Teemo's Journal

[ski218]

but at least I'm sober.

I think this is a pretty cool way to look at problems and, if you are anything like me, it shows you have definitely come a long way. I know I used to use p and mb to deal with any sort of feelings that I did not like such as job stress, fear, work problems. Instead of the "but at least I'm sober" attitude, I would have the "maybe I should ignore my problems and look at p and mb" attitude. Good luck dealing with the stress and I hope you find some solutions and things calm down.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Teemo... I too feel like I'm not keeping up with my TTF but I love your quick quote, "at least I'm sober"!

When we first begin recovery and our journey here at TTF I believe we have goals we want to achieve that go in so many directions and sobriety is the bulls-eye in the center of those goals. So hitting the bulls-eye is a good thing and quite an achievement in itself and any goals you hit along with that will certainly compliment that achievement and make for a good game or a good life in this instance.

Good "shootin" my friend...

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Teemo

Just wanted to stop by a leave a quick post. I am so happy to see that you are doing well in your recovery my friend. sure you have a few struggles at times, and you are under stress at times, but the comes with recovery. so on that note, I will leave you with this, AT LEAST YOU ARE STILL SOBER.

Keep up the good work in recovery. I love your attitude in fighting this crap, getting it out of your life

Talk to you soon
Your fellow addict
Gerald

[Teemo]

I have read some things in these journals lately about coasting and sliding in recovery, and about white-knuckling when this pattern leads to urges we can barely handle. I know this is a danger. I do not put the same amount of time and effort into recovery as I did a few months ago. I know that I am either moving forward or sliding backward. My recovery work may be different now, but there is no less need to do the work.

Some strange things are related to recovery. Eating, for instance. I need to make wise choices. Less junk. Less comfort eating. Less over-eating. I'm not sure how it fits into my recovery, but it does.

Driving is related, too. I drive too fast. I use the cell phone. I take chances. This behavior does not fit with recovery, and it has to go.

Honesty in all matters is extremely important. I don't make a practice of lying or cheating, but I have room for improvement there. Tell the truth. Play it straight, every time.

And pray. Keep giving all things to God. Keep listening for what God is saying in others' words, in the events of my life, and in my heart.

[HopefulsRock]

Thanks Teemo...

Tell the truth. Play it straight, every time.

Now that's transparency and you're certainly right about how other behaviors don't fit with recovery because I too find myself wanting to clean up in other areas of my life and be a better person. I believe that's wisdom... "Knowledge is power and self knowledge is wisdom", Thanks Teemo.

[stillinlove]

Great topic. There is so much more then just stopping the addiction.

I'm in recovery for many, many, years and I still find it important to help those who are either struggling with the PA and M or just life issues since we placed many issues on the side. Just paying it forward! I used alot of time when in the addiction. And although now I function and take care of alot of day to day stuff, I find it important to take even one quarter of the time I used to devote to it and now give it to recovery. I almost feel some emptyness when I am not in contact with others.

And even with all the recovery knowledge and healing I have done in many areas, I still find something that was hidden about myself that I didn't notice, lurking, that gets triggered by some event and then I can start figuring out why and do something about it.

I was a 'reactor' for pactically my whole life. I would get defensive, nasty, and strike back if someone said something to rattle me. Sometimes I relate it to wanting to feel power, which really was a weakness.. When my husband (BigEyes) was acting out, I even became a lunatic sometimes. It was awful. I made a commitment to him, to myself, and to God (with His help) to not be that kind of person anymore.
I have finally learned to let the other person do their thing, not take it personally, and I can say something in a tone that keeps the focus on the subject and not onto me for acting crazy. If they still continue, if I am on the phone, I tell them 'I am hanging up now'. I no longer want to get suckered into being a mean person. I used to feel such shame and get angry with myself, and then have to make ammends or justify my actions. Now, I am free and feel clean.

My big one is social anxiety. I have to 'act as if' many times when I am in the presence of someone with a strong personality. I need to learn this one since we have our own business and I couldn't let clients intimidate me. I used to shake and have anxiety attacks when I was letting them. Now, I feel equal to them and let them know they need to tone it down if necessary.

Thank you for letting me share.

[Hopefull2]

I'm also new to forums. and SA. I'm a new member trying to figure out my virtual identity here , i guess :)
i also hope to use the forum as a journal on my path to recovery.

i know that this is a process. i'm trying to find ways to strengthen the pre-fontal cortex, as i believe that this is where most of the solution lies. i am correct?

Hello Everyone,

It's definitely time for me to start this journal. I joined this site three days ago. It is good to read here what others are doing about their recovery from PA. But your stories are very, very challenging to me. I guess I still want to believe that this is just a little problem that just needs a little more effort on my part. But that is far from the truth.

I am in my fifties. I got started with P in my twenties. Occasional magazines, then occasional movies. Then videos. I never believed it was good or healthy, and I always tried to control it. Then the internet. No longer did I have to go out of my way to find what I liked. No way to control it any more. It just seemed like no effort, no risk, and an endless supply.

About two years ago I started looking for help. I read two books about it. I got some good counseling. I told a close friend and got his ongoing support. I stayed away from P for two months, then had many relapses. Mostly, I found I could stay away for a week or two, sometimes three. I did have another period of two months clean.

Right now, I'm one week away from P. As I am writing this, I am alone at home for the night, and I'm on the computer. Usually a recipe for disaster, but I'll get through today. Tomorrow will be another day.

I want this thing off my back. I want my life to be mine again. I know it can be done. Many of you are well along the road to recovery. I hope this journal will help me. I hope your stories and your advice will help me. And in time, maybe I can be of some help to others who want their lives back.

[Teemo]

It's not a good idea for me to look back at my acting-out times too much. But today I experienced a period of time when the "perfect storm" of opportunity, fatigue, and a desire to get away from it all were taking me back to a familiar mindset. I thought about how often in the past this attitude and this mood would lead me to p and m.

I know this feeling has little to do with sexual desire. It is really a hunger for a brief escape from the world of relationships and responsibilities. It makes me want to step away from everything for a while. Over many years, acting out with p and m became my drug of choice for doing that. It's funny to be aware of this happening to me: my mind considering the possibility, getting me ready to turn my back on the world for a while to chase that high.

Is it overwhelming? No, thank God. Life is good now, and I don't want to go back to where I was. But what can I do with this feeling, this desire to go hide in my cave and find some secret pleasure? I guess the main thing is to realize that the feeling is so strong because of what it has led to in the past.

I like being able to see what is happening to me: I am feeling a craving, but I am choosing to reject the choice to feed it. I can do that now. I like being able to do that now.

[Mac]

Teemo
You have just described successful recovery and dedication to that recovery.
You have chosen to be in the good place you find yourself in.

Mac

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Teemo

Wow, look who is in charge of you now. man this beast, must be really mad right now, you taking control over yourself again. The thing is now, he is going too get so damn tired of coming around, and getting the door shut in his face, every time he tries to come to you, that he may just not come to you as much.

You know Teemo, I am so happy to see how you are working your recovery now days. and you said in a eariler post, that you dont put that much time and effort in recovery, well my friend, you are still doing a good job in recovery.

Mac is right in what he said. You being in this good place that you are in, you got there, because this is where you chose to be. you no longer choose, to be in the dark pit, that we addicts are in, when we are acting out. Really with this recovery, it is all about choice. we have only one of two choices, and that is, A life of happiness, without this addiction, or A life of hell, with this addiction.

It is very clear to all of us here, which route you have chosen my friend.

Just keep up with this outstanding recovery Teemo. You are making this old man proud.

Your fellow addict
Gerald