Puma's new beginning

[pumaman]

I thought I would finally give in to all of the advice and start a recovery journal. I have been putting it off for awhile because I didn't know what to write in them. I have been told my my wife, my therapists and others on this forum that it is helpful and that should I journal.

I haven't mentioned yet what had led me to come down this path and admit that my P usage was more of an addiction than I had initaially thought it was. It had let to many fights and problems within my marriage as my wife would find about my usage and get upset and I would tell her time and time again that I wouldn't do it anymore only to go back to it.

Each time I would just try and get sneakier about how I would view to keep in mind how I got caught before and be aware of how I could view it and to cover my tracks like I had not before. Finally it got to the point where I would view P on my smart phone and it got tot he point where I would view it in my car on my lunch break in my work parking lot and mb. This went on for a little while until one day I was seen by some coworkers and they didn't realize who it was and the police were called and it lead to me getting a summons for court for open and gross lewdness. The court date is coming up for arraignment in early February.

I was suspended from work and thought pending the the investigation that I would be out of a job. Much to my surprise I was allowed to keep my job as long as I meet certain conditions. I have never been more embarassed knowing that now many co workers know about my problem having to come home and tell my wife why I came home early and then letting my parents know about my struggles with P.

In a way I do feel it is a blessing in disguise that I have felt this is hopefully my rock bottom and now I am asking for help in remaining sober and seeking resources like this website, S-Anon meetings, and individual counseling that I had never done before in my earlier attempts to quit.

I feel better even now letting all of you know the exact depths of how far my P addiction has taken my life. Meanwhile since the incident at work it was really easy not to think abot P for the first few weeks, but as time has gone on I have am starting to get those same famialiar urges that I have dealt with for most of my adult life and it has caused alot more stress and anxiousness in my life as I find myself trying not to give in.

I hope by journaling and verbalizing my feelings all of the tightness that I feel inside will loosen up.

[pumaman]

I decided to take some advice that I read on here the other day which was when I get that feeling to view some P online to click on this site instead.

As I was just sitting here the past few minutes the same familiar urge came over me to just make a few "quick clicks to kill some time". Instead I chose to come here and post and to read others post.

I am truly glad I have found this outlet to use instead of P.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

=D> And i bet you feel so much better for doing so. this is not a easy road to go down, but with all the support that we get here, we can make the road some much easier. Thank you for clicking here first

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

You made a wise choice to come here when you get the urge. I do that too when it hits me. It has helped me to read other journals & provide encouragement where I can. We're glad your here to put a stop to P in your life. Keep it up, my Friend. If I can help you, you just let me know.

[pumaman]

Haven't posted in awhile been having a tough few weeks. My So recently found out about a time that I acted out recently and I had kept a secret from her. Although I hadn't acted out recently this incident happend after a time I had told that I had stopped looking at P so I had been deceitful with her.

I just get so ashamed and down on myself that I kept on turning to P eventhough I have seen all of the damage and pain it has caused to the people I love in my life and to myself. My relationship was already strained and we had been making inroads the past two months and with this latest episode just put all of that progresd down the draina and now it is probably at one of the lowest points in the 10 years we have been together.

I just need to take this one day at a time and keeping working on my recovery and hope the hardwork I put into this pays off.

[pumaman]

Just another day gone by, no new real break throughs for me, which can be frustrating, but I have not relapsed all which is a positive not.

I feel as I am coming to a plateau in this process in not knowing where I should either do or turn to next.

[exteberria]

I think what this shows is that P makes people do stupid things. It has made me do some very stupid things, and thats also a reason as to why I am staying away from it now. There were certainly dodgy moments in my life involving porn. Pumaman good to see your starting a journal that takes a lot of guts, your well on your way to recovery. I'm thinking of starting a journal soon as well.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

pumaman
It is nice seeing you write here again.
It is tough, when we slip, and we once again are lying to our SO's. But we are also lying to OURSELF.
What are you doing to get rid of this plateau that you are at.? Is there some more you can do in your recovery that will make you grow, progress just a little more? In order to beat this, we need a good plan of defense for us, to fight this monster

We need to ask ourself, just how bad we want to overcome this addiction.
Are we doing it so our mates aint mad at us anymore.
Are we doing it, because she told me I better stop, our she is leaving me?
If we answer yes, to any of those 2 question, then we are fooling ourselves. If it is not in our hearts to fix us, this addiction, will be with us for a very long time. but if it is in our heart, then will will be able to make step in our life, to better us. I dont care if all we can do are Baby steps, just as long we are making some steps.

I encourage you to take a look at your game plan that you have for you recovery. look to see if you have all the Right weapons in place to fight this monster. If you see that you may not have them, try to find something more powerful to us as a weapon. It just takes time to beat him, but if we have weapons to use, we need to use them with much force against him

We all want to see you beat this thing, ans we are here to help you. You are not here alone. So pick up those weapons and fight this beast, and beat the hell out of him when he shows up

[Teemo]

Pumaman,

I joined this site because I want my life back, free of porn. I have given too much to this addiction, and it has taken too much from me. And it has given me nothing but shame and guilt.

Welcome, Pumaman. I hope you will learn here some of what you need to do to start to rebuild your life. Use everything you are learning to make a plan. Not a long-range plan - It's not time for that yet. But make a good short-range plan to get away and stay away from pornography. Everything else can follow later.

Teemo

[pumaman]

Well another day porn free. Things are starting to get back to normal around my house on the surface. I know there is still alot more healing and work to do emotionally to things back to where they should be in my life.

When I first try to quit porn for good a few months back I got rid of 95% all access and stash that I had. Which was a plan for failure I couldn't stand to get rid of it all.

Within the past few weeks installed K9 on my computers and throughout the remaining links I had to P. Not having the temptation and access to P has made the past few weeks alot easier to deal with.

I just wish I could beat this without having to install things like K9, but I know from past experience this is something that I need.