Samski's Recovery Journal

[samski]

Hello,

I am starting my recovery journal after polluting 22 years of my marriage with pornography addiction and masturbation. I have hurt my wife incredibly, and our marriage and family may not survive this.

I was consumed with PA and MB throughout my childhood, and brought it into my marriage. My wife has been more than patient, but has depleted herself through the process, and despite multiple pleadings, I have not changed.

I used to look at P and MB all of the time, but now I sin about once every few months in this area, because I don't know how to deal with my emotions, or should I say, I choose not to deal with my emotions.

The last time I used P and MB'ed was January 24. I will post every day as I am a recoving addict and will always be one. I want to have healing in my life and in my marriage and family, should the Lord allow me to still have a marriage and family.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

samski

Thank you for writing a good post, and again welcome to TTF. It is so encouraging to see that someone wants to fight this awful addiction. But it is so sad that us men, wait until we almost lose everything, before we decide to stop. I am sorry how hurt your wife is because of this. She is only a victim in all this, and we are putting them through so much pain,because we thought we needed to look at things on the computer. She does not deserve to be feeling the way she is because you loved P.

Fighting this addiction is not easy to fight. No matter where we go, we have triggers that can set us off. Porn is a very sneaky addiction, and at anytime and any place, it can and will sneak up on us. We need to make so many changes in our life to be able to overcome P. Our way of thinking, our ways of viewing things, our ways of handling things, all need to change. anything that we use to do, that would make us want to look at P, has to be stopped. We need to have a whole new aspect on life in general.

All of us here will help you the best we can. we can not cure you of this in anyway. You are the one that has to cure you, and fight this addiction. But with your determine nation to beat this, and as you make the needed changes to overcome this in you life, we will be here to give you the much needed, Encouragement and Support that you need. YOU ARE NOT HERE ALONE, IN ANYWAY.We are a very loving family here, and we want to help you where we can. You may not always like to hear what we have to say, but we say it to help you. Never think that we are saying anything to hurt you or to belittle you. Everything that you read,take it to heart, try to understand what is being said, and apply it in your life. We want to see you happy. We want to see you beat this thing. We want to see your family stay together. You are here with a lot of new friends, who respect and understand what you are going through

So i encourage you to pick up your sword and your shield, and get ready for a battle to fight this beast that you have around you. YOU CAN BEAT THIS, YOU REALLY CAN

Good luck to you in your recovery, never stop fighting. come here everyday if you can, and read what others have gone through, and how they over came them.

I pray that your wife sees a change in you, and still wants to be with the new man you will be after you start changing

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

=D>I don't think anyone could have said it better, INOH.

[artguy34]

Welcome samski,

INOH stated everything I would have and then some. Very good post for you to listen to! Good Advice that I hope you take seriously.

I wanted to add something though...

...I want to have healing in my life and in my marriage and family, should the Lord allow me to still have a marriage and family.

You should not think about "IF" the Lord will allow you to still have a marriage and a family. The Lord gave you the means to have a marriage and family, but God cannot intervene and fix this for you. However you can look to the Lord to gain strength and know you're not alone.

As a PA, I know how you feel, I've been there... an addict since childhood, addicted for 29 years of my life. I'm lucky my wife was willing to give me this last chance. She gave me many others and I squandered them away. This time, the lightbulb came on and I knew it was over. Sounds like you're in the same situation now.

I would recommend that for starters, you bring your wife to this site and give her the chance to join. This may help her realize that you are serious by your actions instead of empty promises. Show your wife by your actions that you are changing your life, so you can be the man she deserves.

You know this is a hard road, but if your wife & kids mean that much to you, you will succeed. First you need to heal yourself, then you need to support your wife in her healing, then continue to work on the other aspects of your relationship and try to rebuild it from the ground up.

And when the demons of relapse begin to hound you? Just tell yourself that Relapse Is Not An Option!

Good luck on your road to recovery!

[samski]

All of you,

Thank you very much for your encouragement and wisdom. I pray that my wife is willing to give me another chance.

However, I know that I need to focus on my healing because I really can't see how badly I've hurt her in my self-centered state, nor can I really do much for her, which is really frustrating.

On another note, can you all recommend which of the books I should start with? There are 4 listed on the resource page.

Also, does anyone know if there are local support groups for this kind of thing, and if so, do you recommend them? I guess what I'm trying to ask is whether this support group is enough, or if it should be used as a support for a local group?

Thanks again for your help. I am humbled by your love.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

You asked
Also, does anyone know if there are local support groups for this kind of thing, and if so, do you recommend them? I guess what I'm trying to ask is whether this support group is enough, or if it should be used as a support for a local group?

I Would highly recommend SAA Groups. They may not be for everyone, but at least give one a chance. I have been going to one since my first days of recovery, and i will say, I can not see me without one. They have for me, proven to be just what i need to keep me on the right track to beat this addiction. The hardest one to go to, is the first one.But after you start going, you will feel so good that you did go.It is so much better to be face face with many other who are going thru the same things that you are, and to be encouraged by them. You can go to the SAA web site, and there is a tap for meetings, and all you do is put in your location, and there will be a list for them in your area.

Good luck

[HopefulsRock]

Samski, Welcome to TTF... we never really like to see the growing numbers of PA's but it's encouraging to see those that want to rid themselves of this rotten addiction and seek a better life. You have come to the right place for support in your recovery because this site is user friendly and full of people that are willing to jump in and open up in an honest and sincere way. I found the book, "Every Man's Battle" by Fred Stoeker to be very helpful in describing the differences between men and women (it is Christian based). It also helps show you how to be a better man, the kind your wife would like to be around.

May you have strength in your journey...

[artguy34]

On another note, can you all recommend which of the books I should start with? There are 4 listed on the resource page.

I would recommend reading "The Porn Trap" by Wendy Maltz. It is an eye opener for one, and a good self help bible for fighting porn addiction.

Good Luck no matter what you decide to read!

AG

[StarPuppy]

Welcome Samski, it is heartening to see you take the first step in changing yourself, the others above me have given good points and i wish you the best :)

[rouby]

Wow, some really great responses here. INOH posts were tremendous.

Samski, I too wish you did not have to be here, but I am very glad that you are taking an active role in your recovery.

I have also spent a long time in this addiction. My kids were toddlers when I first began trying to end this problem and now they are grown and in college.

Do everything you can to not just subdue the beast but to kill it. This board will be very helpful to your recovery, but I would also suggest someone in real life to talk to, even if just a therapist.

Ultimately, we use porn to manage our life- our emotions become out of balance and we try to bring back balance with porn- and it works for awhile, but ofcourse in the end we are even more out of balance.

I look forward to hearing more of your journey. Welcome to TTF.