an escape. Escape from the reality I NEED to face alone without the 10 second bliss MB and P give me. 10 seconds of bliss = 10 years of suffering.

I am weak at this moment. Every small problems that occurs makes me want to lock myself away and spend hours looking at P. I do this to hide away from my problems but they always catch up to me. I need to stop hiding and tackle these problems head on.

FIGHT FOR LIFE!

I am not going to look back on my life to see that I have wasted it. Even if I don't succeed in getting the life I want, I will be satisfied that I at least tried...

'Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll land among the stars'

[thatguy]

DAY 3

Just like my friend sdf8 I had a little peek. However something strange happened. I was feeling tired after work but as soon as I looked, my body went supercharged like I was given a shot of adrenalin! I immediately switched it of because I knew it was going to lead to MB. I have come to realise that I do have a serious problem. I want to to get to a place where my hormones are...normal! Wonder how long it would take?

DAY 4

It is my last few days at my old job. I am a bit upset because I have made a few friends here and it was an easy job. I would have liked to stay but things just didn't work out that way.

I said my goodbye to the girl I really liked she didn't seem to show interest in keeping after I'm gone even though I hinted at it which I'm quite sad about but in all fairness I don't deserve her. She is amazing and I am a perverted P fiend. This made me want to go home and go on a P binge but I fought the urge. Anyway at the end of this fight, I will meet the girl of my dreams, someone even better than her!

I'm trying to find things that will keep my mind occupied when Im at home and the P urges are at their worst. My mind keeps telling me things like 'You can take a little look' or 'You can look without MB' but I have succumb to these before at it lead to hours upon hours of P viewing and eventually MB. THIS WILL NOT WORK ON ME ANYMORE!

I the next few days I am going to find myself. I am going to sit down with a pen and paper and write down what I want from my life, what I want to change and what I want to tackle.

Wish me luck and thanks for reading :)

[sdf8]

i have some real insecurities too. I know exactly whats its like to succumb to that fear and loathing and spend hour upon hours medicating my self through p and mb and then only to be left with shame and remorse and more loneliness which drove me back to the beginning. learning just to be okay with me is going to be on the most interesting challenges of the is new path We have taken. Good day and check back on your journal to see how you are doing. this way we both can stay connected to the greater good and not get lost within our own isolation. stay connected sdf8

[thatguy]

i have some real insecurities too. I know exactly whats its like to succumb to that fear and loathing and spend hour upon hours medicating my self through p and mb and then only to be left with shame and remorse and more loneliness which drove me back to the beginning. learning just to be okay with me is going to be on the most interesting challenges of the is new path We have taken. Good day and check back on your journal to see how you are doing. this way we both can stay connected to the greater good and not get lost within our own isolation. stay connected sdf8

Thank you for contributing to my journal. Your words mean a lot. You are totally right. P and MB are like a vicious cycle of misery. There is no winning and no gain...except 10 seconds of bliss which isn't really worth it considering what you pay for it.

[Remi]

Thatguy,
A lot of what you've written here I can relate to. The insecurity, the crazy hormones, the unworthiness around women. The PA takes everything from us and gives very little back. As you've said, its a destructive cycle, those feelings you feel will constantly be fed by this addiction unless you do something about it. That's why you're here.

I noticed that you're being very hard on yourself, please don't. Take solace in the fact those feelings have lead you here and that is a big step my friend (the same goes to you sdf8). The first thing you will notice is that everyone here is hugely supportive of each other, we are never in this alone. This journal will provide you with a record of the journey you have chosen to undertake. Beating yourself up will only lead you in the direction you don't want to go. Remember you are trying to better yourself, that's what counts, and that's what you must focus on.



I the next few days I am going to find myself. I am going to sit down with a pen and paper and write down what I want from my life, what I want to change and what I want to tackle.

I like what you've written here. The truth is if you stick to this recovery you will be rediscovering yourself all over again, over the next few weeks, months and even years. You will always be growing and becoming thatguy you want to be. Really take time out now to work out how best to go about this recovery. Please don't rush this part. It will set the foundation for your journey.

[thatguy]

DAY 5

Had a good day overall. It was my last day at work. A bit emotional and I had a good send off. People actually liked who I am. I am glad that PA hasn't sucked all personality out of me. I am a bit sad because the two girls I quite fancied didn't seem interested in keeping in contact. I guess its for the best really they don't deserve a P fiend like me... but I have made 2-3 good friends there so I guess I should be grateful.

I will be primarily at home now over the next few weeks before I start my new job. Times are hard when I am at home. The urges scream out to me . I need to start researching ways to better myself in all areas of my life. That is the only thing that will keep me occupied.

My to do list -
-Meditation
-Deep Breathing
-Healthy diet
-Jogging
-Visualization
-Job hunting

Wish me luck!

[thatguy]

DAY 6

Today was hard. It was my first day where I was home all day. No work, socializing...just plain old sitting at home. I tried many things to occupy myself, mainly TV, Games and Internet.

My favourite football team lost today and I am livid! I have come to realise that bad stuff like this always gives me the urge to go on a P binge. Like anything that doesnt go my way even if it is very small I will binge. I need to be stronger than this.

Another thing I have realised is that apart from insecurity and boredom, loneliness is a huuuge factor in all this. I believe it is the biggest reason why I had PA. This is a tough one to just fix. It doesn't happen overnight. In fact I have been struggling for years to escape loneliness. P has been a coping mechanism for my loneliness. Girls have also treated me badly in the past (and now in fact) but I have forgiven and forgotten. I do have friends and I do have a family that loves me but its that different kind of love that I crave. I don't want to get into the mindset of that when I get a girlfriend it will solve all my problems. I believe that I need to start being happy being single and start loving myself more. It is really hard to love yourself when you have been alone for almost all your life BUT I will get there one day...MARK MY WORDS.

I feel as though today is a test. I almost feel lost without P. I feel as though everything I am doing now are just things that are distracting me away from P...almost as If I cant live without it. I want to get to the stage where P isn't even considered in my mind and the things that I will be doing (socializing, exercise and having fun) are the things I cant live without.

If I pass today then it is a huge milestone.

Thank you to anyone who is reading this and good luck to whoever is going through the same.

[mell]

Hi TG,

Sounds like you are going through a very typical withdrawal. The urges will always be there, and you will always have a 'good reason' to go back to it. Please come here whenever you are thinking about it. One thing that really helped me out was this forum - a healthy way to use the computer.

The urges will lessen over time. And, after some recovery, you will see the positive changes you are making. One thing I learned - the addiction will never be satisfied. The fix is never enough. 10 minutes will turn into 10 hours, days, etc...

Spend time with your friends and family, use them as support. Best wishes to you.

[thatguy]

Hi TG,

Sounds like you are going through a very typical withdrawal. The urges will always be there, and you will always have a 'good reason' to go back to it. Please come here whenever you are thinking about it. One thing that really helped me out was this forum - a healthy way to use the computer.

The urges will lessen over time. And, after some recovery, you will see the positive changes you are making. One thing I learned - the addiction will never be satisfied. The fix is never enough. 10 minutes will turn into 10 hours, days, etc...

Spend time with your friends and family, use them as support. Best wishes to you.

Thank you I am so glad someone is reading my ramblings lol but in all seriousness yes very tiny problems are really exaggerated in this recovery period, urging me to go on P. Before these problems wouldn't even be an issue. You're are right these are the cravings kicking in.

[thatguy]

DAY 8

Yesterday (DAY 7) went quite smoothly. My mind was occupied throughout the whole day and there was minimal craving. However I have come to realise a few things...well a lot of things.

Firstly I think now the deeper issue for my PA is my yearning to become normal. I don't think I have had a normal life. My insecurity has made me miss many things in my life up to now. I feel as though I have done nothing for the last ten years. I feel as though I have stayed in the comfort of my house when I was supposed to put myself out there in the real world, making money, meeting girls, meeting people and living life.

Secondly I hate the way I look and I feel as though this is the reason I have stayed inside hiding away from life.

I am going to plan my life from now on. I will be more active, start exercising, I am going to eat right and I am going to say 'yes' to anything social. The more I come back to his journal, the more I learn about myself.

Thank you.

PS - I feel as though I'm almost too scared to look at P ever again. Just because I think that it might start the whole destructive cycle again. I feel as though I will have let myself down really bad and I don't think I could get over it, Is this a good thing? Who knows?