The Journal of Being UpLifed

[UpLifted]

Well, where do I begin? I guess I can say a little bit about my recovery journey so far. I started my recovery in Dec of 2009. Then went on and spent ten months doing a "fake" recovery. Which meant I was still lying to my SO and giving power to the addiction. I finally let everything out in Nov of 2010 and since then I have been heading in the right direction.

The issue for me during the first 10 months is that I wasn't able to separate myself from the addiction. I still believed there was something seriously wrong with me and that I was a bad person. I struggled with temptations to look and lust at other women. I thought that because I still had these temptations that I must still be a bad person and that I would struggle with that for the rest of my life. And during this time I was telling my SO that I was doing great and that the temptations were almost gone completely. I wanted to look good to her and have her think I was getting better. All the while I was still struggling.

This gave the addiction power over me and I finally had a relapse in Oct of 2010. When I disclosed everything to my SO it was so very painful. I had shattered any shred of trust that had been built up in the past 10 months and showed her that I was till putting myself above recovery and our relationship. It's a long road and I made it worse by my choice to keep the truth from her.

But by the Grace of God she has stuck with me and shown me what true love is. Since November I have made more progress in my recovery then I did in the 10 months prior. When there is no fear to be honest about the addiction then the addiction starts to lose power over you. I can finally say that I have separated myself from the addiction and can see that I am a good person who made bad choices.

I think that this is a good start and I look forward to sharing more about my journey. Comments most welcome.

--UpLifted

[rosie]

Hi and welcome :) Thanks for sharing!

Just a question if I may?

When you say you started your FAKE recovery...did you go into it knowing it would be fake? Or, did it become too hard so you lied along the way? Did you WANT to fix it at all?

The reason I ask, my HB has tried many times to "fix it". Usually with willpower/thought/not much effort. Of course, he relapsed time and time again and hid it from me. He also told me it was going great and things were improving - but I knew they weren't, based on instincts.

I guess what I am asking is; do PA's in this situation actually seek out to pretend to fix it or do they actually try to fix it but fail, so pretend they are okay with it to save face?

I know this is confronting and I would very much appreciate your honesty if you care to share :)

xxx

[UpLifted]

Rosie,

Good questions. For me I did not go into recovery with idea that I wanted to fake it. In the very beginning I had a hard time revealing everything to my SO,I was holding on the secrets that I had had for almost twenty years, and I ended up giving her bits and pieces. I had convinced myself that if I revealed it all then she would leave me because I was not worthy of her love. This was a very selfish mindset, one that only keeps the power of the addiction in your life.

So about four months into my recovery we had a full disclosure conversation. I told her everything that I had done and struggled with and it was an awesome experience. I felt free from the addiction for the first time. I wanted to recovery more than anything. I tried the best I knew how, but I was still harboring extreme guilt and shame.

So after a while my struggles with lusting after other women became too much for me. I didn't understand why I was still struggling with having the temptations to look if I had gotten rid of all my desire for P. I wanted so much to be rid of all of that so I tried to resist temptations to lust and sometimes I succeeded, but other times I failed. And it was when I failed that I should have been honest, but I chose to play it like I was getting better. I didn't feel worthy of my SO's love since I was still a bad person in my own eyes. I chose the selfish thing to do and lie to her.

When I had my relapse in Oct and finally told her that I had still been struggling with lusting it was such a painful experience to see the hurt I was causing all over again. But after talking to my SO and realizing that the toxic guilt and shame was holding me back I started to realize that I was not a bad person. I made bad choices, but I am not bad or unworthy or damaged or whatever negative feeling you can have about yourself. Keeping my struggles with temptations to lust a secret only gave the addiction and the temptations more power. Now I tell my SO about every temptation and I no longer fear them. I know I have a choice and I don't have to act on any temptation.

I can't speak for every PA, but I know that I made just about every mistake there was to make with my recovery and I feel like I have learned so much along the way. I know what it takes to truly recover and that's honesty. With myself and with my SO. God has blessed me with a loving, supportive, forgiving, understanding, and compassionate wife. I want to recover for myself so I can be the man God wants me to be for her.

Every PA had the ability to recover for REAL if THEY chose to. I believe that with all my heart. I hope I have helped. Take care and God Bless.

--UpLifted

[Borrowed Hope]

Uplifted,

I hope this helps you brother. I know you're on the right road to recovery.


Psalms 146

The LORD sets prisoners free,
the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.

We're prisoners of porn, and were blinded by their glamour. In reality, it took for something within us to realise there is something wrong. God bless you on your recovery brother. Please let it out on your journals, and as always be yourself. You owe it to yourself :).

I look forward to sharing your journey of recovery with you!

Borrowed Hope

[UpLifted]

Thank you for those wonderful words on encouragement BH. I love the book of Psalm and I know that only God can set us free. He is the source of my strength and only with Him can I succeed. Thanks again.

--UpLifted

[JenMac]

Hi Uplifted!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you are here and I am happy to read where you are in your recovery!
I wonder Uplifted, if your wife would be interested in joining here as well? I know, for myself, it has been the guiding force in my recovery. My H, Mac and I, have been here at TTF for the past 9 months and it has been a lifeline for us. We have come far along the path to healing from this intrusion in our lives.
I know that your wife would be welcomed wholeheartedly by the many wonderful SOs here who would encourage and support her.
I find it truly amazing to watch the many couples here as they move further along in their recovery. It can be quite a transformation!
Whatever you choose UL, I wish you all the best as you continue on your path!
Wishing you well!
Jenn

[UpLifted]

Hi JenMac,

My wife has registered on this site. Her username is BelieveInHope. It has helped so much having her along with me on this journey. She has learned so much and grown so much and it has helped me with my recovery. Thanks for the welcome.

--UpLifted

[UpLifted]

I was reminded last night in a conversation with my SO that I really need to think things through before I speak. I kinda just spoke about a topic as the thought was entering my brain. Big no,no for me. The topic was about my relapse in Oct and she was asking me what was on my mind before it happened. What were my thoughts. Right as I began to talk a thought entered my head. It was basically me wondering if sexual frustration from us having made out several nights before but not going any farther had anything to do with my acting out. Now, first of all, normally if a thought like that would have entered my head I would have realized that it was foolish and in no way would that have caused it. The making out took place several days before I acted out. So to even consider that something that is special between us would have anything to do with me acting out was really foolish. After I said this to my SO I did not realize at first the damage I had done. I really didn't even know what I was thinking and when she got upset at what I said I became somewhat defensive. In reality I should have realized why my words hurt so much. I was basically saying that the addiction had tainted every thing in our marriage. Even the kissing and physical touch was ruined because it could some how lead to a relapse or acting out.

I know realize just what I was saying and I wish that I would have thought about it before I said it. I hurt my wife again with thoughtless words. This addiction is so unfair to the SO. They get to feel the brunt of all the pain. As I try and get healthy I will make mistakes and those mistakes can cause such pain and hurt.

Sometimes I feel as if I will always make mistakes and continue to hurt my wife, but I know that's not the positive way to look at it. I need to remember to take it one day at a time and continue to make decisions based on my values. I will take responsibility for my actions and learn from them so I don't make the same mistakes over and over. I know it will take time, but I am committed to recovery, becoming a healthy person, and an honorable husband to my wife.
By the Grace of God I will prevail!

--UpLifted

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi,

My husband felt the same way that you did early in his recovery. He thought he was always going to say or do the wrong thing and just keep hurting my feelings. But, that's not what happened. Things have gotten better, because he is committed to recovery. We both had to learn new ways to communicate, and things are much better now. I just wanted you to know.

[JenMac]

HI Uplifted!
It does take a while for everything to be out in the open. It is also often the case that an SO will be triggered by things you say or things that come to mind that are hurtful even though they are not intended that way. Unfortunately that goes with the territory. You are right in choosing your words carefully but unfortunately some things are going to hurt your SO anyway, especially if you are striving for openness and honesty.
I would however try to tame your defensiveness. That was one thing that would really upset me with my H. There has fortunately been little of that in our case as time has gone on and I have to say that has really helped me along the way!
Glad you are here UL!
All the best!
Jenn