I want to be normal

[fazbender]

I've been a PA for so long now, must be the best part of twenty one years. But even more so since the internet landed. That would be the mid 90's for me.
So where did this start? . In 1990 at 29. I got divorced from my wife of 10 years we had two small children,she found someone else.

To say I was devastated would be an underestimate. I know I'm not the easiest guy to live with. So have to take a lot of the blame or at least 50%.(yes we did watch porn and yes i did use it back then, but nowhere near what is going on now )
Problem is that my then wife did and said some things that did affect me emotionally inside. At the time I just thought she's evil for saying and doing that. But I soon found out that all these events had effected me in a big big way. Went back to my old ways of playing around but there was now one vital ingredient missing. That being an erection. OMG.
This is where it all stems from. Moved back to my parents house. Got hold of porn video's and off we go. Started to drink more and more,this to blame the lack of excitement on, when I scored which I would. But I had lost a part of me as a man. Gone! Is it the past punishing me. Maybe it will get better.

Still getting porn from anywhere I can, and for the most part being able to get hard. I just carried on, as the months had worn on, I hoped it would get better. A year past. Now with someone else. Took up drinking regularly to cover the fact that erections were now a thing of the passed. I can't talk to anyone not even a doctor. (MAN THING THAT) What a load of rubbish that statement is.
This lasted four years. Still getting porn from mates. Now when this relationship sunk. Off I go to a new place of my own. Get the old cable in and at midnight every night adult tv. Were on a roll now. No one to answer too, no one to nag me.

Meet someone else she was something special. Still drinking to cover the main problem. But decided that the best way forward was to tell her. So sat her down and told her everything. Things went great for two or three years. In goes the internet. The scene is now set for the next fifteen or so years. We lasted another two years in the end not having any sex at all. I can't blame her for finding someone else.

Off I go again, to my own place, now with the internet and a plentiful supply of porn from a guy at work. On my own porn! come in from work porn!. Still doing the drinking to cover the lack of erections. Then I meet someone else. Ok tell her. It ends the same way. We end up like just mates after five years.

But I did go to the doctors to try and sort this out. Big step for me to do this. He was younger than me. When I started to tell him what was going on he hadn't got a clue how to deal with this 44 year old guy being completely open about the sex thing. Didn't even offer any help at all. Have any of you got any idea how difficult that was. So on my own again watching porn and masturbating and for the most part getting hard. What the hells wrong with me.

I'm rambling now so lets drag it kicking and screaming into the future. Been married five years now to a wonderful woman who just thinks I rock which is cool. Told her the first night we were going to sleep together my problem. The first thing she said, was I want to help you and support you all I can.
We retired to Thailand four years ago I'm 51now and my wife is 55. How lucky are we. Our sex life is good. She won't let me get away with us not having a sex life. With the help of viagra.But the porn with all the spare time, has really took a hold of me. Its now at the point that I can spend up to six hours looking and masturbating . What a waste of life. Every time she goes out it goes ON. Everyday!! Its now got so bad that I have stopped getting hard even when I take two viagra which is dangerous. But trying to cover the porn thing.She has told me she knows about the porn. I've been stupid and left stuff on the computer. She has told me how it makes her feel. On more than one occasion.

I thought I could control it by not masturbating and just looking at it. But its in my head so much now that I fear that I have become detected from a real healthy relationship with my wife. It has to stop.

My wife is worth so much more to me than pictures and flash vids of porn. Our marriage is worth everything to us.
The porn gives me no pressure to perform its just about me.My wife tells me she loves me a thousand times a day. Every one meant I can see it in her eyes.

This is day one. I'm finally fed up of losing the people that mean so much to me. I'm sorry to the women I had relationships with, who I hurt. I can't begin to know how they must have felt. Watching me pull away from them.

One of the most haunting things that was ever said to me was my girlfriend who I had been with for five years.

"have you no idea how it makes me feel when we go out how much I enjoy being with you! how much you make me laugh.How you'll hold my hand all night. But when we get home I have nothing from you. Have you got any idea how frustrating that is. To have all of you. But none of you"

It was the last time we talked.

I didn't listen then,and I didn't understand, but Ava I'm listening now I really am. Its to late for us. But its not to late for me and Gill.

I'm going to give it a few weeks then put this up for my wife to read.I'll give her the password to this account so she can read how I'm doing if I don't talk enough to her.

[Charly22]

I'm going to give it a few weeks then put this up for my wife to read.I'll give her the password to this account so she can read how I'm doing if I don't talk enough to her.

Or better yet, she can get her own account here, she can get much help and support and knowledge here. Would be a great help to both of you.

Glad you took this first step. I hope you read and learn and become inspired to be what you are seeking to be!

[artguy34]

Welcome Faz,

Taking the first step is always rough, but you did it. And from the sound of your post, you really seem to be sincere about recovering from Porn Addiction.

To put it bluntly, you need to decide who is more important? Your wonderful wife? Or Porn? End of Story! Like you my friend, I've been an addict well over 20 years and this process has been tough and full heartaches. But if there is anything that you have going for you, is that you have a wonderful SO who is willing to support you.

I agree with Charly and you should have your wife come here so she can walk with you in recovery and seek her own help as well. Working together as a couple can not only help in your recovery, but strengthen your relationship as well.

This is a tough road as you know, but it CAN be done as long as you are determined!

Good Luck to you on your road to recovery...

...and just keep telling yourself: "Relapse Is NOT an Option"

AG

[IN NEED OF HELP]

fazbender

First i would like to say it is so Encouraging to see that you are wanting to rid porn out of your life. You made the first huge step towards your recovery, just by coming here. Anyone outside of this addiction, just do not know or understand how bad porn can be in one's life

I really like what artguy said, there is so much truth in it:

To put it bluntly, you need to decide who is more important? Your wonderful wife? Or Porn? End of Story! Like you my friend, I've been an addict well over 20 years and this process has been tough and full heartaches. But if there is anything that you have going for you, is that you have a wonderful SO who is willing to support you.

That could not have been said any better. To me it seems like porn as always destroyed your relationships, causing you problems in many ways. So why not now take those steps to get rid of this addiction, so you can have a wonderful life. It seems that you have a wonderful woman who will support you in any ways, that my friend is great.

porn has continued to hurt me for the last 30 years, and not finding any happiness in using porn. I carried it into my relationship and got away with it for about 11 years, until last November, I was found out. The hurt i caused to the woman I love so very much. I destroyed her, and the way she feels about herself. But she has given me a chance to change, and that is what i am doing. But i tell you my friend, our relationship has so many bumps in it, and will take years to fix them. and i am determined to do just that.

Keep porn out of your life. do not allow it to have control over you and your relationship anymore. Pick up your sword and your shield and fight this beast, and beat it into submission, It can be done my friend
I am 54 years old, and i have about 30 years of porn built up in my body, I am 60 days free of it today, and I have never felt better. It is not easy, but with all the support that you will get here, it will make it a lot smother road to travel on.

I wish you the best in your recovery.

[fazbender]

As the title says I would like to thank all of you who took the time to read my journal,making valuable comments. Thank you.
Day two is on the go now. In the dangerous time for me at home alone. But one piece of advise I will listen to today, is to turn off the computer and go and do something constructive with my day.

I have taken on broad the comments that I should introduce my wife to this home of recovery. I would be very shallow indeed to think that this is my problem alone, so will broach the subject with her.

Today I feel strong,for the first time in a long time. I know this is going to be a difficult road. But I feel I have found a place that can and will support me.
I have made myself a promise if I am at the computer and I get the "feeling" I will turn this site on and read other journals. Take other advise. Use it to help me. This I promise myself.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

=D> That my friend, sounds like a wonderful plan. Take care, will be looking forward to reading more about your progress

[fazbender]

Here I am on day 3 of being clean. Good result, I don't feel like I want to look at porn. So well done me. That's quite an achievement. When I consider that I'm on my own during the week. From 7.30am to 4.00 pm.

I haven't talked to my wife yet, I want to get some real time under my belt first. So I can give her this Journal and let her know that this is how far I have got with the help and the support from here. Then ask her to join me and be part of the recovery.

I read the first part of my journal everytime that I log on here. Over the past few days I have given great thought to where this really started. Truthfully I really think this all started when I discovered MB as a new hobby at 14. MB everyday from then sometimes twice or three times a day. 37 years that's a lifetime.
I remember once with my then girlfriend who later became my wife. we had spent the night together, in the morning I got up early went to my room lay on the bed and took out a mag. I am completely ashamed of that, and she caught me.

i didn't give myself a chance to be normal, got caught right away by the chemicals. Maybe I'm not as self controlled as I like to profess I am. No "there's no" maybe about it.

I wish I had written these thoughts down before. So that I could confront myself with them everytime I open the diary. As I sit here its no revelation to link MB, Drinking and Erectile problem's. I think that one just seems to associate to the other in what ever order comes first that day. I'm not a mad drunk for that I am thankful, I can go weeks without a drink no problem. So that one I have a hold on. But MB that's everyday. That's the one. Drugs didn't get me how the hell does this work.
The thing that everyone say's you take cocaine, any of this stuff that's it your hooked. I did this socially for quite a few years but never had a problem with it. I've never smoked. So how can I be addicted to this MB and porn. Really I don't understand how it get's in to you. I know it's a chemical being released into your brain. So how come I never got hooked on drugs.
Am I finally letting myself go. sitting here and actually looking at myself for the first time ever, and going on this "voyage of discovery" god I hate that phrase. When I get to be in control of this awful need, that I maybe able to forgive myself, for what I don't know. I don't think I'm a bad guy I try my best to help people if I can. Be kind and helpful. I'm not religious I personally don't think I need to have God on my side to be a good person. To guide me. The people that do have this, that's cool, more power to them. Me, I'm way to practical thinking. Logic take's over.

Well its all out there now for everyone to see and read if they wish.

Day 3 I say bring it on...................

[Steelerfan27]

Hek yeah man! I like your attitude! I'm glad you're here. I've been here for about a week or so and so far it's been a great supportive place. I really like that I can have other people around me to encourage and support me. I think that its to difficult for us PA's to just quit on our own without some sort of support structure. Anyway, I'll keep in touch.

[fazbender]

Day 4 sailed into view for me at 6.30 am walking the dogs round the lake.
Had some flash thoughts, that I knew would be a long at some point. Here's my views on said thoughts.

When I had the first thought I think to myself well that's fine, Its just a residual of the picture's you used to look at. No problem. Then I have a few more. When I actually think about the thought. I say to myself yes if you want go and sit in front of the computer for the rest of the day MBing its up to you.No one is going to stop you. The person you are letting down is you. Then your wife. I could then go on here and belly ache about how I was over come and let my guard down.

The good people would read it and leave comments about "not seeing it as a failure. But a small hic-cup" Don't beat yourself up to much. But here's the thing. If I let myself do that once then I may well do it again and instead of feeling so guilty come on here to lessen my guilt. So do I still want to do it the answer is no I don't.

Now I said before that I am a practical sort of guy. Especially when logic takes me. So I sat down and used practical self knowledge and pretty safe assumption. This is what I found out about my MB&P use starting at the age of fourteen I have completed 75 full 24 hour days at this in my life. That's 45 working weeks at forty hours a week. I could learn to fly an plane in two solid weeks. I could learn a language in 25 weeks I could have studied two new careers. My mother and father both died quite young 54 and 59 That is extra time I could have spent with them.

Yes I know that most of this would have been at night and I wouldn't of had that as real time. What I'm saying is, this is how much of my life this HAS consumed and its not having any more.

Now that's what I call a complete waste of time effort and energy

Sobering thoughts.

[livada]

Bear Fazbender,

Welcome to TTF. >:D<

This is an oasis for souls whose lives have been ravaged by P during their lives. This is a garden where you can grow with support of others. And it is one of those rare places on the net where you, as a recovering PA, can feel at home and optimistic. It is also a home for everyone who has been affected (especially our SOs) by our irresponsible actions.

Now, you have made a very important first step. You have decided to stand up after being humiliated by demons of porn. For that's really what they are. Think about the people who produce this shit.

Do you think they do not know consequences of their actions? Do you think they do not know how many people waste their lives by consuming their products? Do you think they care for anything but their fat asses?

You know, after you taste freedom, there should be no turning back. Make freedom of addiction your addiction! And take pleasure in the fact that by abstaining from P you are not only benefiting yourself and your life, your SO, your family, your friends, but also making a dent - however comparably insignificant - in the shit-producers' profit.

I wish you all the best on your way to recovery. It is doable! And especially if you keep these words of yours constantly on your mind:

Now I said before that I am a practical sort of guy. Especially when logic takes me. So I sat down and used practical self knowledge antd pretty safe assumption. This is what I found out about my MB&P use starting at the age of fourteen I have completed 75 full 24 hour days at this in my life. That's 45 working weeks at forty hours a week. I could learn to fly an plane in two solid weeks. I could learn a language in 25 weeks I could have studied two new careers. My mother and father both died quite young 54 and 59 That is extra time I could have spent with them.

All the best!

Livada