Finding My Way

[rouby]

This is my 2nd day here and I feel like with the help of this forum I can find my way after all these years.

It is very difficult for me to not feel regret over not kicking this addiction 13 years ago. Although I felt like I was a good Dad, my kids were 5 & 7 when I first began fighting this and now today my oldest (daughter) turns 21 and my son will turn 19 next month.

My wife and I will be married 25 years in May. I will write more about my loving and long suffering wife in later entries.

I turned 50 a month ago and ever since then I have been acting out like a madman. This has to stop.

Day 1 today. I cannot tell you how great it feels to get a whole day under my belt. The last couple of years my progress has been going in the wrong way, barely going 5 days before the cycle starts over again.

In these 13 years, all but about 4 or 5 times have I gone more than 30 days. I hope with some hope and encouragement here that I will be able to break thorough this.

A concern that I have always had is worrying that I am trading in my P addiction for Board addiction. I am spending a lot of time here, but at least for the time being I do think it is what I need to do.

Please, I invite all for any hard truth that I may need to hear as well as support. I am here to find my way and hopefully help others along the way.

[Phil413]

This is my 2nd day here and I feel like with the help of this forum I can find my way after all these years.

I'm really glad you came, and I know you can do it. By the way, love the title of your journal.

A concern that I have always had is worrying that I am trading in my P addiction for Board addiction. I am spending a lot of time here, but at least for the time being I do think it is what I need to do.

Me, too, but I've decided I'd much rather have a board addiction than a P addiction. If that's what it takes to finally kick this P addiction, I'll take that trade any day. Besides, I figure it'll be much easier to kick a board addiction sometime down the road than it is to kick a P addiction.

Phil

[Borrowed Hope]

I'm already there unfortunately.

I've become obsessed with recovery that I'm on the site most of the evening. I didn't listen to my journal entry when I said I needed to back off a bit and enjoy life.

We can't let this replace one thing for another. But, its better than hurting yourself with P. At the early stages of kicking this addiction, we're looking for support which is wonderful. :). We all need that pick me up from something, someone, somewhere.

As far as I'm concerned, I think I'm addicted to encouraging people lol. :) That's a good thing I guess.

Love. Be full of life. Keep your spirits high. You're wonderful!

GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS!
BH

P.S. Smile often. Board addiction isn't real :). You're using this as an outlet. Don't get discouraged at all. It might be the addict trying to talk you out of it!

[dagaz]

Hey rouby great to see your new journal and your new resolve. Wishing you every success.

Garry

[rouby]

Thanks for the drop by Garry. My resolve does seem different and to be honest with you it is because of the uniquenss of this board. It is like I can see the power when we step out of ourselves and encourage others as we ourselves get encouraged.

Anyway, thanks for the hello- I will have to find your journal. I am still trying to navigate around here more efficiently.

[rouby]

I'm already there unfortunately.

I've become obsessed with recovery that I'm on the site most of the evening. I didn't listen to my journal entry when I said I needed to back off a bit and enjoy life.

This is pretty much where I am also. I know spending large amounts of time on the boards can just be a distraction, but I need to get some space between my acing out cycles and if that means being distracted with this board- I am ok with that at least for now.

P.S. Smile often. Board addiction isn't real :). You're using this as an outlet. Don't get discouraged at all. It might be the addict trying to talk you out of it!

I think you are right that it is the addict trying to convince me about board addiction, to get me off of a path that is good for me.

This issue has plagued me for a very long time and I do need to figure out what my fear is about it.

Thanks BH for your presence on this board- you are one of the reasons that this board is different.

[Phil413]

TI know spending large amounts of time on the boards can just be a distraction, but I need to get some space between my acing out cycles and if that means being distracted with this board- I am ok with that at least for now.

I've found that when you're being tempted a distraction is what you need most.

Phil

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

I'd rather be addicted to this site than P any day of the week. So don't feel like your replacing P with this site. This site gives you hope, not despair. Since I've been here, I'm here for several hours a day because I don't want P to get it's filthy hands on me again. There is safety in numbers. With all my friends here it makes it easier to resist. Have a blessed day, my friend. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[rouby]

First, for the good stuff...

My daughter turned 21 on Friday and we celebrated with her last night. The whole family was together, which is no easy task as our son attends college 5 hours away.

I acted out on the day I decided to sign up here, that was 4 days ago. Before I signed up here, I sat down and wrote the following on a scrap piece of paper...

My life is a mess and not all of it is because of PA. I should have overcome PA years and years ago and I really struggle with the idea that it is too late to change now or if it will even matter.

All areas of my life seem to be a huge ball of stress-

1. PA
2. Work(I have lost 401k match, working only 6-7 hours a day for past 2+ years)
3. Finances- just cannot seem to get ahead
4. Spiritual life
5. Fitness
6. Health issues (Cannot get restful sleep ever)

In addition to this list, my wife was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease 6 years ago at the age of 44. She has not done well with medications and we will now pursue DBS(Deep Brain Surgery)

When I first met my wife at work 27 years ago, I knew she was the one for me, the one that God gave me.

We were so made for each other- we loved life and each other.

This has not changed, but over time, PA has destroyed the real me, the real us. I am so ashamed to write how badly I have behaved towards my wifes illness, almost like I am blaming her for it. I believe it is a result of denial.

I have always been a part of discussion boards for over a decade. I have always spent copious amouts of time on them. I worry so much that the reason for that is that I am trying to escape the mess that my real life is.

I plan on writing more about some other stuff. My journal is titled "Finding My Way" for a reason- I have not found it yet. At my old board, my journal was not always completely honest and true to myself as I was writing to an audience.

I still struggle with that. If I do not get visits, I feel like a loser.

I just felt I needed to write this stuff out because this is where I am at right now. I pray that by being an active member here will continue to be impactful for me.

Thanks for reading and if you are led, please pray for my wife.

I am so thankful for this forum.

Tim

[Phil413]

I should have overcome PA years and years ago and I really struggle with the idea that it is too late to change now or if it will even matter.

I think in your heart you know it's not too late and it will make a difference. Otherwise, you wouldn't have stuck with recovery for as long as you have. I've mentioned before, and I'll say it again, I deeply admire your persistence. A lesser man would have given up a dozen times by now. It says a lot for you that you haven't.

All areas of my life seem to be a huge ball of stress-

1. PA
2. Work(I have lost 401k match, working only 6-7 hours a day for past 2+ years)
3. Finances- just cannot seem to get ahead
4. Spiritual life
5. Fitness
6. Health issues (Cannot get restful sleep ever)

Hey, you stole my list! ;) Well, except for item 2.

In addition to this list, my wife was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease 6 years ago at the age of 44. She has not done well with medications and we will now pursue DBS(Deep Brain Surgery)

We have something in common. We're about the same age, and my wife has severe neuromuscular disease and arthritis. She's almost completely blind (she can perceive light in one eye, barely) and she's confined to a hospital bed. The disease is so crippling, she can't even roll over without help. So I understand the strain you must be going through. I'm going through something similar. You'll be in my prayers, even more than usual.

I still struggle with that. If I do not get visits, I feel like a loser.

I may not always comment, but if you write it, I'll read it. And I'll try to remember to hit the "Thanks" button to let you know I did.

Thanks for reading and if you are led, please pray for my wife.

"Lord, hear our prayer."

Phil