Speedway's journal

[speedway]

I've just completed four days without P and MB. I feel OK, although I have been prevaricating like mad at work today. Half way through the working day. I always find this in the early days of a quit - I want to do nothing but focus on recovery, which leaves the rest of my life out of balance.

I'm feeling sad about leaving the other board, even though some of the people have moved here. Even after a month, I felt part of a community and I had got to know people and shared the their struggle. I'm in two minds about trying to keep two journals on the go, although access is a big problem. I know I must prioritise my sobriety, so I will try to keep in touch with people over there. (It seems graceless joining a board, and moaning about having to leave another board, but I'm sure the old hands here are a forgiving bunch.)

I'm going to do the Recovery Nation workshop. I feel the need to be methodical and comprehensive. It's too easy to start pursuing a certain line of thought, early on in a quit, before you are strong enough, which more often the not leads you back to acting out. So my recent burst of abstinence (of 22 days) ended because I had started to 'analyse' the types of P I viewed, rationalising that it was helping me in my recovery. Of course it trigggered me and three or four days' later, after a struggle, I was logging on to my favourite free P site.

I then acted out for six days, in an out and out binge, before finally getting myself under control again. The first few times I acted out after three weeks' clean, I did feel the opposition of what I was doing with my fledgling recovery values. I was even conscious in those first few hours that viewing P and MBing was not going to meet my emotional needs. But I just kept going and that insight was swept away. On the last full day of the binge, I was continuously and compulsively MBing, about to buy online P again, and - this was an escalation in my habit - beginning to think how I could act out with other people. It was mad.

I think there is a place for the kind of analysis I was attempting - I believe the type of P I viewed was helping me to meet some deep-rooted non S emotional needs - but it can only be part of a structured programme and only after I feel more secure in my recovery.

[Phil413]

Hi speedway,

I'm really sorry you went through such an awful binge, but it sounds like you've gained some really valuable insights from it. If nothing else, you've learned one more trick the Beast uses to trip you up. As they say, oftentimes the lessens that are bitter to learn are sweet to know.

Best of all, you sound like you're moving forward with a really positive attitude instead of beating yourself up. That's great! And hey, you went 22 days before. That's a real accomplishment! Well done.

Phil

By the way, in case you didn't see it, I've started up the 100 Days Goal here. Give us a post if you feel like joining in.

[Charly22]

I'm feeling sad about leaving the other board, even though some of the people have moved here. Even after a month, I felt part of a community and I had got to know people and shared the their struggle. I'm in two minds about trying to keep two journals on the go, although access is a big problem. I know I must prioritise my sobriety, so I will try to keep in touch with people over there. (It seems graceless joining a board, and moaning about having to leave another board, but I'm sure the old hands here are a forgiving bunch..

Glad to hear your thoughts and insights. Glad you have found TTF, and hope you feel welcome! I can certainly understand how you feel about leaving your original home, and coming to a new one.

TTF has been a wonderful place for me, I am a SO of a PA/SA. And I just learned about the workshops at RN, and am beginning to do the workshops for the partners. I feel loyal to this website and plan to post my exercises here. So, I understand how you are feeling about that.

But please squash those feelings, and welcome to TTF!

[Chris25]

Hey, Speedway.

Good to see you on here!

If NP didn't get you onto emoticons, I'm sure TTF will!

\:D/(hat)(bighug)

:-bd

Chris

[speedway]

I hadn't even noticed the emoticons! I was still reeling from the Chat Box. (hat)

[speedway]

TTF has been a wonderful place for me, I am a SO of a PA/SA. And I just learned about the workshops at RN, and am beginning to do the workshops for the partners. I feel loyal to this website and plan to post my exercises here. So, I understand how you are feeling about that.

But please squash those feelings, and welcome to TTF!

Thanks, Charly22. I hope to get what you've got from this site. So far so very good.

I started the PA recovery workshop at RN in 2007. It was very helpful, giving structure, the moderators / coaches were great and caring people etc. If anything, I went at it too quickly, eager to make my recovery all at once. I believe as long as I keep going forward each day, little by little, that's enough. I will start the first exercise tonight and post it here. That's a good idea. The thought of running round three or four boards was making me sulk!

I think it's great the SOs are so much part of the welcome here. Perhaps not quite the same at NP, although the person who has been one of the biggest influences in my recovery was an SO there.

Anyway, thanks for dropping by. I look forward to reading your exercises.

speedway

[speedway]

Best of all, you sound like you're moving forward with a really positive attitude instead of beating yourself up. That's great! And hey, you went 22 days before. That's a real accomplishment! Well done.

Thanks for the encouragement, Phil. A run of 22 days does give me some confidence, although the fact it ended dents it, too. But like you say, I've developed a really positive attitude. I'm aiming for emotional maturity, so it would be immature to just go back to where I was at the end of last year.

I tried to send you a PM about the 100 day goal thread, but couldn't for some reason. Perhaps will try on the old board.

Take care, man.

[speedway]

During the binge last week I wrote down my abstinence principles and rules again.

Aim

My goal is to live life free from P and MB and to gain emotional maturity.

Principles

I am not ashamed that I must learn from the beginning and that, in many ways, I still have the emotional maturity of a child.

I will take one day at a time. My goal is a life free from P and MB, but tomorrow's recovery can look after itself.

My life has been better since I started to tackle my addictive behaviour and its roots. It will continue to get better.

New addictions must not replace the ones I overcome.

There can be no recovery without staying clean, but staying clean is not recovery.

My recovery must keep going forward each day, even by an inch. If I am not going forwards, I am going backwards or sinking.

Honesty is my most important weapon.

I need no special knowledge or method. Honesty and my real values will take hold of me and set to work on all my feelings and problems.

I will be aware of my feelings and my motivations, especially with other people.

P teaches me nothing about my s*xuality or my s*xual feelings.

Good is better than perfect.

A slip is serious, but it does not need to become a relapse (or permission to have relapse).

Rules

I will always buy time in the face of an overwhelming urge. I will always log on to this board before acting out. In an emergency I will give myself an hour before acting out.

Abstain from:

P
MB

Avoid or stop:

S fantasy (espec couple in neighbourhood)
Non S daydreaming
People-watching / staring ("3 second" rule)
Touching / looking at myself
Weighing / measuring my body
Comparing myself with other men (especially hands and feet)
Aimless surfing (especially football and footballers)
Illness / ailment internet searches

[Daniel]

This is a great post speedway, thank you for displaying rigor in the wake of your last unpleasant return to the Old Way.

A couple of your principles grabbed my attention

I will take one day at a time. My goal is a life free from P and MB, but tomorrow's recovery can look after itself.

This is so important. Vorlan has mentioned the phenomenon of setting what amounts to unachievable goals (or at a minimum unrealistic goals) when we say things like "Never again!" or "I'll die first [one of my personal favorites]" etc.

Far better to be looking at your next 10 minutes instead of worrying over blowing up a month of sobriety.

There can be no recovery without staying clean, but staying clean is not recovery.

This is simply brilliant. Rule-following is not going to make us whole. We must learn to live.

My recovery must keep going forward each day, even by an inch. If I am not going forwards, I am going backwards or sinking.

Another really good one and the challenge of the moment for me. New ways to rationalize enter the mind all the time. Being lazy mentally only means slippage. "Don't take your eye off the ball" is another way I remember the importance [imperfectly may I add] of staying vigilant.

Honesty is my most important weapon.

Starting with myself! Am I being honest during my recovery? Am I in a better place than I was a day/week/month/year ago?

And your "what-to-do-in-case-of-emergency" plan is a good one. Of course plans only work when followed etc.

But no plan means planning to fail.

Welcome to TTF again and thank you for the great post,

Daniel

[FoolishMind]

WOW! Echoing Daniel here, but Speedway, Daniel is absolutley right, your attitude to this is quite simply sublime!

The key two quotes that stand out to me here are:

There can be no recovery without staying clean, but staying clean is not recovery.

and

Honesty is my most important weapon.

Absoluletely love the way you think. Keep that focus my friend and there will be nothing that you could not achieve.

Consider me a fan!

All the best
FM