Phil's Journal

[Phil413]

I have a problem, and now I find myself in a place I never thought I'd be, confronting an addiction I didn't even know existed. After all, it's no big deal, right? Everybody does it, right?

Well, so I've been told. I've indulged in MB for about 35 years, almost daily for most of that time. I've used P off and on since my teen years, but in recent years, thanks to the Internet and easy availability, that use has become much more frequent.

For most of my life I honestly didn't know that I was doing something harmful, and, not being a spiritual person, the question of whether it was right or wrong didn't even enter into my thinking. It felt good, so why not? Then I converted to Christianity, specifically Catholicism, and I learned that these things were wrong, and they were harmful, not only to me but to those around me, too. So I stopped. For awhile. Little did I know the strength of the beast I'd befriended, or the persistence of the lies I'd internalized. Try as I might, I kept slipping back into its grasp.

So here I am. Usually, I can stay clean for a week or so without too much difficulty. Especially if I've been to Confession. I find the grace of that sacrament very powerful, if short-lived. Usually the next week after Confession is effortless. I don't even think about P or MB. But then, sooner or later, just when I think I'm done with it for good, wham! The beast ambushes me and drags me down again. In mere minutes I can go from not even thinking about it, to indulging in it. Then the tears come. And the funny thing is, even after literally years of experience with this same cycle over and over, I still wonder why I can't just not do it. I don't want to do it, after all. So why not just not do it? When I'm not being tempted that seems like a reasonable question.

One night, after yet another slip, in desperation I googled P addiction and I found this place. I've read many posts here, and learned a lot already.

Today is day 8. Yay! I'm starting this journal, and keeping a count of days, because I think that those actions in themselves will be powerful motivators for me. I also plan to do the workshop at RN.

And of course, I will pray. I believe that freedom from this beast is not possible without the grace of God, but it seems that He wants it to be a real victory; something we fight for, not something He merely gives us. Those of you who read this and are so inclined, please pray for me. The rest of you, please wish me luck.

Phil

[Phil413]

Day 9. So far, so good. Better than usual, actually. That is to say, the "effortless" phase is lasting longer than usual. These past nine days I've experienced no urges or temptations at all. I wish that would continue forever, but if the past is any guide, it won't.

Now I must guard against overconfidence. After all, it's easy to resist when you're not being tempted. The real test will come when the temptations come. I've got to remind myself that I haven't accomplished anything yet. A priest once told me that the opposite of lust is humility. Perhaps that's why, in the past, overconfidence at this stage has usually been followed quickly by a fall.

Phil

[Phil413]

Day 10. Yesterday went fine. I didn't experience any urges worthy of the name. I did, however, notice several times that sexual thoughts and images would play out in my mind. Indeed, sometimes I'm surprised how long they can play out before my conscious mind becomes aware of it and puts a stop to it.

The curious thing, and I've noticed this before, is that at this stage, such thoughts don't seem to provoke the urge to act out. They're just there. But here's where I have to be extra careful. If I indulge those thoughts once I become aware of them, thinking, gee, they don't seem to provoke me anymore, they very soon will provoke me. Maybe not this time, or the next time, but soon.

And they will tend to escalate, too. Some part of me will miss the feeling of being tempted, and if these thoughts don't cause that feeling, the mind will eventually seek out other thoughts that do, and the terrible cycle will repeat itself.

So, the important thing right now is to consciously reject such thoughts once I become aware of them. No nostalgia, no fondness. "I never use P or MB now," I say to myself. Then move on to something else, because lustful thoughts tend to get stronger the more I think about them, even if I'm thinking about rejecting them.

Remember, the Beast loves to fight, but hates to chase.

Phil

[Phil413]

Day 11!

Yesterday was pretty good until the evening. Then temptations began to arise. Not externally, but internally. And not so much thoughts as feelings. Cravings. I think the Beast has started to notice it hasn't been fed in awhile. I reminded it that "I never use P or MB now" and it went back to sleep. For now.

I've got to stay alert. Right now, in the light of day, and in the absence of any temptations, everything I've learned seems quite clear; obvious, even. But I know that when night comes, and temptations press close and hard, what seemed obvious in the light of day can seem vague and far-away. Is it really so evil? Would it really be so bad to give in to it one more time? I mean, one last time?

Here is where I've often fallen in the past, and precisely because I've tried to rise up and fight the Beast; argue back at it. But that's just playing it's game on its terms. It loves to fight, because it almost always wins, eventually. But it hates to chase, because fighting's the only way it can win. It can only hurt me when I'm paying attention to it. Even when I'm trying to reject it I'm thinking about it, and strengthening it.

422 years ago, a spiritual writer named Lorenzo Scupoli understood this well. He wrote:

The real remedy, as we have said, is to run away from all such occasions of sin. . . . In your meditations I am not of the opinion that, when the temptation is most violent, you should consider the degrading and insatiable nature of these sins in order to establish a hatred for impurity, that you should consider how they are followed by disgust, remorse and anxiety, even by the loss of one's fortune, health, life, honor, etc. These considerations are not appropriate to the situation and, instead freeing us from danger, they frequently only increase it. If the understanding drives away evil thoughts, these reflections naturally call them back.

The best way to become free of these is to remove not only the thoughts themselves, but also the reflections directly contrary to them. In attempting to dissipate them by their contraries, we merely renew the impure ideas and unconsciously imprint them still deeper. Be satisfied with meditation on the life and death of our Savior. If, while you are doing this, the same thoughts should return, even more disturbing than before, as may possibly happen, do not be discouraged or abandon your meditation, do not exert yourself in driving them away. Ignore and despise these miserable deceits of the devil and persist, with all possible attention, in your meditation on the death of our Savior. Nothing can be more effective in putting your enemy to flight, despite his determination to resist.

-The Spiritual Combat, chapter 19.

Phil

[Phil413]

Day 12!

Well, praise God, last night turned out to be easy. I was all set for a major battle and it never came. The few thoughts and urges that did come up were easily swatted aside. I ended up watching a few minutes of "Pride and Prejudice" (the 1940 version) on my iPod Touch, then I put the iPod under my pillow so I could listen to the movie while I fell asleep.

Oddly, the ease with which I've reached day 12 (a number I've reached only once or twice before) is a bit disconcerting. I'm thrilled that things are going so well and so easily, but I feel like the scene in the movie where someone says, "It's quiet," and the other guy says, "Yeah, too quiet." I know the Beast lies waiting, and I know there will be vulnerable moments to come. I can't and won't let down my guard. Our Adversary, the Devil, is nothing if not patient. He'll wait for years to trip me up, if that's what it takes. But God is much stronger than he is, and I am not unaware of the Devil's strategies (after all, I think I've fallen for most of them over the years).

I know that whatever victory I achieve is because of the grace of God, but I also know that grace is not magic. It empowers what I do, but doesn't do it for me. I still have to do the work which God enables me to do.

So, on a practical level, I think one big, perhaps decisive difference between this period of sobriety and my previous, short-lived efforts, is this board, and this journal in particular. Knowing that I'm going to come here in the morning and write about how I'm doing is incredibly motivating. And, stupid as it sounds, "keeping the streak alive" and watching the number of days go steadily up is even more motivating. Yes, I'm that pathetic.

Phil

[Phil413]

Day 13!

Still pretty smooth sailing, I'm happy to report. No temptations or urges worthy of the name. Apparently, my subconscious thought I needed some kind of release, though, because I had a very vivid dream last night, of a type I haven't had in a very long time. At first I wished it hadn't happened because it felt vaguely like cheating, even though I had no control over it and did nothing to bring it about. Now I feel indifferent to it, except that I hope the memory of it won't be a temptation in the future. So far it's not.

I'm trying to guard against the overconfidence that has so often been my downfall in the past. No matter how free I feel today, I know that I haven't really accomplished much yet. I haven't really been tested yet. This is the point in my recovery where I can poke the Beast with a stick and it doesn't move. I think, "Great, maybe it's finally dead." But when I'm not looking it opens a malignant eye and a slight grin plays across its reptilian face. It's not dead; it's not even sleeping. It's just waiting for its moment. May God give me the wisdom to recognize that moment when it comes, and the grace to endure it without yielding to it.

Phil

[Phil413]

Day 14!

Wow, two weeks. That feels really good! Everything's still going really well, recovery-wise. But again, that's only because I haven't experienced any serious temptations yet. Usually they come after about a week of sobriety, so I'm really surprised they haven't come yet. I'd love it if they never did, but I'm not counting on it. Sooner or later, I expect to be ambushed by them. And that's what worries me. It only takes that one moment of weakness, that one moment of letting the guard down, of not caring. And, human nature being what it is, it's awfully hard to remain vigilant 24/7.

Still, here I am at two weeks. Twice as long as usual and still going strong. I'm not going to let my worries about the future cloud my celebration of the present. I'm going to enjoy this milestone and then move on. And I'm going to remember that this isn't about racking up a certain number of days and declaring victory. This is about a new way of living, for the rest of my life. Two weeks, two months, two years, two decades . . .

Phil

[Phil413]

Day 15!

I'm still doing well, believe it or not. I had a few urges yesterday and this morning, and a few images popped into my mind, but nothing major. They were all easily shrugged aside. But I also noticed something beginning to grow in the background. Not so much a desire for anything specific, but more like a vague hunger. Perhaps this is the beginning of withdrawal. I've felt it before. The feeling will grow and grow, and eventually cause terrible anxiety and a sort of dread; real white-knuckle stuff. I think what often causes me to relapse is not the desire to experience p or mb, but the desire to end the awful feelings of the temptation itself. In other words, it's not so much pleasure-seeking as pain-relieving.

What I need to remind myself is that temptations always pass. No matter how intense they may be, they don't last forever. I know this for a fact because there have been times when I've resisted some pretty intense temptations. Hours later, I always felt just fine. I need to remember that. When the Beast argues that if I just give in, all the emotional turmoil will go away, I need to acknowledge that that is true, but that a whole bunch of other bad feelings will be the result. But if I resist it, the emotional turmoil will go away, too. It may take longer, but the result is oh-so-much better!

Phil

[Phil413]

Day 16!

Yesterday was a little tougher than it had been. A couple of times I felt an urge wash over me, and I had to consciously tell it "no" and force myself to move on to something else. That seemed to work, though. The urges didn't last long and they weren't particularly strong (probably because I cut them off before they could really take root). Thanks be to God!

In some ways I think of the battle between the grace of God in me and the Beast in me as if they were two dogs fighting. Which one will win? Probably whichever one I feed. I can feed the grace of God in me by reading the Bible, praying, practicing loving kindness toward those around me, humbly asking for yet more grace, etc. Or, I can feed the Beast by dwelling on impure thoughts, savoring the memory of past sins, longing for more, etc. If I feed the Beast in this way, I'm just asking for trouble, because the Beast is very obedient in one thing, and one thing only: It always comes when called!

Phil

[Phil413]

Day 17!

Yesterday was a fairly normal day in terms of my everyday life, but it was a great day in terms of this addiction! I didn't experience a single urge all day long. P and MB didn't even cross my mind, except in a detached, clinical sort of way when I was reading posts on this board.

I love days like that! They give me a taste of what normal life must be like. In the past I'd be tempted to think I'd finally "beaten" this thing once and for all. But I've gone on to relapse so many times after thinking that that I know it's not true. It's a remission, not a cure. But I sure am grateful for it. Thanks be to God!

This morning was another positive experience. I woke up around 4:00 and couldn't get back to sleep. In the past it's been precisely at times like that that I relapsed. Those are the most dangerous times for me. But this morning I didn't feel the slightest temptation. I just put on some soothing music and waited patiently to fall back to sleep, which I eventually did. So thanks be to God yet again!

Phil