Teemo's Journal

[ski218]

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. I haven't been too sick during my recovery, but I know it will be a time when I am weaker, so your post has helped me prepare for that time. When everything is going good in life, this addiction seems to hide, but when stress/illness/bad-moods occur the addiction also come out. This sucks, but at least we can be prepared for those times by visualizing them when we are strong and visualizing how we can get through them.

Hope you have a good week!

[Teemo]

I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote here. I'm okay. Busy? Yeah, always. How is my recovery going? It's going well.

Life is simpler without addiction. I am finding that I can live in freedom, and I like living this way. I used to think of my acting out as a kind of "secret adventure" that gave me a dose of something I needed, some kind of medicine that made life better. Of course, I never completely believed that, but I tried to. The truth is that life is beautiful and ugly at the same time. Life is a lot of things, and it deserves to be lived, not just "managed" as it had to be when I was feeding my addiction.

I always felt I needed a place to go, a place to hide from life, a place where my pleasure was all that mattered. Why did I feel I needed that? I don't know, and I don't really need to know. It is good to discover that I don't need to run and hide. With this addiction put aside, I can accept pretty much whatever comes along. I am not holding onto a secret escape plan. I don't need to medicate myself when the opportunity presents itself. Life is good, just as it is.

Honesty is a big part of the task before me now. I will consider myself much farther along in recovery when I have given up manipulation and deception. I know that the only way to move forward is to let myself be known. I'm not ashamed of who I am, but I'm also not the got-it-all-in-control person I try to convince everyone I am. I'm not sure I can do it. Honesty is hard. It's dangerous. But life is short, and honesty is everything.

[HopefulsRock]

Well Teemo that is a simple plain and honest post and somehow I find it very comforting to read.

Life is simpler without addiction

how true my friend, how true!

Honesty is hard. It's dangerous. But life is short, and honesty is everything.

Many people might wonder why honesty is hard and dangerous but I get it Teemo. It's not so much the honesty itself but facing it that's scary and how and if we even can deal with it? Us PA's spent a long, long time avoiding the truth and here in the end it's the truth that set us free.

I thank you... keep on trucking & posting.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Teemo... I understand that you are at the "One Year" mark of sobriety soon and that is awesome to see as it's not an easy task!

The one year mark is a great milestone and well worth noting but mark that day one year ago as a turning point in your life where you finally got it! No cause for any celebrating or hooting and hollering but definitely sit back and be quietly proud of where you are today and what you've done in your recovery. I want to quote you from about a year ago here,

I

n time, maybe I can be of some help to others who want their lives back.

...........Well I just want to thank you as I've found you and your words along this journey to be helpful in mine.

Thanks again...

[Teemo]

Thanks, Rock. Yes, it will be one year tomorrow. I remember what you told me a month ago: The only good thing about the one year mark was that you could put it behind you and get on with the rest of your life. Well, I think I agree. Nothing special about being at this place; certainly no reason to back off or slow down on anything good I am doing.

What about that day one year ago? Was that the day I finally got it? No, not really. But I do remember the day I got it.

It was almost two years earlier. I had done some reading about PA, and I knew I was in trouble. I was sitting in the car, waiting to pick up my wife from work. It all kind of came together for me. What I was reading. The mess I was making of my life. The dishonesty. The fear of discovery. In that moment, I knew I had to do whatever it took to get free. In the next few weeks, I started seeing a counselor and I told my good friend about my problem. But it wasn't enough. I could not stay the course. I fell after two months. It would be over a year before I could go another two months.

One year ago today, I was sitting at my computer looking at porn. That was the last time. I had an appointment with my counselor the next day. I had joined TTF the previous week. The right pieces had come together for me. I was ready, I guess. I was ready to let God have this problem and deal with me as he saw fit. I was ready to do the work. I was ready to claim my life.

I can see now that my job was a help, too. One year ago, I was six months into a new job. The project I was hired to start for the company had fallen apart, and I had been reassigned to another location. But in January I was "set free" to re-start the project. I was pretty much on my own, reporting to no one. No schedule, no deadlines. I made time for prayer, for writing, for reading. I did my work, but I was on a new path in my life, and I knew it. I starting being aware through the whole day of how fortunate I was. I felt like someone was watching over me, helping me. That time of few demands at work lasted for six months. Things are hectic again, but that's okay. I had that time for myself when I really needed it.

No, I'm not going to celebrate this milestone. I will pray. I will take a little time to feel the freedom, and the peace. I will breathe. I will thank whoever is watching over me. This is my second chance. I don't deserve it, but I got it anyway. Somebody loves me.

Teemo

[JenMac]

Teemo,
Congrats on the one year! I know this is not something that we want to celebrate but if you think of it as a recognition of the good things you have put in place and learned to bring you to this better place, I am sure that will change your perspective.
You are in a good place Teemo. And you have done it for all the right reasons, and by your own will. That is something Teemo! Proud may not be the right word either, but i am sure your feelings of wellbeing speak for themselves.
Keep going strong!
Jenn

[HopefulsRock]

Teemo, I'm not sure why but you got me tearing up with this honest post about your journey. This says it all,

I was ready to let God have this problem and deal with me as he saw fit. I was ready to do the work. I was ready to claim my life.

and I think I see myself in your story and that's why I'm trying to type through tears right now. My God, I don't know if you noticed the correlation between this...

The project I was hired to start for the company had fallen apart, and I had been reassigned to another location. But in January I was "set free" to re-start the project. I was pretty much on my own, reporting to no one. No schedule, no deadlines

and your recovery project? I find it quite amazing... as I do your support here as well, Thanks Teemo.

[fightingdefeat]

I'll echo HopefulsRock... Your post is inspiring. It is awesome to hear you've made it a year. Good luck and blessings on you as you star the beginning of another successful year! I know you do not want it recognized or celebrated, but congrats anyway :)... know that we are happy for you and are excited to follow you as you continue on this journey!

[no_excuses]

Congratulations on completing year one of freedom! I'm jealous. ;-) Thank you for keeping this journal, it is a big inspiration to others, including me.

[Letting Go]

Teemo,

Congratulations on 1 year!

A lot has happened, but a lot more will happen as you continue to work on improving yourself. When you actually become a better person, the PA becomes more incidental in your life as you marriage blooms.

Good Luck and keep up all of the hard work!!


Letting Go