New Man

[Remi]

I wasn't planning on starting a Journal today but felt the sooner i did this the sooner I can get the ball rolling. There is no time like the present to start this Journey! Hi All. I'm here to become a better man. For the past 10 years I've been holding myself back with this addiction. I recently turned 25 years old and have decided that this year is MY year!

I know I can do this, believe I will do it and starting today will take the first steps on this path to a healthier life. I'm currently 0 days clean having been on 2 day binge, but before that I had a great 14 day clean run. I've taken a few steps already to set up a strong sobriety.

I've told both my parents! I live at home with them and knew from past experience that I needed their support with this. It was one of the toughest things I've done but they were both very understanding and supportive . Amazing! I wish I'd told them many years ago when I first tried to kick this. They have installed K9 on both my computers and hold the password. They have also taken the time out to read a couple of Patrick Carnes books (which i have already read) in a bid to understand and help me through this. This addiction thrives on secrecy and isolation so telling them helped me get a huge weight of my heart and mind.

I'm currently not in a relationship and am determined to have made great progress before I do enter in to one. I don't want to be responsible for breaking the heart of any future GF. I don't to be in a relationship but unable to experience it or commit to it fully because of my 'other' activities.

I will of course take this one day at a time with the first milestone set at 100 days. I hoping here I will receive the support and advice that I have seen been given to many others, and in turn, once I've made solid progress I too will give back to this community.

I've been reading the Journals of IamAlone, Genin and HalfPint. These have been very inspiring and thought provoking for me. I hope that I can become an inspiration to others....

Take care,

Remi

[Phil413]

Hey, Remi. Welcome! It sounds like you're off to a great start!

I will of course take this one day at a time with the first milestone set at 100 days.

Well you're in luck: we just happen to have a 100 Days Goal challenge. If you're interested, let me know and I'll sign you up!

Phil

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Remi
So glad to see that you decided not to wait to post your journal. The sooner we do things to get help, the sooner we are on that road to a great recovery. I am very pleased to see that you are taking every step to rid yourself from this addiction. As you may already know, this addiction that we have is not like any other addiction.If a person has an addiction with drinking, drugs, or any other, it is easy for them not to go around to places that this is happening. But P on the other hand, can always be there. I say this because no matter where we go, what we do, what we see on TV, or what we look at in a magazine, triggers can be there. And once we are triggered, now we want to see more, see something better, so we may just get what we need by clicking away to one of our many P sites that we all went to. P is a very very sneaky thing. So we just need to be careful. We need to change so many things in our life, that can tempt us to want to look at P, we need to change whatever could cause a trigger. Looks like to me, that you have already made some of those changes

You wrote:
I'm here to become a better man. For the past 10 years I've been holding myself back with this addiction. I recently turned 25 years old and have decided that this year is MY year!

I am so glad to see this goal you have for yourself. you see that this addiction has been holing you back, and it does hold a person back, from many things. This is your year...Yes it is =D>
Just by you not wanting P in your life anymore, shows that you made a change in your life

Now, I really like your thinking on this matter:

I'm currently not in a relationship and am determined to have made great progress before I do enter in to one. I don't want to be responsible for breaking the heart of any future GF. I don't to be in a relationship but unable to experience it or commit to it fully because of my 'other' activities.

Short and to the point, I say this.. Porn will DESTROY any Relationship that US ADDICTS get into. these two thing never have, and never will be a good combination together. It took me almost 30 years of Porn use to find that out. I almost lost the most Beautiful woman, because of this crap, And I never what that to happen to you. It is a awful thing, when we destroy the woman we LOVE so dearly.

Well I guess I rambled enough. I hope that you do what ever you can to beat this Addiction. their are so many here for the same reason, that can help you. TTF, is a very loving family here, and we will do all we can to Encourage you and Support you on this road to your recovery, your NEW YEAR

Good Luck To You

[Remi]

Phil - You'll be seeing on the 100 day challenge very soon. Nice work with starting it here. I was part of the NP one which I found very helpful.

INOH - Thank you for your kind words of support. Yes, I agree that triggers are everywhere and I do my best to avoid them where possible. I really am trying to set up solid P defences, small things like keeping my bedroom door open when on my PC, disclosing any loop holes I've found in the K9 system and getting them blocked. I know all too well the lengths I'll go to get my fix when I'm feeling vunerable. Through previous stints of recovery I've learnt more about myself. Particularly that I always slip when I'm tired. This is something I'll be keeping in check.

So today is day 1 P free and I'm feeling good. I'm glad I've joined this site and started my Journal. The first thing I've done today is log on here which has put me in a good mood. Hopefully I can kep up this positive vibe throughout the rest of the day.

I hope to read a few more journals today and learn a much as I can in these early stages.

[grasshopper]

You have taken some very smart steps.

Telling your parents. Man that is big. I recently told my brother and then my Dad and I know what a huge thing this is. You have my instant respect for this. The secrecy is part of the drive of this addiction. When you shine light on it, it shrivels a little.

K9. Accountability software has been a cornerstone of my recovery for five months now and has saved me from at least a couple of porn sessions. Great work.

Reading material. This consolidates what you are doing. There are lots of recommendations around here so you won't run out of good resources in a hurry. Carnes' books are amongst them.

Journal. Again, so very valuable. Reading back where you have come from is incredibly insightful. It helps you to make resolutions, to observe and analyse what has led you to relapse in the past. It also invites input from other recovering addicts with insight into your situation. I am not a fan of XX-day challenges because I have found in the past that they distract me from the purpose of recovery, but if it helps to motivate you then use it.

You are also appropriately cautious. This is a very insidious and persistent addiction and we cannot afford to get relaxed or complacent.

Huge kudos to you at 25 deciding to beat this addiction. I take my hat off to you and look forward to reading more in your journal.

all the best

hopper

[Remi]

....So I've been away for the weekend visiting friends. Another thing I've been working on is being more social. As we all know, when under the P trance we forgo social contact where possible. I'm doing my best to get out there and rebuild flagging friendships. I had a great time this weekend catching up with old uni mates. When I got home though I had a very strong urge to view P.

I stuck to my guns and broke the pattern by switching my attention to another task. Not fun but got to be done!

I've also been reading a book by Dr Kevin Skinner 'Treating Pornography Addiction'. I would recommend this to anyone who is looking for a practical and informative book about this addiction. The author has a very clear understanding of whatwe as P addicts go through and offers useful advice on how to make recovery that little bit easier.

I'm currently 4 days in to recovery and have been feeling the withdrawal kicking in. Its been tough but I'm not letting it get me down. Keeping busy has helped and I am going to start throwing in some exercise for some of those feel good chems. I below excerpt has helped me look at withdrawal in a different way. It is taken from the above book which in turn got is from the SAA 'Big Book'. I hope some of your guys out there find it useful too:

'We cannot go through your withdrawal for you, nor would we, if we could. Who would ever knowlingly volunteer to go through it again? Certainly none of us! Yet the pain of each withdrawal ids unique and special, even precious (although you probably don't now think so). In a sense, the experience is you, a part of you which has been trying to surface for a very long time. You have been avoiding or postponing this pain for a long time now, yet you have never been able to lastingly outrun it. You need to go through withdrawal to become a whole person. You need to meet yourself. Behind the terror of what you fear, withdrawal contains the seeds for your own personal wholeness. It must be experienced for you to realise, or make real, that potential for you and your life which has been stored there for so long'

[Remi]

btw....thanks grasshopper for the support. Defo, telling my parents was very hard but it has been one of the best decisions I made. Any help I can get with this is always welcome....tc buddy

[grasshopper]

'We cannot go through your withdrawal for you, nor would we, if we could. Who would ever knowlingly volunteer to go through it again? Certainly none of us! Yet the pain of each withdrawal is unique and special, even precious (although you probably don't now think so). In a sense, the experience is you, a part of you which has been trying to surface for a very long time. You have been avoiding or postponing this pain for a long time now, yet you have never been able to lastingly outrun it. You need to go through withdrawal to become a whole person. You need to meet yourself. Behind the terror of what you fear, withdrawal contains the seeds for your own personal wholeness. It must be experienced for you to realise, or make real, that potential for you and your life which has been stored there for so long'

This is pure gold. I have cited part of this passage in my journal and returned to it a few times. To me it is the most honest account of what goes on in recovery. The idea that this discomfort can be precious is alien to us living in a push-button age of pampered convenience, anomalous, but true. In fact lately I have started to recognise that when I am feeling comfortable, then I need to extend myself a little and find some new aspect of life/recovery to grow into. Otherwise I am at risk of becoming complacent and relaxed. The addiction is too clever and will get around complacency before long.

I really like your approach to this problem. You seem prepared for the difficult part of recovery and that will do you well.

all the best

'Hopper

[grasshopper]

PS: I notice you are posting from old Londinium. If I were to gently needle you about the one-day series, especially in the lead up to the World Cup, could you possibly see your way to politely ignore the Ashes tragedy, especially since that was weeks and weeks ago.

[Remi]

Just need to let of some steam right now. I've been battling an urge for the past few hours and its not leting up. I feel terrible right now and a slip is seeming inevitable. I've even tried looking at my recovery plan and am not motivated to do any of my other activities. Telling myself this will pass is not helping....I've even figured out how to get around my K9 web filter but haven't tried to do it yet!! Just white knuckling it right now.....what do I do....I don't want to slip!