RogerDodger's Journal

[rogerdodger]

OK, so here we go;

Feeling a bit more confident this morning after really struggling yesterday - I didn't actually watch any P. but was messing about on the computer and got horribly close to falling back into my old ways. Fortunately, the missus is back today and I've planned a few activities outside the house that will keep me busy and, above all, thinking about other things.

Here's to another day P. free.

[paddingtonbear]

Well done Roger ! You need to create a book of...."Positive Dodges" !!! Keep it going .

Padders

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Glad to hear that you didn't look.If you are tempted at all the best thing to do is to walk away from the computer. Or even better, when you are on the computer, and you feel like clicking away, instead of going to a harmful site, come to TTF, and start reading post from other people. I am just happy to see that you are here to get the help that you need.

Good luck on your recovery

[rogerdodger]

Sounds like an excellent plan, PB!

Today, has been so much easier because I have been out and about. Keeping the mind busy seems to make a lot of difference. I've come home, hopped on to the computer and feel absolutely no desire to search for P. at all. however, i'm still going to hide the internet dooberry in the missus' car tomorrow, so as to place temptation out of harm's way (not sure if this counts as positive dodge no.1 or not?!).

in need of help - thanks for your comments. i agree that coming to tff before doing anything else online is a really good idea. it puts you in the right frame of mind and acts as a reminder that you need to work at this each and every day.

[Mac]

Hey Roger
Welcome to the wonderful world of TTF.
Changing old habits is a start in the right direction. A big change is to start using the computer only when neccessary and when you really have no reason to be on, don't be. Gone are the days for you to be able to go to the computer just for something to do. I am a big fan of PA's having a filter on their computers. Some people disagree with this, but i have had one on both my computers pretty much right from the start and my wife has the password. I'm not computer savvy enough to get around it. To each there own but it may be something to consider.
INOH has the right idea, if you have the urge to use your computer, come to TTF and come often

Good luc]k my friend
Mac

[rogerdodger]

All in all, it’s been a good day. I’ve been out and about, keeping myself busy and working (vaguely) hard. What’s more access to the internet has been strictly limited so there have been no real opportunities for doing anything untoward. I’ve never really had a problem at work, it’s just when I get home that the mind starts to wander. That’s the good news. However, I would like to mention something that happened yesterday as it again flags up the importance of remaining vigilant, even on the most restful of days. Last night, I spoke to my partner about how I was getting on and we had an open and honest conversation about what I was doing and needed to do. At that moment, I was feeling really good about myself, our relationship and the future and then, all of sudden, what should pop into my mind but an image from a P. film. That’s right, even during this intimate moment with my partner, when everything seemed to be progressing so well, my mind contrived to dig up something from my P. past. It’s at times like this, that I realise how much work I’m going to have to do to get past this problem. A lifetime of habitual behaviour is not going to change in two or three weeks. If only it were that easy!

Others have spoken about the feeling of almost having a split personality when it comes to P. On the outset everything looks fine and in front of other people we, by and large, behave like good, honest folk. And yet, there’s this part of us that wants to fail, to become a slave to P. again. On reflection, I think this must have something to do with self-esteem issues and the idea that if you fail, it’s almost easier, because then you can live up to the negative view you have of yourself. I do have self-esteem problems, it’s been a constant feature of my life, since childhood, and this is obviously something I will need to work at more if I’m ever going to get to the bottom of this. I guess, it’s the difference between wanting P. and denying yourself the (temporary) pleasure on a daily basis and actually getting to the stage why you don’t want it anymore, because the feelings that you once needed to address or fulfil, don’t matter to you. Hope that makes some sort of sense.

RD

Might not be your cup of tea but I’m getting a lot of pleasure from listening to this at the moment;

YouTube - Hot Chip I Feel Better
(note that this clip DOES NOT feature the original video of the song, just in case)

I do feel better and I’d like to thank you all for your contribution to this feeling.

[Phil413]

And yet, there’s this part of us that wants to fail, to become a slave to P. again.

It seems like it sometimes, doesn't it? I can remember times when I'd endure just enough temptation to feel like I'd made an effort to resist. Then this other part of me would rub its hands in glee because now it could say, "Oh, well, I tried," and go off and do what it wanted to do all along.

Phil

[rogerdodger]

"Then this other part of me would rub its hands in glee because now it could say, "Oh, well, I tried," and go off and do what it wanted to do all along"

Ain't that the truth. I've got another one at the moment, which goes something like this; 'OK, everything is going pretty well. So what's it going to hurt to have a look? You're not going to be affected, it'll be just like a little experiment to prove how far you've come. In fact, it'll be the ultimate test because you'll look at it, find out you don't want it anymore (Ha!) and then go and do something else'.

At the moment, I'm almost amazed by some of the mental gymnastics that is going on in my head. Fortunately, I've got this place to come to when I start to feel like I'm falling.

[speedway]

At the moment, I'm almost amazed by some of the mental gymnastics that is going on in my head.

As a long-practicing PA i can believe most things. My most bizarre one is looking at P as a reward for not looking at P.

Keep with it, RD.

[Phil413]

'OK, everything is going pretty well. So what's it going to hurt to have a look? You're not going to be affected, it'll be just like a little experiment to prove how far you've come. In fact, it'll be the ultimate test because you'll look at it, find out you don't want it anymore (Ha!) and then go and do something else'.

Ah, yes, the old "let's prove how far I've come and how it doesn't affect me anymore" line. It's not lust, it's a diagnostic tool!

Sheesh. Isn't it amazing the stupid things we otherwise intelligent people will believe when temptation strikes? I mean, stuff we would never believe when we're in our right minds. Amazing.

Phil