Teemo's Journal

[Teemo]

Thanks Jenn; thanks Gerald.

That's right, Gerald: brought everything I need and left behind everything I don't need. This addiction is something just to leave behind.

Vacation is going wonderfully. I was sitting outside with two of the grandchildren today as they played in the grass. I suddenly realized how great it is to have some time when I can live without the struggle of saying no to constant urges. I'm not talking about being distracted by work and other responsibilities, but rather being at peace with myself and life. This (as you said, Jenn) is how it should be.

Teemo

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Teemo

Glad to hear that you are having a wonderful time on vacation. what a wonderful joy it is in our hearts when we can spend time like this with our families. I do have to admit, that I do enjoy spending this time now with my grandchildren. Now I seem to have so much more time to spend with them.

It is amazing that now we are not rapped up with this addiction, all of the sudden, we have so much time to do things now. Just shows how much we missed out on with this addiction.

Have fun, and be safe

Gerald

[Teemo]

I'm back home. It was a great vacation. My wife and I agreed that it was a challenge in some ways, but also an absolute joy to be with each other and with our kids, our grandkids, and a few others who joined us briefly.

I wish that the joy I have experienced would mean that this addiction is losing its power over me completely, but it doesn't seem to be working that way. I still have to work hard just to avoid the thoughts and behavior that for so long have sent me toward P and M. Thoughts arise (often images from porn), and I have to catch myself and turn away from them. Opportunities for looking lustfully at women occur, and I have to catch myself and say no.

Sometimes I resent the persistent temptation. Am I doing something to keep it going? I am staying away from porn and masturbation, but I wonder if I need to do more than I am already doing about my wandering eyes and my daydreaming. Maybe I am still trying to hold on to my old behavior, afraid to close the door completely. Afraid of what? I don't know.

Maybe it's like being afraid to grow up. You know you must, but you cling to the past. Maybe I'm afraid of becoming someone I don't completely want to be. Whatever it is, I find it frustrating. If I am truly leaving this addiction behind and moving in a new and better direction, then I don't want it still there beside me.

Speaking of fear, I have experienced a new one. I am afraid of slipping. Afraid that I may give up and relapse. Afraid that if I ever do that, I will go completely crazy, with no way of controlling it, and it will destroy my life. I know, that kind of fear is probably a good thing.

I have written before that I am "running scared" from this addiction. I was afraid of being caught, and afraid of what my behavior was doing to me. I don't want to feel scared anymore. I want to feel peaceful and confident. I want to feel like I am on safe ground.

[HopefulsRock]

Maybe I'm afraid of becoming someone I don't completely want to be.

...? No way Teemo but I will buy and can relate to the idea of being afraid to grow up! ... so maybe afraid of the unknown is where your fear lies and for that I believe we all run a little bit scared?

[JenMac]

I'm back home. It was a great vacation. My wife and I agreed that it was a challenge in some ways, but also an absolute joy to be with each other and with our kids, our grandkids, and a few others who joined us briefly.

I wish that the joy I have experienced would mean that this addiction is losing its power over me completely, but it doesn't seem to be working that way. I still have to work hard just to avoid the thoughts and behavior that for so long have sent me toward P and M. Thoughts arise (often images from porn), and I have to catch myself and turn away from them. Opportunities for looking lustfully at women occur, and I have to catch myself and say no.

Sometimes I resent the persistent temptation. Am I doing something to keep it going? I am staying away from porn and masturbation, but I wonder if I need to do more than I am already doing about my wandering eyes and my daydreaming. Maybe I am still trying to hold on to my old behavior, afraid to close the door completely. Afraid of what? I don't know.

Maybe it's like being afraid to grow up. You know you must, but you cling to the past. Maybe I'm afraid of becoming someone I don't completely want to be. Whatever it is, I find it frustrating. If I am truly leaving this addiction behind and moving in a new and better direction, then I don't want it still there beside me.

Speaking of fear, I have experienced a new one. I am afraid of slipping. Afraid that I may give up and relapse. Afraid that if I ever do that, I will go completely crazy, with no way of controlling it, and it will destroy my life. I know, that kind of fear is probably a good thing.

I have written before that I am "running scared" from this addiction. I was afraid of being caught, and afraid of what my behavior was doing to me. I don't want to feel scared anymore. I want to feel peaceful and confident. I want to feel like I am on safe ground.

Hi Teemo!!
I am sorry that you are struggling so and that you continue to have to fight so hard to rid yourself of these thoughts and feelings. It must be hard to be constantly on guard. I am however so happy that you are here, admitting to your struggles, being honest with yourself and committing to the fight for your life.
I don't think it is a bad thing that this can feel so hard at times. It can only serve to remind yourself why it is you need to free yourself of it. Teemo you know this is all consuming and you know that if pulled back in it will drag you down quickly. That is why you are so afraid of it. Because it has that huge power. Use that knowledge to propel you forward in your fight against this. Use it to build a strength within yourself.
Teemo, sounds to me that you have so much to fill your life with, a wife, children and grandchildren. I am sure you count your blessings daily. I can't begin to know what you have to go through in separating yourself from this addiction, but I do know that for me, gratitude has been huge in my healing. That and the renewed connection with my H. I hope you can feel those things as well and that they can grow to take the place of attractions that are disturbing you. By putting your focus on the most important aspects of your life, it can hopefully relieve the pressures that are building within you.
Wishing you well Teemo! You are on the right path, stay the course!
Jenn

[Mac]

Hey Teemo
What a really good open and honest post you have just made.
This type of self analysis is exactly what will keep you on the right track.
You talk about your fears, well from where i sit, i just see that as all part of this. Maybe the sad ugly part of moving away from our addiction. If you ever figure out away to rid yourself of this please let me know. I think we just have use those fears to channel our energies to right place. Use it to your advantage instead of looking at it as a negative.

You know Teemo, having some self doubt at times i think just keeps us on our toes.
So glad you had a great vacation. Is it not a great blessing to be in a place to be able to do that.
Keep it all going my friend, you are and you will.

Mac

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I wish that the joy I have experienced would mean that this addiction is losing its power over me completely, but it doesn't seem to be working that way. I still have to work hard just to avoid the thoughts and behavior that for so long have sent me toward P and M. Thoughts arise (often images from porn), and I have to catch myself and turn away from them. Opportunities for looking lustfully at women occur, and I have to catch myself and say no.

Sometimes I resent the persistent temptation. Am I doing something to keep it going? I am staying away from porn and masturbation, but I wonder if I need to do more than I am already doing about my wandering eyes and my daydreaming. Maybe I am still trying to hold on to my old behavior, afraid to close the door completely. Afraid of what? I don't know.



Speaking of fear, I have experienced a new one. I am afraid of slipping. Afraid that I may give up and relapse. Afraid that if I ever do that, I will go completely crazy, with no way of controlling it, and it will destroy my life. I know, that kind of fear is probably a good thing.

I have written before that I am "running scared" from this addiction. I was afraid of being caught, and afraid of what my behavior was doing to me. I don't want to feel scared anymore. I want to feel peaceful and confident. I want to feel like I am on safe ground.

First, let me say, I am glad that you are back home, and you made it back safe. I am so happy to hear, that you had a wonderful time. this joy that you are experiencing, is a big part of this addiction. the big part of not having it in your life anymore. don't get me wrong, this addiction I feel will always be around, but if we handle it the right way, it is as if we don't know it is there.
This addiction is losing its power over you, and it shows, because you are now taking the control over your life. but that does not mean in any way, we are cured/freed from this addiction. It just means, that we found a way, to not allow it to be in our homes/lives anymore. it no longer sees a welcome mat in front of the door anymore.

You have worked so hard at overcoming P and mb, that now that you are not using it, you now realize you have other issues you need to deal with. the way you are dealing with P and mb, is the way you/we need to deal with the wandering eyes, and the thoughts that come along when looking. this is just another way that our sick addiction, tries to get us to feed. I wish I had some encouraging words of wisdom here to be able to help you with this issue. but to be honest, I thought I had it all under control because I have been free and clean form this addiction for 7 months or more. but when I hit the 6 months mark in my recovery, I all of the sudden had a major issue in lust, and in my undressing all the women I see on the street. I was scared that I was in the direction of a major relapse in my recovery. but I seen that I just need to add a few tools in my recovery, to be able to work on the Lust issues.

I am making it a heartfelt desire to get this out of my life, and I am proud to say, that I am doing so much better than I was just a few weeks ago. this issue is so hard to control, because as soon as we walk out our front door, it is all around us, no matter where it is that we are going.

I also my friend, do have a major fear in relapsing. I am so damn scared that if I am to give into this crap again, it will take full control over me, and this time, it will take me to places, that I never want to be in with this addiction. I just refuse to be down that sick, dirty path again. So I will do whatever I need to do, to continue feeling good about myself, and to never, give in to this beat as he is knocking at my door.

You will be ok my friend. just be on guard, and work on what you need to work on. I am here for you if you need me.

Gerald

[Teemo]

Thanks Rock, Jenn, Mac, Gerald - You have given me a lot to think about. I appreciate your support and your willingness to help me deal with this stuff. I really do want to feel better about it all. I want to feel healthy, not sick; strong, not weak. I'm not sure I can expect to have that, though. It is more like I am living with a condition that must be managed well or it will flare up and overtake me. I cannot hope to get rid of the condition, but I can learn to manage it, and I can hope that this lifelong task will get to be a welcome and comfortable part of me.

Jenn, I have thought a lot about what you said about gratitude. I think you are right about how good and important it is. When I don't feel grateful, I can still choose to BE grateful. I can choose to look at what I have been given and thank God for it. I can choose to let go of complaints, resentments, and hurts. I guess the opposite of gratitude must be greed - I can choose not to be greedy. "Give us this day our daily bread" is a pretty short list of things we need to ask for. I smiled when I read your phrases, "attractions that are disturbing you" and "pressures that are building within you." I wouldn't say it that way, but it's accurate. It helps to have someone else describe it for me.

Mac, I fully intend to use my fears to my advantage. I know I cannot afford to be complacent. Thanks for your confidence in me.

Gerald, we seem to be dealing with some of the same issues with lust. I always appreciate the chance to share these challenges with you.

I hope everyone here at TTF is doing well.

Teemo

[Teemo]

I am very, very tired tonight after an evening event for work. It was a good event, but required a big effort to set up and tear down, in some rather oppressive heat. I'm home now, reading through some recovery journals. I'm reading about lots of people struggling. I wish I had helpful comments to offer. Too tired to respond well, I think. I need to sleep.

[Teemo]

I received some good news at work today about a project that has been mainly my responsibility for almost a year. It's amazing how energized I feel about work right now. I hope the news continues to be good. I try to be ready for things to go in any direction, knowing how quickly things can fall apart, but it sure is nice when it goes well.

I am coming up on six months of sobriety. I feel right now like I can continue on this road for the rest of my life. The rewards are already great. The changes I am making in my life are the right ones for me for now, and I know I have more work ahead.

I have read about the six month mark being a difficult time for some. I think I can see why. I want so badly to be safe from temptation, but I know I am not. I have to be alert, aware of how I am managing my thoughts and actions. I need to stop everything that feeds my addiction. I feel reasonably safe from slipping, but I want the effort to get easier. I know that I must reject all forms of lust. I cannot feed my mind with just a little sexual stimulation and then cool down. I am done with that pattern. If I am to be safe from acting out, I must avoid causing the frustration that leads to acting out. That means shutting down lust. I can do that. I AM doing that. That is why I believe I can stay the course.