Teemo's Journal

[Teemo]

I am realizing today what the "grieving" is that others have written about. I am feeling that way. As strong as my desire is to be free of this addiction, I find that I am feeling sad about "putting away forever" what has taken me for such a ride. It really is a part of me that I am losing. I want to lose it. It has damaged me for way too long. It has taken over my mind in ways that I hate. So why am I sad to see it go? I think that in my addiction-poisoned thinking I have come to see P and M as an expression of my "adventurous, thrill-seeking" side. In a strange way I am afraid there is a real positive part of me there that I am throwing away. Wow! Definitely the addiction talking! This is tricky stuff. I guess for now I just need to be aware of the feeling, and know that it will be different when I am farther along.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Teemo

We all go thru so many emotions when trying to free ourself from this addiction. You need to remember that we allowed Porn to take full CONTROL over our mind. So it was able to slip so much of this trash in to our heart. Now that WE are trying to take CONTROL OURSELF, it loves to fight with us. Porn is a very cleaver creature that try to ease is way in any time he gets a chance.

You said
In a strange way I am afraid there is a real positive part of me there that I am throwing away. Wow! Definitely the addiction talking! This is tricky stuff. I guess for now I just need to be aware of the feeling, and know that it will be different when I am farther along.
The only positive part of you that you are throwing away, Is the part that POSITIVELY made you an ADDICT. So toss it in the trash. Never my friend, allow any of theses feelings, trick you into slipping. This addiction wants nothing more than to destroy you and everyone around you. So take control, and beat this thing

[grasshopper]

I think that in my addiction-poisoned thinking I have come to see P and M as an expression of my "adventurous, thrill-seeking" side. In a strange way I am afraid there is a real positive part of me there that I am throwing away.

In a way, I think I know what you mean here. Yes, the addict is deceiving you with this way of thinking, but in another way you really do remove something from your life when you remove such a powerful addiction. We need to be sure to replace it with something. I'm not really talking about hobbies or cold showers, although they can be useful. I mean the realisation that we can be honest, admirable, real and upright.

[Teemo]

I spent some time today reading what wives have written about their husbands' P use, and the stories of P addicts, many feeling no hope of ever getting out of the mess they are in. So many marriages damaged or destroyed. It is beyond sad what this has done to so many people. And here I am just as caught up in it as any of the people whose stories I am reading. How stupid I am. How blind. How could I have thought that I could keep this as just a small part of my life? How could I not have any idea where I was going? God, don't let me fail.

[Teemo]

Grasshopper,

Thank you for your words about filling up that empty space inside. What a blessing it is to be able to choose now what will fill that space for me. I can choose who and what will get the "care and feeding" that I have given to my addiction for so long.

[Teemo]

I am aware that I am spending a lot of time thinking about recovery. How am I doing? What can I do to move farther in recovery today? What else can I learn about this? etc. I think it is probably necessary right now to spend the time, because right now it is the most important thing I do. If I cannot manage "me" then I cannot manage anything else in my life. I cannot love. I cannot succeed in work, or friendship, or any way I might contribute my part to this world. So recovery is everything right now. Today I can handle that. I am learning to manage myself. I can say that only because I have admitted once and for all that I am addicted and CANNOT manage P. And my recovery is in God's hands. All I can do is show up and cooperate. So today I am cooperating. I have work to do, and I am doing it. Is there balance and peace in my life? No. Those gifts may come in time.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Teemo

This is the time to do what you need to do. Recovery is so important right now, because like you said, if you dont fix YOU, nothing else can be fixed. Taking care of everyday things, become so much easier when you dont need to worry about some nasty habit in your life. Living a life when there is no guilt because of this addiction, is wonderful. we have much clearer thoughts in our head to deal with everything else.

You have put your troubles in the hands of a very high power,GOD, and if you continue to fight this, HE will make this recovery much easier for you.

Good luck my friend. Keep it up

[Teemo]

A strange thing yesterday: I called an aquaintance who is going through a serious health crisis. I wish I could say I made the call out of care and concern, but I really just needed some information from him. I found as we talked that I felt truly connected, hoping for much better days ahead for him, and very sorry I had not taken time earlier to talk or visit with him. How is this a part of my recovery? I'm not sure. I just think part of my addiction is that I am so self-focused that I don't even see the people in my life. Can this change? I hope so. I know that as P is removed from my life, I need to let the good things take their real place in me. Love, gratitude, appreciation, and my own contribution to the lives of those I care about - these are what I want to "take over" my mind and my heart.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

How is this a part of my recovery? I'm not sure. I just think part of my addiction is that I am so self-focused that I don't even see the people in my life. Can this change? I hope so. I know that as P is removed from my life, I need to let the good things take their real place in me. Love, gratitude, appreciation, and my own contribution to the lives of those I care about - these are what I want to "take over" my mind and my heart.

When we start viewing Porn, and we get to the point that it is all that we thank about, nothing else matters. We dont see things the right way. We just focus on one thing, that is OUR addiction, our fix that we need. There have been many times ,that I know I should go and see someone, or call someone, because they where ill. But I didn't do it, because If I spent that time with them, that would interfere, with the time I needed for my addiction. That is a sad thing that I allowed this to happen, but I have an addiction that need me. So I made a lot of wrong choices because of Porn.

Once we start on this road to recovery, and we get this sick trash out of our mind and heart, Anew thinking process takes over. We start seeing things in ways that we never seen them. Our feeling and emotions come out, and we are becoming to be a real person. Our heart will start reaching out for those who need us

This is a Sad place that WE allowed ourself to be in. But with Support, and Encouragement, and an EVERYDAY, battle with this fight, WE all will be ok in the end

Good luck to you my friend

[Teemo]

Doing okay today. I have some time to myself, and I am reading other journals on this site. What a lot of us there are. I like knowing that this road is not mine to travel alone. Many, many others are in the same mess, and moving out of that mess.

I'm also feeling a bit sorry for myself. Nothing that will send me back to P today, but just sort of resenting how much change is really required right now. Not just P and M, but all the looking and lusting and fantasizing. I can't do that stuff any more. I know how it all works together: fanning the flames inside me, keeping me prowling for more, until acting out with P is all but inevitable.

I have to find again that post I read in someone's journal here that included a quote from another site - some kind of essay on what to expect if you are really in this to recover. I remember it included something about going into this with your eyes open, expecting a long period of rather constant desires, with times of all-but-overwhelming cravings. There was a warning, as I recall, about "Don't let yourself think for even a moment that you are depriving yourself of something good that you should be enjoying" or something like that.