I want to be better

[Steelerfan27]

Ok, so today is the first day of no P for me. I'm trying, but I'm sitting here at work and I can feel the edge that usually means I'm going to screw up. I've thought about this before, it's really weird how my body and mind get into a mode where the desire for P grows and grows until I give in. Of course, as soon as I do give in I feel nothing but numb shame and I can't understand why I just did what I did. I have this feeling in my head right now that I'd describe as anticipation, anxiety or something. But its a definite feeling and I know from experience that it's tough to get this feeling to go away without messing up. And it's not just my mind, my body starts to react to the urges to. This sucks! The good news is that it's about an hour to lunch, so I'll leave the office and catch a breather. Hopefully a good lunch will help my brain to re-focus. I've been reading a lot of other people's stories and I think it helps. It makes me feel like I'm not alone, and that as terrible as my secret sin and shame is, that there are other people who know exactly how I feel. I hate P and what I let it do to me. I want to be clean and unashamed. I'm happy that taking the step to post and read other's experiences may actually give me a chance at beating this. Another thing I should mention is that I'm a Christian. I'm ashamed that I'm in the condition that I'm in, but I do believe in Jesus and his grace. But I've turned my back on him so many times and it's really hard to just go back to him and say "Sorry Jesus. I won't do it again." when I know that I'll probably screw up again the next day. It makes me feel like such trash.

[Phil413]

Ok, so today is the first day of no P for me. I'm trying, but I'm sitting here at work and I can feel the edge that usually means I'm going to screw up. I've thought about this before, it's really weird how my body and mind get into a mode where the desire for P grows and grows until I give in.

Been there, done that! I think you've just pretty well described the textbook cycle of this addiction. The thing you need to do now, my brother, is come up with a plan to break out of this cycle. You can read some elements of my own plan here.

I have this feeling in my head right now that I'd describe as anticipation, anxiety or something. But its a definite feeling and I know from experience that it's tough to get this feeling to go away without messing up.

When those feelings and urges flare up, one of the hardest things to make ourselves believe is that they will pass. We feel like if we don't give in they'll just keep getting worse and worse until we explode or something. But the truth is, those feelings will pass. Physically, you'll feel pretty much the same tomorrow whether you give in today or not. But spiritually, you'll feel a lot better if you don't.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for yourself is this: don't try to resist the temptation directly. That only makes it stronger. Instead, find something else to focus your attention on. This addiction is big and strong, and it loves to fight, but it's also fat and slow, and it can't chase you if you run away from it.

I'm ashamed that I'm in the condition that I'm in, but I do believe in Jesus and his grace. But I've turned my back on him so many times and it's really hard to just go back to him and say "Sorry Jesus. I won't do it again." when I know that I'll probably screw up again the next day.

Don't make promises, make plans. And remember that Jesus loves you with an infinite love, and his love doesn't diminish one iota when you fall. He is the Good Shepherd who leaves the 99 and goes off after the one. So go ahead and make some bleating sounds so he can find you. :)

It makes me feel like such trash.

That's the devil talking. He loves to soothe you and comfort you before you sin, and then accuse you and tear you down afterward. But don't you believe it. If you ever feel like trash, look at a crucifix. Look at your savior hanging there. He did that for you, and he wouldn't do that for trash.

Phil

[Steelerfan27]

Thanks for the encouragement. I was actually really tempted again over my lunch break when the sports talk show I usually tune into interviewed, of course, an adult film star. Normally it's filled with nothing but totally benign sports talk. I was like, "really?" I'm pretty sure I don't usually hear interviews with adult film stars, but of course today, the first day of the rest of my life, I find myself listening to this interview. Anyway, I got back to my desk after lunch, google image searched her name, but then stopped before I clicked the "SafeSearch Off" option. Instead, I logged in over here. Seeing your response certainly helped and hopefully I can finish out the day without messing up. Thanks.

[2frustrated]

I know EXACTLY how you feel, and so does almost everyone here. The anxiety, the physical discomfort, the anticipation, the excitement, the shame. This is addiction. And you've begun your journey to break the cycle.

You've already been given some good advice on getting through the urge. In addition, I would recommend some self-dialogue when you feel compelled to give in. Tell yourself (meaning actually recite the sentences in your head or aloud): "Nothing bad will really happy to me if I don't give in to these urges. My mind is just playing tricks on me, making me feel like I must give in. It's just a feeling, and it will pass."

Regarding your religious guilt. God is infinite. Are you so powerful a creature that the infinitude of God is not enough for you? Is his power to forgive not great enough to cover your sins? You know better.

[Phil413]

Hey, Steelerfan. I'm so glad you got through that temptation without acting out! Sounds like you made it by the skin of your teeth, though. May I gently suggest that you may have made it harder than it needed to be? I gather that you listened to that whole interview? Wouldn't it have been better to turn it off?

We must never forget that we are weak, and we must never expose ourselves to a temptation a second longer than necessary. Whenever you see a temptation coming, the best response is to drop your sword and run away, shrieking like a little girl. :)

I'll be praying for your success the rest of the day!

Phil

[Steelerfan27]

You're completely right about me listening to the interview. I even heard the talk show guys announcing that they would have the interview, so I really knew it was coming and I should have turned the channel. Thanks for calling me out on that. I think that I just glossed over that in my mind and somehow didn't connect that I had the power to change the channel. But I did have the power and because I didn't change it, it led me to further temptation and even now sound bites from the interview are still in my head. Ok, but today is another day and I did make it through yesterday! Huge victory. If I can make it today, then I can coast through the weekend (I have an internet blocker at home and make it a point to pretty much never get on the computer at home). Although home has it's own temptations: we got Verizon FiOS and it came with 3 free months of HBO. So after 11 PM, I know that those channels will have flat out porn on them (I honestly had no idea that HBO did this when I ordered the cable). I put a parental block on them, but still haven't gotten around to actually calling Verizon and cancelling the HBO trial. I should definitely do that. Maybe it'll be a goal for today. It is now a goal for today. Ok, well Day 2 is here and hopefully it will be a good one! Thanks for the support!

[Phil413]

I put a parental block on them, but still haven't gotten around to actually calling Verizon and cancelling the HBO trial. I should definitely do that. Maybe it'll be a goal for today. It is now a goal for today.

That's an excellent idea. This battle is hard enough without putting up with temptations we can easily avoid. May God be with you today!

Phil

[Steelerfan27]

So I made it through yesterday fine, on to Day 3 of freedom! I tried to cancel my HBO trial, but after spending 40 min, 30 min, and 20 min on hold (I had to hang up a few times since I was still at work) I gave up and will try again on monday. "Unusually high call volume" or something like that. I haven't yet been really crushed by a huge temptation yet, as I imagined I would. I have noticed my thoughts still tend to gravitate into the gutter. I'm trying to be diligent about stopping the thoughts and about not checking women out. Like I've said before, weekends tend to be ok with me. I'm usually with my wife, I have SafeEyes installed (although P is still accesible through my Wii console and an iPod touch we have). The only hickup at home lately is when she falls asleep, sometimes on the couch next to me, and I would scan into the 900 level channels - HBO and find P. I can't believe that I did that kind of thing with her right next to me asleep. I really have turned into a degenerate scumbag. See how P gets you to risk everything for a stupid fleeting fantasy? Anyway, I put the parental block on a few months ago and I haven't run into that situation again. But the best course of action would, of course, be to stop my HBO trial and eliminate the possibility of her being away, me getting tempted and turning off the channel lock and binge-ing. Love the support I'm getting here. Writing about all this definitely seems to give me strength and helps to keep me focused on beating this stuff.

[Phil413]

I have SafeEyes installed (although P is still accesible through my Wii console and an iPod touch we have).

That's exactly why I don't hook my Wii up to the Internet.

I also have an iPod Touch, and I really would urge you to lock it down. Having an unlimited P library in your pocket is a really bad idea.

If you want to render the iPod safe, here's what you do. First, download an app called Mobicip. It's a filtered Internet browser. Next, go to Settings -> General -> Restrictions. Disable Safari and YouTube. Under "Apps" set it so you can't buy apps that are rated 17+ (this will prevent you from getting around your loss of Safari by simply downloading a different browser. All browsers are rated 17+). Next, set a random 4-digit access code to your "Restrictions" page. Be sure to make it different from the access code you use to unlock the iPod when it's been sitting too long.

This should make the iPod reasonably safe. If you still want to use it to surf the Internet, use the Mobicip app. It'll block anything questionable.

Congratulations on the progress you've made so far. It sounds like you're doing really well!

Phil

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

I know how you feel. There was a time I viewed P with my SO sleeping next me. Now that I look back on it. How could I do that to my beautiful SO! I was such a major scumbag, but I'm feeling much better now. lol. Your doing so well, my friend. Keep fighting! No surrender! Relapse is not an option!