Facing The Truth Recovery Journal

[facingthetruth]

Its Day 3 sober and Day 1 of my journal. I've been consumed by so many thoughts these past few days reading this site. Its been great and frightening at the same time. I never realized what a struggle I am in, but I do now. Its a battle for my freedom and I really am hopeful and optimistic again for the 1st time in ages.

The messages of support on the new member page have been encouraging. Its nice to know people are reading and that the care enough to write.

I have no idea how I will do this journal. Sometimes it will be long, sometimes short, sometimes self examining , some times questioning ...
I've dumped all the P I have in the apt. Its not much, I'm more of an internet PA. I don't feel bad about this or regretful about dumping it because I have used it so little. The difficult part for me is the PC and its easy access to P.
I know I have to fill my time better, as a single person living alone, loneliness, boredom and tiredness are my problems. I have started since Jan 1st to fill my time fully.
Monday evening walking.
Tuesday evening Salsa Classes(not sure how this will go, just did my 1st class)
Wednesday evening is my improvers swimming lesson.
Thursday is Photography Class
Friday and the weekend are free time. I hope to do more walking and less drinking. I'm not an alcoholic but I would usually go out one night over the weekend and have a good few drinks.
This does cause problems though, because after alcohol, there is a bit of a 'downer' and this has always lead to P use. So I have to work on weekend habits. Watch this space...

[rosie]

Welcome :) Thanks for posting your journal! It can be long short, or whatever you like! No limitations...

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

Hey FTT, I'm glad your learning a lot here & your developing a plan to fill your time with other endeavors. This a great thing to do, not only are you learning new hobbies. Your using exercise to to fight off your urges of P. I want to hear more about the salsa classes, as I may take a class similar to that. As far as your journal, it's ok if it's long or short. Just be honest with yourself & you'll do fine. I have only been here a little less than a month, I have seen a BIG change in my life through the way I act, say, & how I treat others. My SO has seen the new person I'm becoming. No matter what you post in your journal, it will be read by others & even though you may not know it, your words will be helping others. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Stay strong & have a blessed day.

[2frustrated]

Good idea to have your schedule planned out. P always seems to sneak itself in during "free" time.

[Bryan]

Welcome FTT,

Glad you started a journal, they can be very helpful. Don't worry about the format, just write it in the way you need it. It is for you after all, others may get things out from it, but ultimately this space is yours and as Matthew said, be honest with yourself and you'll be fine.

Something I've learned about in my journey is the acronym HALT, which means to try and not let yourself get to hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. These 4 areas of our lives can often be neglected and in those ways lead us back to the addiction. I think it is great that you are scheduling your time with all of these positive activities and that it will help you replace some of the need and desire for p. I'd say on top of it just make sure to pay attention to these feelings/needs as well.

[facingthetruth]

Hi all, thanks for the feedback. I'm writing this on my phone because I'm afraid to turn on the computer. What has been great is that I now know just how difficult this is and just how many rationalizations I can make. I feel if I turn on the pc for any reason tonight, I'll end up looking at p. This actually makes me feel physically a bit ill. It's like my conscious mind has spotted what my sub conscious is trying to do and my sub conscious is not happy. I feel a sense of fear that I won't be able to stay away. But I am firming my resolve. I can see why it matters to write here, who would I talk to otherwise. Tears are coming, I can feel them. It's just so difficult. I've busied myself all week. I'm afraid to have a drink in case it lowers my resolve. I really don't want to fall. I'm going to book a massage tomorrow to release some tension and treat myself on day 6. It hasn't been all bad but it is weird. It's like I know something is going on and I'm keeping a close eye on it so it doesn't trick me. My photography course is great. Salsa is such fun. It crazy all the different people you meet. After each few steps you rotate to another dance partner. This can be funny when you go from the serious looking 6ft polish girl; to the big bottomed Swedish girl whos a great dancer; to the south American with the big smile. Human diversity is truly wonderful. I'm not being derogatory or anything, it's just inherently funny when the person in front of you changes every minute. I'm sure the ladies are thinking the same. But I'll be back at them all next week.
That's it for now. An early night is in order. I'll be back soon.

[facingthetruth]

Almost a week. I have checked in here everyday and read some posts. There's so many, its been just a random dip into recovery journals. Seeing other people struggle makes me stop and think. It must be worth it if people are trying so hard. Emotionally I've been reasonably stable but I'm aware something is going on. I had an upset stomach, which I really think was withdrawal. I am going for the massage I promised myself now. I have to make a plan for the weekend to keep busy. Maybe a long walk tomorrow? I cant believe I have gone 6 days. thats a record without MB or P. I've decided to stop both. for me MB always starts me quickly back on p. I'm a bit worried about going out and being stimulated by the good lookers in the bars and clubs. I know how quickly a wave can sweep over me and in an instant I'd be back looking at p. I really dont want to go back.
I have noticed that I'm more aware of good looking guys when I walk around the city. I don't know if that could be a problem or not. I take it in but try not to indulge it. I hope everyone is being strong. Today was a better day than yesterday.
FTT

[2frustrated]

Whatever symptoms you experience, tell yourself they're just feelings and that they'll go away. In other words, you have to try and distance yourself from the feelings. This will help with any urges you get also.

I agree that avoiding the club scene will be a big help. One special look from somebody at a club can fill you with a cataract of feelings.

Do you have a close friend you can hang out with this weekend to talk to and keep you away from being alone with the potentiality of p?

[facingthetruth]

That's a record for me at home. It been a roller-coaster emotionally. Its so weird. I'm usually fairly even tempered but not a rock. However this week, emotions have popped up for no reason. Today I met a friend for coffee and as we sat down, I suddenly felt overwhelmed by emotions. it passed as I tried to focus on the conversation.
I have the feeling I'm just a heartbeat from using P. but I feel like that all the time. I just keep reading here and catching myself before I drift into rationalizing away reasons. or tricking myself into a place where its bound to happen. But its really hard. one thing I could do with advice on:
As a single person without a partner, I have no s*xual outlet, to be blunt. Therefore the idea of no MB for a long time is almost impossible. I also know that previously when I stopped p and start back with MB I was back on P the next day, so its the same drug almost. I'm wondering how other people have managed this. Is there a period of time when it will be safe or do I just have to look at it like p and stop for now, not thinking about forever?

I haven't been out to a bar for 3 weeks as I wanted some time out but I'm meeting a friend tonight. I won't be drinking alcohol or anything, just socializing. I find if i drink a couple of beers or more, the following day my libido is through the roof. I have a name for it. PASU Post-Alcohol S*xual Urge. I dont know why, perhaps others find this also?
In any case I will have to not drink for a while also, until I feel more on top of things. At the moment, its early days, but still a week, so I'm happy.

F

[Phil413]

As a single person without a partner, I have no s*xual outlet, to be blunt. Therefore the idea of no MB for a long time is almost impossible.

I know it seems that way at first, but it really is possible, and not only possible, but desirable. MB is a terribly unhealthy thing, as you've discovered. But our sex-saturated culture tries to make us believe that if we don't do it we'll explode, or go crazy or something.

If I may be blunt, too, that's B.S. I know men who have lived for decades without MB or a partner, and they're doing just fine. I myself have now gone fifty-one days without any deliberate release, and I feel great. I feel freer than I've felt in years. Most days I don't feel any desire for MB at all. I've finally realized that MB is just as much a drug as P is, and just as unhealthy.

I also know that previously when I stopped p and start back with MB I was back on P the next day, so its the same drug almost. I'm wondering how other people have managed this. Is there a period of time when it will be safe or do I just have to look at it like p and stop for now, not thinking about forever?

As you've noticed, P and MB are deeply intertwined. If you do either one, it'll lead you right back to the other. I know the idea of giving up MB forever is scary, but that's only because we've believed the lies we've been told, and we think we're giving up something we need. Truth is, it's just another addiction, and like all addictions, it wants us to think that happiness is impossible without it.

Phil