Lucrothe's Journal

[Lucrothe]

I know I'm fairly new, but this is the second thing, aside from an introduction post, that I'm going to start. Being accountable to just myself isn't working, so here we are. I figured it's a good time to start, because after a typically short time I stumbled over my own two feet again today and fell flat on my face.

Day 1

I really don't know where to start. I said most major background stuff in my introduction post. I'm 18 and I've (only, it seems) been up to P for 6 years. Like a lot of others, I didn't really realize how harmful this was until recently. I'd come to take my hyper-sexuality as a normal state I'd always been in. I'm literally unfamiliar with what I was like before P, and what I might be like if I can successfully get rid of it.

Why recently? Well, I have a girlfriend of 1 year, and she's never ever dealt with anything of the nature that I have before, and having a standard to compare myself, I saw that this really was harmful. I never thought I had anything to be ashamed of, to hide, until it came confession time. I haven't been able to tell everything to her yet. I went to her, she didn't catch me. She's the only one that knows. I don't know how to describe how I feel. I feel guilty in relation to my actions and what they mean for my relationship, though my counselor had to draw those lines for me. I feel dirty and ashamed when it comes to the addiction. I feel beyond perverse. I have not yet told anyone outside of my girlfriend or my counselor for these reasons. I feel like I would be shunned. It's such a taboo thing, and I never realized, and I feel like coming out with it would taint everyone's opinion of me.

My girlfriend, bless her heart, has shown me how lucky I am by sticking with me through it all. She's even more optimistic about it than me, though admittedly I haven't been very optimistic. I feel like I'm slamming the brakes on a train and it'll slow down but it will never completely stop.

I've destroyed everything I have of all mediums of any nature, and I've installed the recommended K-9 filter (HUGE thank you to all of you folks for that suggestion). Leaves me with only one gap in my defenses to figure out how to patch.

In 24 hours I will have hit a new day in my new life. I am capable of change. Today will always be better than yesterday. Here's to a new life.

[grasshopper]

Yes indeed, here's to a new life.

You seem to understand what a huge and difficult task this will be. It will be hard, but it will be incredibly rewarding as well. This may well be the best thing you will ever do for yourself.

Did you notice the weight that lightened when you told your GF some of those secrets? Secrecy heightens the shame surrounding this addiction. The more you release, the better you will feel.

Take pleasure in the small victories like this one. There will be many more on the path to recovery.

I look forward to reading your journal.

hopper

[Lucrothe]

Day 2

I don't think I have anything to write about today, but my SO is making me, so I will, or else I'll never get any peace. So short entry today.

The first 24 hours was awful. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect storm if I had been looking for an excuse to relapse all on my own (Which I wasn't, and didn't, and hence, here we are at Day 2). Little, tiny things that start a day off bad and then fade away, and then that would normally be ok, and then something else stumbles along that ignites the angry fire a bit more, and then blows away on it's own, and then in short form, something else shows up, and so on and so forth, until I'm really no longer me but some adrenaline altered variation of myself under a cloud of anger. Made it really, really, really hard to pull through to Day 2, but I did, and here we are on the verge of Day 3.

It's not getting any easier, but I always read it gets harder before it gets easier, so here we go, with a goal of 7 days.

Anger, I'd almost forgotten what I was self medicating for, it's been so many years since it all started. I have a bad temper, lots and lots and lots of bark, but no bite. Completely harmless, physically. Usually I resolve it with endorphins, but, true to my commitment, I couldn't yesterday. Conquering that again is going to be another hurdle to jump, and just one of sure to be many to clear before I'm actually in the clear. But, again, here's to hope and here's to 7 days. Here's to hoping I can make myself into a non-addicted, even person again.