Teemo's Journal

[Teemo]

Maybe I'm wrong. I guess I'm betting that I'm really going to stay sober now. That I can put this problem in the past. That there won't be anything in the present for her to discover. That my work around recovery will be my own, and she will not be aware of what I am doing to support my recovery. It's a gamble.

Grasshopper, you wrote that disclosure would give me more self respect because I would be acting honourably instead of shamefully. I don't think my failure to disclose is shameful. P is shameful, and my actions that fed this addiction are shameful. But I don't feel ashamed of my desire to spare her and me the trauma of disclosure. And I know that this choice is worth nothing if I relapse.

Crisodian, I know you agree with Grasshopper that disclosure is far better than discovery. I'm sure you are right. Thanks to both of you for reading and helping. I'm gambling because I'm scared not to.

[Teemo]

It is strange how I want time to go quickly now. I want to be in that place where I can look back at a certain number of days, weeks, months of recovery. Today I am fully aware of how important my recovery is. Today I am full of energy and enthusiasm for this journey. While my craving for P is strong, my willingness to stay sober is stronger. I know why they say "One day at a time." How will I manage when I do not feel this strong? I can do some things now to prepare for those times, but I had better not worry too much. Just keep turning this over to God, and keep walking in the right direction.

[Phil413]

How will I manage when I do not feel this strong? I can do some things now to prepare for those times, but I had better not worry too much.

I couldn't agree more. Now is the time to plan and prepare, when your mind is clear and your resolution is strong. I don't know what your strategy is, but if I may, I'd like to suggest one:

1) Avoid those temptations you can avoid. In other words, don't go places or view things you know will be triggering, if you can help it.

2) Develop tactics to respond to those temptations you can't avoid.

3) Put P out of reach so that your sobriety will be protected in case items 1) and 2) fail. In other words, if you have a stash of P, destroy it. Put an Internet filter on your computer. Do whatever it takes to make sure you can't access P even if you wanted to.

Good luck, brother. You sound like you have a great attitude, and I have every confidence that you're going to do really well.

Phil

[Teemo]

I know that my strongest trigger is opportunity. When I have time alone, that is when the craving is strongest. Time alone with no urgent tasks to accomplish just starts the process going. For so many years, this has been the reinforcing part for me: the anticipation, the chase. I need to shut that down. Time alone, free and unplanned, is not possible for me right now.

[Teemo]

Internet filter is installed! I put K9 on the computer. Phil413, you have a great thread about closing the loopholes in that program to make it really work for PA. I made up a password full of numbers that I could never remember. I also set up an email account with a name and password that I could never remember, and used it to set up the "lost password" notification feature, to make sure I can't just request a temporary password by email. I put all the information in an envelope that I will give to my accountability partner ASAP. I did not choose to enable Safe Search, due to others in the family using the computer and being unsure how this feature might be a problem, but I selected blocking for P and nudity. I think that will slow me down when I'm having thoughts of giving up this journey. It's a lot of work at this point. Good. It feels like I'm doing the job that I have to do.

[Phil413]

Internet filter is installed! I put K9 on the computer.

Way to go, Teemo! =D>

Phil

[rouby]

Great job Teemo! I am in this stage as are you with K9. I agree that the safe search creates problems with other family members.

One thing you might want to consider for the short term is blocking image and video searches. This could be problematic for the long term, but I find this just makes things a little easier as I collect my first 100 days.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Good to here Teemo Just do whatever you can to keep yourself from looking. I still have problems with K9, so I just installed windows live family safe program, and it seems to be good for me. It dosent allow me to go where I know I shouldn't go in the first place

Keep going on this road to your great recovery

[Teemo]

I have some AA twelve steps literature that I was reading yesterday. I looked again at the 12 steps. I knew, but had forgotten, that only step one deals directly with alcohol. And that step doesn't even call for doing anything except admitting that I am powerless over it, and my life has become unmanageable. Now, I am not an alcoholic or drug addict. I am a P addict. I know that the 12 steps, if I work them with support, can be a life-saving path to recovery. SAA uses them, as do many other groups. I want to use them, too. I'm not sure yet about joining a group. I am still hoping I don't have to, but I know that is a part of recovery that I might need. But back to the step themselves: It is amazing to me that this most effective plan for recovery seems to have little to do with the behavior that I must stop. It has no lists of strategies for dealing with cravings, avoiding relapse, knowing and shutting down the triggers, etc. It's almost like that stuff is a minor practical matter compared to the real work of turning my will over to God, facing myself, admitting what I have done, making amends, and trying to help others who face the same problem. Well, it is early in the journey for me.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I know that the 12 steps, if I work them with support, can be a life-saving path to recovery. SAA uses them, as do many other groups. I want to use them, too. I'm not sure yet about joining a group. I am still hoping I don't have to, but I know that is a part of recovery that I might need.

Teemo
If you dont mind me putting my 2 cents in, I do need to say this. When it comes to SAA I am one who will always say, GIVE IT A CHANCE. Just as you feel that you need TTF, to help you along with your recovery, For the same reason, SAA can do the same. I never wanted to go to one of those meeting, But I do have to say in all Honesty, I feel that starting was the best decision I have made, in my recovery. You can get so much of the support and Encouragement that you need to make your road smoother to travel on. The first time going is always the hardest, but after that, you will not want to miss a meeting. I only go once a week, but I do wish I could go more. But I am not working, so i need to save as much gas in my truck as i can. but as soon as I get back on my feet, I will be going at least 3 times a week. It seems like I cant wait until Saturday at 10:00 comes, because I know I will be there at my meeting, feeling good, and getting the help I do need. Well I just wanted to say that. And if you do decide to go, You will be happy that you did

As always, good luck in your recovery