Teemo's Journal

[Teemo]

Hello Everyone,

It's definitely time for me to start this journal. I joined this site three days ago. It is good to read here what others are doing about their recovery from PA. But your stories are very, very challenging to me. I guess I still want to believe that this is just a little problem that just needs a little more effort on my part. But that is far from the truth.

I am in my fifties. I got started with P in my twenties. Occasional magazines, then occasional movies. Then videos. I never believed it was good or healthy, and I always tried to control it. Then the internet. No longer did I have to go out of my way to find what I liked. No way to control it any more. It just seemed like no effort, no risk, and an endless supply.

About two years ago I started looking for help. I read two books about it. I got some good counseling. I told a close friend and got his ongoing support. I stayed away from P for two months, then had many relapses. Mostly, I found I could stay away for a week or two, sometimes three. I did have another period of two months clean.

Right now, I'm one week away from P. As I am writing this, I am alone at home for the night, and I'm on the computer. Usually a recipe for disaster, but I'll get through today. Tomorrow will be another day.

I want this thing off my back. I want my life to be mine again. I know it can be done. Many of you are well along the road to recovery. I hope this journal will help me. I hope your stories and your advice will help me. And in time, maybe I can be of some help to others who want their lives back.

[mell]

Teemo,

Welcome to TTF!

Glad to see you starting a journal. You will get a lot of help from the members here. I believe support is vital to recovery. I have accountablity partners here, I go to SAA meetings, and I see a therapist.

If you have an addiction, you will not be able to control it. It will always be there waiting for you. Working a recovery program will help to get you through the tough times and help you change so you will not need P.

I appreciate your desire to help others. That has been an important step in my recovery.

Best wishes to you. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[Teemo]

Just a quick post today. Last night was rough, but I stayed sober. I even woke up in the night craving a session with P. Did not sleep well.

The day was busy and good. I did some reading about the chemical effects of addiction on the brain. The "classic example" given in the book was PA. The information helps.

I'm in this for the long haul, but I know it has to be one step at a time.

[Cupcakemomma]

Glad you made it through Teemo. Keep up the hard work.

[Teemo]

My SO is the love of my life. I have not told her of this problem, this struggle, this burden. My hope is that I can find recovery without her learning what I have done for so long, and without her losing her trust in me. Is this possible? Is it wise? I keep reading about couples who are going through this together, sharing their stories, healing over time. Is this where I must go? I really don't think she has any idea about my PA. If she has ever found anything, she has not let on, and that is not her way of dealing with things. So I'm pretty sure I've never been found out. And it has gone on for many, many years. Can I really get P out of my life without telling her?

The part that scares me the most in the journals I have read is the hurt and anger she is likely to feel. Can I spare her AND me that awful prospect? Or is it just plain dishonest to continue to hide this?

There is a voice that tells me, "If you can beat this without her knowing, fine. Do it. But failing is not an option. You WILL eventually slip up and get discovered."

Is anybody out there doing this without the person closest to you knowing your problem and your struggle?

[JenMac]

HI Teemo!
First, let me say welcome to TTF! I admire you for being here without feeling 'forced'. It really says something that you are here of your own volition.
My H Mac and I are here together, and yes you are correct, there has been a lot of hurt and heartache. For me, there was surprisingly not much anger throughout this time but I think I am the exception rather than the rule.
It seems that the PAs who have been found out, who have come close to losing everything important in their lives, are shocked into serious recovery in order to save those very things.
So yes, it does cause turmoil in the relationship! It causes great havoc with trust issues as well.
You have an opportunity here, if you choose it. You can be open and honest with your wife before she discovers it. That will hopefully make it easier for both of you to heal in the long term.
It is of course your choice alone. My only question would be, how can you truly heal without complete openness and honesty?
Wishing you all the best Teemo! I am glad you are here!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Teemo

So nice to see that you started your journal. And i am glad to see that you want a porn free life. i like what you said:

I want this thing off my back. I want my life to be mine again. I know it can be done. Many of you are well along the road to recovery. I hope this journal will help me. I hope your stories and your advice will help me. And in time, maybe I can be of some help to others who want their lives back.

All of us here want our life back, and like you we are trying to make the right steps in doing that. We are all in this together, so we need to help each other. Just by what you read here will help you in your recovery. So come here often and read what others are going through, and how they are fighting this addiction.

OH YEA, You said this
And in time, maybe I can be of some help to others who want their lives back.

You have already help me with my recovery. Just by you being here, gives me the Encouragement to keep going. Thank You

I am 54 years old, with about the same years in porn that you have. Even though we have 30 years of trash built up in our bodies, WE can overcome this. WE can come out being winners

I wish for the best in your recovery.Remember, You are not alone here

[Teemo]

I am scared by what I am reading on this site about the damage P does to a marriage. I just never saw it that way. It scares me to think that I have messed up so badly that my wife would lose all trust in me. Wow. It's not that I would expect her to accept what I have done, or have any understanding of what it looks like to me, but I just never saw it as the awful betrayal that people are describing. I have been very, very fortunate that she has not discovered this.

I know one thing for certain: I want to stop for good. No turning back. And no, I am not planning to tell her. Could it be that I have been given a chance - maybe one last chance - to get it right? I pray that that is so.

I have some good support. One close friend who is helping. A counselor who is working with me, helping me get honest, and giving me some insight I could never find on my own. I have this website, and your very frank stories of recovery.

Can I get out of this without paying the terrible price many of you have paid? If I can, I know it's not fair; I certainly don't deserve to avoid the pain. But I also know it is going to be the fight of my life, no small struggle. And full of opportunities to fail at every moment. The next steps, if I need them, are to tell my wife, and to attend SAA meetings. Maybe I won't have to take those steps. By the grace of God and the kindness of friends and strangers, I am sitting here writing this now. I'm clean for now. And scared to death of what will happen if I fail.

[Crisodian]

Teemo,
I applaud your honesty in learning about what P does to a marriage. Many do not get the scope, or the depth of damage, this addiction causes.

I would share with you one piece of advice, from an SO: Your wife probably already knows something is up. She probably already has a gut feeling that something is wrong. Very wrong.

I would ask that you consider telling her about your struggles and addiction before the damage of discovery happens.

The discovery of PA is a breath-taker for most wives. The hurt and complete disolution of trust is stunning. I would say I speak for more than a few of the SOs here we would have rather been told about our husband's addiction than to discover it on our own. It would have been better to be told about my husband's addiction and struggle than to live in the dark and have to discover his addiction on my own, and then confront him with it and the damage it caused our marriage and our relationship as a whole.

Just some things for you to think about.

Find peace on your journey,
~C~

[grasshopper]

I have been very, very fortunate that she has not discovered this.

Yes. You have the opportunity to approach her and be the one to tell her about it. It will actually give her a foothold towards trust. She is less likely to find herself wondering, "Is he just putting on a show because I caught him?" She will know that the momentum started with you. Don't underestimate how incredibly valuable this is.

There are other benefits to disclosing: extra motivation to remain sober, a huge weight off your shoulders, dispelling the rotting secrecy that surrounds the addiction, greater self respect because you acted honourably instead of shamefully, etc....

But the trust issue is probably the most important one.

You have a good clear perspective on this problem and you really seem to be on the right track. Keep it up.

GH