Choosing freedom

[dagaz]

Hi, I'm a 39 year old male from the East Coast of Australia. Like so many others I began this addiction in early puberty and have struggled with it ever since. My recovery began when I joined npsupport in March last year and I managed 79 days free from p and mb. On day 80 I slipped and then a week or so later I slipped again. After that I started going through cycles where I would last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks clean before slipping.

I have now been clean since the Summer Solstice (21/12/10) which is when I borrowed the Patrick Carnes book 'Out of the Shadows' from my local library. A week after that I went and sat a ten day meditation retreat (something I do every year) which was the first retreat I've sat since starting active recovery. I feel like the retreat has given my recovery a huge boost and have been keeping up my daily practice of 2 hours of meditation a day.

However, it hasn't all been plain sailing. I have now been triggered 3 times since coming out of retreat. The 3rd time was earlier this morning when I woke up ridiculously early and instead of getting up I just lay in bed and started fantasising. I told myself I should just get up (it was about quarter to five in the morning) but instead I just lay there trying to get back to sleep and indulged in a bit more fantasy. I'm now up and feeling much clearer. But this is a sign that I still have a long way to go.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I Just again want to welcome you here. I wish for you to have a wonderful recovery. Just remember, with this addiction we need to take it , ONE DAY AT A TIME

[rosie]

Yes!! An Aussie AND a meditation lover! YAY!!! Welcome :)

It's nice to see how aware you are of your triggers and that you are taking steps to acknowledge these things - always positive for progress. Glad to see you here and hope you enjoy the lovely community of TTF.

I would have thought 3 triggers was pretty good? I know that my husband talks about being triggered hundreds of times per day. Not sure how typical he is though - I think his is at the more extreme end of the scale.

When the triggers hit, are you always indulging them, do you resist them, or are you acknowledging them and letting them pass?

From what I have learnt, one of the problems with triggers or negative thinking etc is that by trying to reject/deflect/avoid the feelings and thoughts, we give them weight and strengthen them. I guess like the saying "you become what you think". But if you instead observe the thoughts, acknowledge them, and them let them go, they become less pervasive. Wonder if you've tried this approach?

On a side note; wondering where you did your 10 day meditation retreat - something I would LOVE to do. I'm also East coast Aus. :)

Take care, keep up the great work and look forward to reading more of your journey :)

x Rosie.

[grasshopper]

Garry,

It's great to see you here. Your journal was one of my regular reads on npsupport and I look forward to keeping up to date on TTF.

My own meditation practice has been solid lately. And my wife is also meditating with me most mornings now. We are making it part of our healing of the relationship.

I have taken a few significant baby steps since moving to this forum in October. One of the biggest things has been my wife (AloeVera) joining the forum. It has become an extra layer of accountability for me, it has kept me honest in my posts and it has shown me that recovery is not all about me, but that she has a role to play in defining my recovery.

Looking forward to reading more of your journal.

Best

'hopper

[dagaz]

I would have thought 3 triggers was pretty good?

For me it is excellent. Prior to my last retreat I would easily get triggered several times a day. This was my first retreat since starting active recovery and, largely due to this, I was much more aware of my addictive thinking and letting it go before it got to the point of being triggered.

From what I have learnt, one of the problems with triggers or negative thinking etc is that by trying to reject/deflect/avoid the feelings and thoughts, we give them weight and strengthen them. I guess like the saying "you become what you think". But if you instead observe the thoughts, acknowledge them, and them let them go, they become less pervasive. Wonder if you've tried this approach?

This is exactly what I've been trying to do, both with my day to day thoughts and my addictive thoughts.

On a side note; wondering where you did your 10 day meditation retreat - something I would LOVE to do. I'm also East coast Aus. :)

This one I did at Blackheath in the Blue Mountains. There are also centres at Pomona in Queensland, Woori Yallock in Victoria and Mt Dromedary in Tasmania. You can find out more about it at: Vipassana meditation in Australia and New Zealand. I have been practicing this meditation technique for 16 years. Prior to meditating I was a heavy drinker and addicted to pot and tobacco. I now haven't drunk or smoked in many years, which I largely put down to my meditation practice. This addiction, however, is deeper rooted and I am obviously still struggling with it - presently 30 days clean and the strongest I've felt in my sobriety since I first joined npsupport.

Take care, keep up the great work and look forward to reading more of your journey :)

Thanks for this. Take care yourself.

[dagaz]

I posted in Speedway's journal just before (because it seemed appropriate) a thought I've picked up from a member called BeingThere back on npsupport. Basically that staying clean isn't necessarily recovery, healing your life so you don't want or need the p is true recovery. I'm now at 31 days clean and feel like I'm starting to make some good steps towards healing my life. I've started doing some regular exercise and have been a lot more productive around the house, as well as maintaining my meditation practice of 2 hours a day. It's amazing how much better I feel from doing these things. They're things I've been wanting to get into a routine of doing for a long time, but my p addiction has sucked so much time and energy out of my life that they've been occasional rather than regular.

Now I just need to make them stick, replace my bad p habit with these healthy, productive habits. At the same time I need to replace my negative, lustful thoughts with healthy, positive thinking.

[dagaz]

My own meditation practice has been solid lately. And my wife is also meditating with me most mornings now. We are making it part of our healing of the relationship.

Hey grasshopper, for some reason I completely missed your earlier post until a few minutes ago. Anyway, glad to hear your meditation practice is going well. My SO and I sit the two full hours together probably 9 days out of ten. We have such a strong relationship and she has been incredibly supportive of my journey to fight this addiction. There are times when I read an SOs perspective and I agree 100% with what they've written and can't help wondering why my wife doesn't feel like that. But she seems genuinely accepting and supportive of my recovery efforts. Most of the time I'm very grateful for this, but there are times when I think that if she did make more of a deal of when I mess up that it might give me a greater incentive to not. She is also the only person in real life who knows of my addiction.

Thanks for posting,
Garry

[rouby]

Garry,

Popping by to say hi. I also noticed that NP appears to be back up and running. What are your plans as far as a home board? You know, currently I am on like 3 boards and I need to cut that down. I think I will probably be making this my home for the time being- it seems to be the change that I need at this time.

How does 30 days feel after a while of start and stops? I am hoping I can find out soon for myself.

[Misty_77]

staying clean isn't necessarily recovery, healing your life so you don't want or need the p is true recovery. I'm now at 31 days clean and feel like I'm starting to make some good steps towards healing my life. I've started doing some regular exercise and have been a lot more productive around the house, as well as maintaining my meditation practice of 2 hours a day. It's amazing how much better I feel from doing these things.

Now I just need to make them stick, replace my bad p habit with these healthy, productive habits. At the same time I need to replace my negative, lustful thoughts with healthy, positive thinking.

AWESOME statements! (Oh and a belated Welcome to TTF!) It's a true blessing that your wife hasn't let this affect her well-being and she's so supportive of you. It sounds to me like she doesn't need to be harder on you when you act out- you seem to be hard enough on yourself. You've obviously learned a lot about what you need to do, in order to keep on the right path. 31 days is great! Keep it going!

[dagaz]

I also noticed that NP appears to be back up and running. What are your plans as far as a home board?

I still haven't fully worked that out. It's great to see npsupport up and fully functional again. It's almost 12 months since I signed up there and have built up a great support network there. Having said that, so far I really like the 'vibe' of this board so will probably keep in touch with both, at least for the time being.

How does 30 days feel after a while of start and stops? I am hoping I can find out soon for myself.

It felt great. I slipped this morning. But this slip was different. I didn't feel any guilt or shame that I'd acted out, the only real negative emotion I felt was disappointment that I was going to have to reset my day count on two boards. :">

I'm hoping that this slip was just a small blip on my road to recovery, that's what it feels like at the moment but only time will tell of course. I've now signed up for the Candeo program and will see how that goes.

Looking forward to congratulating you when you reach that 30 day mark,

Garry