New Journey Towards A Better Me; Richard's Journal

[RichBlack]

Hi all. So it is about time I started a journal, so here it goes. This is my personal journal, and as the title suggests it is going to be my journal of this journey towards recovery and a better me. It goes beyond that. It is about writing about feelings, ideas, values, progress, and the effects of addiction and of recovery. It is my own personal story of recovery, you could say. So that is what this journal is going to be. First a little bit of background information: I am 24 years old and recently graduated from college with my Bachelor's degree. I have sent out graduate school applications and will hopefully be pursuing a degree in order to begin pursuing a career in Museums. I have no significant other at the moment. I have recently finished healing from a break up and am thinking about starting to date again. One step at a time. Being social and meeting people first. Hmmm. What else? Oh yeah. I have had an addiction to porn for many years now, ever since I was a teenager. I also have had a problem with masturbation as well. I have been working on recovery for two years now, and have had many ups and downs, but I am still working at it, which is worth something. My goal is to overcome most of my addiction symptoms and at least have a strong handle of it before I meet someone and get married. So, that I can be the loving, loyal and respectful husband and partner I know I am. And not have this addiction in the way. Well that is the plan, anyway. I know that it will take alot of hard work and time, but I know it is worth it. That is all I can think of at the moment. Thanks in advance, everyone for the support.

Rich

[IN NEED OF HELP]

RichBlack

Hello
I am glad to see that you started your journal. this will help you so much in ridding your self from your addictions. I just want to wish you the best of luck in your recovery

I love your goal, you said;

My goal is to overcome most of my addiction symptoms and at least have a strong handle of it before I meet someone and get married. So, that I can be the loving, loyal and respectful husband and partner I know I am. And not have this addiction in the way.

That is a great goal. But you have to go in to a relationship not with just a strong handle on it, but you need A VERY STRONG handle on it. I f you go into any relationship and not have full control over your addiction, it will for sure fail. Their is no relationship that any of us can have, where there is any type of P addiction would be allowed. P is sneaky, and it loves tearing up relationships. Porn will destroy your SO's Heart if you allow it to be their in anyway during a relationship.
Just keep up with this fight. Get a hold of it now.

I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery

[Borrowed Hope]

RichBlack,

I'm glad you decided to start writing a journal. It's a great way to keep track of your recovery! I look forward to reading your posts, and look forward to getting you through the storm together!

Borrowed Hope

P.S. KEEP YOUR SPIRITS HIGH!!!!!!!!!!

[rouby]

Hi Rich,

I am glad to see you have started a journal here. Are you planning on staying with NP also?

I know you have struggled maintaining sobriety- where are at now?

I am glad you are here as this seems to be a very supportive community.

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

Hey Rich. I'm also glad you decided to start a journal here. I will make it a part of my daily reading. In a few days I will have been here a month. A journal has helped be an outlet for me to express my thoughts & feelings. I hope it will be the same for you. I will look forward to your future posts.

[RichBlack]

Hi everyone. I am not happy to report that I slipped and acted out yesterday. :-L I am not on easy ground yet, obviously. I am not going to dawdle in shame, as RN says not to. I am thinking about what went wrong. A combination of things. Not keeping up with my RN work, not applying my action plans, not sticking it out. But I haven't given up. Today was my first day sober, again. Another first step, of many to come. I know what I need to do. Just need to do it. One step at a time. One day at a time. But it has to be a full step. No putting things aside for another time. I need to do the work.:| Just needs to be part of the daily routine, just like everything else-chores, exercising, work. It needs to get done. So, I am dusting myself off. Thinking about what happened. Getting back on my feet again. I am going to put those gloves back on, and get back to work. The goal to meet: five days sober and of consistent recovery.

Rich

[RichBlack]

Tomorrow morning I will add my recovery plan (needs to be revised first), action plans and other stuff. Now for bed. 1 day down, four more to go to my 1st goal.

Rich

[dagaz]

I am not happy to report that I slipped and acted out yesterday… I am not going to dawdle in shame, as RN says not to. I am thinking about what went wrong.

That's the exact same attitude I took with my recent slip. It wasn't a mistake, it was a learning opportunity. And so far that's what is has been.

[RichBlack]

Day 2 has started. Recovery plan, etc. coming up. But right now, I have work to do.

Rich

[RichBlack]

I slipped last night and used. I feel like the traveler in Robert Frost's poem masterpiece, standing at the point in front of two diverging roads. I need to make a decision, guys. I remember last night, at the point where I was deciding between the two roads. I asked myself, as I was logging in to my K9 account "do you really want to do this?" I am ashamed to say that at the time, I said yes. "expletive it, I will never be free of this addiction anyway. Just lying to myself". No. That thought is the lie. I don't believe in the devil, or demons, or beasts. I alone made the decision to follow the path of addiction. It was my choice. But it wasn't what I really wanted. I want to be free. I want my life back. I want recovery. But that isn't enough. It isn't enough to want recovery with a waning heart. It isn't enough to say the words that I am committed. Words are cheap. Actions are what are important. I got complacent. I pushed my Recovery Nation work aside. I procrastinated. And a slip was the result. My words right now have little significance. It is easy to preach and speak about recovery after the fact. It is easy to say that I will win the battle during the low or hangover period. What is difficult is saying those words, putting it into practice when the urges are pounding at the front door, wanting inside. As Winston Churchill once said (and I am saying it in my own words), it is easy to back down when the ememy is at your gates. It is much harder to fight back and resist. The glory is in not backing down, fighting back. That is what I want. To resist, to overcome. Now it is time to put my actions where my mouth is. To prove it.