Here I go again...

[DizzyDG]

Here I go again...

Well hello folks, I honestly thought it would never come to this, but enough is enough. I can't keep going like this, Ive tried these sort of online journal-thingys before, though obviously without success.

I have faced the fact that I have an addiction. It's reached the point where I don't even actually want to or enjoy doing this anymore, I just hit the autopilot and go. My own particular problem is payperview chat channels. I used them for a while when I younger and single but restarted using them not long after meeting my current partner. For years I've kidded myself that it's fine, that I can just log on, chat about fantasies, log off and everything will be back to normal.

I suppose the first wake-up call was when I noticed I was becoming snappy with my partner and son, I started to see them as an obstruction to me getting my fix, so I cut back. This seems to have worked up to a point, I no longer have any desire, wish or want to use these sites, half the time I just spend hours trawling through the lists of online chathosts working out 'who I could chat to if I wanted to', the other half of the time I create an account, have a mindless meaningless chat before logging off disgusted with myself and deleting my account.

I'm not even sure if it's the porn side of things I'm addicted to, I seem to be obsessed with the idea of spending money on these people for no apparent reason other than spending money. Regardless, I have decided that enough is enough, times are hard enough right now without me throwing money away for no reason.

Sadly, I can't even say this is day 1, but this can be day 0. I've set up filters on both my pcs with internet access, changed the password to a random set of numbers and hidden the password away in the attic. I'm confident that I can force myself through lack of access to go without any of this, but it's the mindset that needs to change. I've identified times when I seem to be at my weakest and should my plans to stay active and distract myself at these times fail, hopefully the lack of access will make me snap out of it and stay well away.

I have a partner, a son and I want and deserve to be happy with them, today is the first day of my new start.

Thanks for reading,

D

[FoolishMind]

Hey Dizzy,

and welcome to TTF. Thank you for sharing your initial standing, as that helps massively in understanding where your mindset is right now. I appreciate journals may have not worked for you in the past, but ultimately all this should be is a form of recording and accountability. So you can keep a track of your progress.

I applaud you for taking some good steps with the right intention, and even more impressed that you are have come to observe already the different moods and characteristics that this can cause in us, which is really not the type of person we want to be.

So you've had your wake up call, and clearly from what you say you have made attempts at changing this behaviour, have you identified what specifically did not work on previous attempts? It would also be great to share what you believe your triggers and most tempting scenarios are, and advise us of what measures you have put in place to prevent you from slipping. By doing this many members will be able to relate and offer their tips that they use for similar scenarios that you may have not initially thought off.

Keep your focus on being the man that you want to be for yourself, for you partner and your son, and as long as you dont lose that focus, I have no doubt you will achieve your objective in no time.

All the best
FM

[chasman62]

DizzyDG:

Welcome. I wanted to say a couple of things as you get going on what hopefully will be a complete recovery.

Firstly, I had the same problem is you. I was obsessed with webchat and sxcams and it nearly cost me my marriage (I chronicled it in my journal if you are interested). I believe that it is a particularly pernicious form of cheating and it will drag you down into some very bad places if you let it. Secondly, though, I want to tell you that it can be beaten. I will be 6 months clean in a couple of weeks and I have never felt better in my life. Whatever support and encouragement you need come here and it is yours.

One issue that you don't mention is that of disclosure to your partner. This is a topic that comes up many times on TTF and there is no easy answer. A lot of us were caught (some multiple times) and it took the power of an SOs breakdown and ultimatum to get us to change....that was my story. I didn't have the courage or the fortitude to reach bottom on my own and come clean. You have that opportunity. I don't believe that you will be able to sustain recovery in secret. Part of the vicious circle that drags us back to P is the stress and anxiety created by living a secret life. Holding secrets away from your partner can never be a recipe for a successful relationship but as long as you have this overarching secret you will always be, to some extent, on guard and in protection mode. So once I was caught out...I did disclose everything to my Kath....secret credit cards, bank transfers, gifts to women I had met online, and it was very painful. But once it was done we both felt relieved (I cant tell you how it lifted a huge weight from me) and we could start rebuilding our relationship.

I wish you every success. There is nothing more important in your entire life than what you are trying to do now and the rewards are truly amazing.

Chas

[sdf8]

you and I sound exactly the same. I am only on my second day but life is already better. for me pn and mb was only a tool which i used to satisfy my own addiction for the hormones created n my body. so the tv channels were always there for a quick fix and like any addiction pn and mb soon dominated my existence and even with their absence of two days they still dominate my existence. my journal is sdf8 ans since we are about the same start date we can do this simultaneously just knowing you are out there trying and I am too can keep us both connected to the greater good. i check your journal everyday to see how your doing.

[DizzyDG]

Thanks for the responses thus far folks.

Since my last post it's been quite good. No major wobbles, but then I have spent pretty much 80% of my time the last few days either at work or with my partner (we live some distance away and I find it's the time apart when I'm tempted- I went through a period where I was tempted even when we were together but touch wood I'm through that now). I did have a small wobble this evening on coming home from work- Loaded up the PC, initially thought, 'ah just a look won't hurt', deactivated the filter (I'd not got round to putting the code in the loft before I went away) and got to a welcome screen. I have to say I did not go any further, so while not a huge step forwards at least I didn't fully act on any urge.

That said, as soon as this is typed the filter code is going straight in the loft!

In response to some questions from your posts-

In previous attempts I think I've failed because I go a while then think 'well that was easy enough, I won't be doing that again', before rather catastrophically regressing again. I'm not sure if this is something that will ever go away properly, but I hope I can change the way I think enough to at least make myself stop and think before I do regress again.

My 'trigger' seems to be tiredness and boredom, Monday evening is a biggie, as this is when I'm away from my partner and son after the weekend.

In terms of telling my other half, I'm afraid I can't even comprehend telling her- We are really struggling financially as a couple at the minute (wedding and house-hunting), and every spare £ gets saved. I've hurt her before, I used to be involved quite heavily in the alternative lifestyles scene, and she found out I was still browsing websites of that ilk (not actively looking or even chatting I might add, simply browsing, more because it was what I'd always done than anything else).

And a big thank you for the offer of support sdf8, I'll check your journal every time I log in.

For now, take care,

D

[chasman62]

In terms of telling my other half, I'm afraid I can't even comprehend telling her- We are really struggling financially as a couple at the minute (wedding and house-hunting), and every spare £ gets saved. I've hurt her before, I used to be involved quite heavily in the alternative lifestyles scene, and she found out I was still browsing websites of that ilk (not actively looking or even chatting I might add, simply browsing, more because it was what I'd always done than anything else).

It always saddens me when I read this in people's journals for the simple reason that it will be the greatest regret of my life that I didn't have the strength and the courage to disclose my problem to my SO long, long before it dragged me down to the bottom of the abyss. I never had a place like TTF (or I never looked for one I should say) where people could encourage me to face up to the issue and do the only thing that can ultimately restore trust.

I seriously believe that the guilt and pain of needing to hide this horrible secret makes trying to escape from it that much more difficult and, furthermore, makes slipping back there again so much easier.

There will never be a good time to tell her my friend, and there will always be a million reasons not to...but I urge you from the bottom of my heart to resolve that you will tell her and the two of you can then commit to recovering together. Don't let her be the one to find out.....dont let that horrible unravelling of trust..thread by thread...that happens when SOs suspect and then gradually learn the truth happen to you.

You say you are planning to get married. Don't you feel you need to enter that marriage with an open, honest connection between the two of you free from secrets and lies and guilt. I wish every day that I could go back and redo what I did and ask for help and forgiveness years ago. You have the chance to start something wonderful....seize it.

[sdf8]

Just wanted to let you know i was hoping the best for your recovery