Emilio's journal

[emilio]

Today is day 16th of my recovery from pornography.

Yesterday I slept at my best friend's house and we watched a movie. A great movie, by the way; it's called "LAes sept jours du Talion". Great photography. My friend found it boring, though.

Right after it was over, my friend wanted to watch some TV. It was late, we were alone, and he started zapping channels: I knew what he was looking for. So I pulled my blanket and tried to sleep.

Fortunately, he turned off the TV shortly afterwards.

It was funny to do that, because normally I'm the one who always is looking for porn. I'm the naughty one. He, on the contrary, is the serious one. He's had an eternal relationship with a girl he's planning to marry. While me, I'm always looking for short-term relationships and, yeah, for porn.

So it was strange to become the serious one for a while.

As none of us could sleep, we talked for a long time with the lights off. And I finally told him I'm a pornoholic. Didn't say that exactly, though. I told him about the essay I didn't do because I was too busy watching pornography, and I told him about this site, even though I didn't say its name cause I don't want him to read this.

So I hope he's gonna help me from now on, instead of making it harded by looking for porn in front of me. It was actually with him that I watched porn sixteen days ago. But now it's different 'cause I actually told him. What a relief.

Anyways, it's not watching porn with him what worries me the most. Pornography is a lonely thing, and when you use it with friends, it can't be more than a silly thing.

What worries me more is when I'm alone in front of my computer, and have nothing special to do. Like right now. Or when I do have plenty of things to do, but I just don't feel like doing anything useful.

There are times when I don't want to do nothing. Nothing is interesting. Even if the reason why I'm doing 2 careers is that I have many interests, sometimes I just don't like anything.

That's when I look at porn, even if I don't feel horny. Porn is my only weapon against boredom. But it's gone, now. I have no weapon against boredom. The spleen can come at any moment and embrace me.

But this time, I will let the spleen take hold of me. Anyways, it's OK to feel sad from time to time; I even think that melancholy is a precious feeling: it's the appropriate moment to write poetry.

Anyways, I think I'm leaving now. My mom is watching some TV; I'm gonna watch some TV with her, cause I seriously doubt that she is going to start zapping channels, looking for porn.

[an onymous]

Hi mate,

Great post. I am also a hyperactive fellow (with OCD) and I end up doing porn as a way of not doing anything. I think we need to learn to really do nothing when that's what we feel at a time. The problem with P is that it's not real rest and my head ends up full of images. I already have too much noise in my head.
Congratulations on your 16th day. Today is my first.

Best wishes,

f

[IN NEED OF HELP]

emilio

How you doing. Well i want to say that 16 days are real good. i am glad to see that you came back on to post this. Never find a way from this site. As you may already see, it is a great for all of us who want to win this fight. It was great that you told your friend about your P problems.

You said:::

So I hope he's gonna help me from now on, instead of making it harded by looking for porn in front of me. It was actually with him that I watched porn sixteen days ago. But now it's different 'cause I actually told him. What a relief.

All i can say is that , if he is truly a FRIEND, he will try to help you, by not watching it in front of you. But you may need to remind him once in a while until he can see that you are very serious about it. You never know, just by him seeing that you no longer want to have porn in your life anymore, he may see that he no longer wants it in his. Just keep up the fight on this. try to never give in to temptation. Porn is a very cleaver addiction, for it can sneak up on us at any given time.

Good luck with this. I will check in to see how you are doing

[JenMac]

HI Emilio!
What a great post! What great insights you are having about your problem it's affects on you, about your triggers and about the people around you. You seem to aware of so much, you have done a lot of thinking about this.
Emilio, I have done a lot of thinking about this addiction too and I am wondering about it's power over people. I think that often people who become addicted are people who are not happy in their lives, people who are looking outside of themselves to fill themselves up. Does that make sense? That is why I was interested when you said that boredom is a huge trigger for you. I am coming to believe that if you can fill yourself up from the inside out, you will become a happier person which will in turn mean that you don't need this in your life. Agree? By surrounding ourselves with healthy, positive habits and thoughts we are encouraged to live a more balanced, a more fulfilling life.
I believe in the power of gratitude Emilio. By recognizing what we have in our lives to be thankful for, it can set us on a positive path! You have started along that path! Congratulations!
Welcome to TTF!
Jenn

[emilio]

Thank you, JenMac, Gerald and An Onimous for your support and kindness, and sorry for not writing back earlier.

I have been doing many different things, and until today I didn't feel like I need to write down some things here. I think I have a big strenght of will, because I haven't washed porn since my last post, which is GRRRRREAT! cause now I have been almost a month without my lonely and hideous pornography.

Instead of watching porn, have masturbated with my own fantasies (not other people's), I have read (I'm reading Madame Bovary from french writer Flaubert), I've had sex with my date (we're not boyfriends: we're just dating but I like her) and I have been running in the mornings, among other many things. And last but not least, I had a conversation about porn addiction with two friends of my friend Alejandro, the guy I was talking about on the previous post.

And I realized porn is just EVERYWHERE. And also that it's pretty complicated for people to admit that they watch porn. As for me, funny enough, it's easier to say that I'm a porn addict, than to say that I look regulary at porn: the former makes me feel less like a pervert. (But I AM a pervert! I won't deny it!)

Today, porn has been a little more difficult to fight, because a woman made me horny. It's a painter from another city who has arrived to Bogotá and met my mom in her meditation group. Given that my mom is also a painter, she told my mom that she wants to be her friend: that's a weird proposition, like "hey, I want to be your friend, let us be friends"! Obviously my mom said OK and now she hangs out a lot around here.

And she's nice. In the middle of the lunch conversation, she told me she would make a portrait of me, and then asked me about my eye colour, and also talked about my hair, and asked me if I am a "rumbero" (somebody who likes to go out a lot and dance and drink alcohol) and I told her that I go out to discos only on vacation.

And then, she went back to my mom's workshop to paint. And me, I went just after her. We were alone, and she asked me my astrology sign, and I told her, "fish" and then she told me that our signs were very... she didn't finished the sentence, but I'm sure she was talking about sexually compatible.

To tell you the truth, I just love that kind of situations where a woman flirts with you. I love it. Anyways, nothing special happened there with her, but I'm sure something is gonna happen. And, for the rest of the day, I've been horny. I went to a shop with my mom and I could'nt stop looking at women, young or old. As I said, I'm a pervert. (alrm)

And I watched some borderline video with my sister about increasing breast size using Fotoshop. But it was WITH my sister, and I think that THAT little detail changes everything.

Anyways, I'll keep working hard, I'll do many, many things these days before the beginning of the university semester, and I'll try to come here more often to say hi and to read other people's stories.

Thank you very, very much, and I hope that you are working hard as I am.


Emilio

[emilio]

Hi everybody.

I'm back. Since I wrote for the last time, I have been very busy with college stuff: I study in two universities at the same time, so when I'm intra-semester I pretty safe from porn, because I happen to be pretty responsible with my study.

But now I'm in vacation. And I'm in greater temptations.

Last wednesday I slipped into porn. It was just a slip in the sense that I just watched the beginning of two or three porn movies I have on my hard disk. It was only the beginning: the boring initial chat, and as soon as they took their clothes off, I would stop viewing. That's what I did, but still I felt bad afterwards, kinda frustrated, because I thought I had overcome it. But, obviously, it's not true.

My last post was in January. Since then, two important things happened related to my porn addiction. First, I told my friends about it (well, some of them, the ones I was closer with at the moment). They laughed 'cause they couldn't believe it was really an addiction. Here in Colombia, it's very unusual to consider porn as an addiction: you could say we have stronger addictions ;) but it's not really because of that: it's because of our culture, but that's a very complicated topic I won't be discussing right now. Thing is I told them about my addiction, and when they believed me, I was somehow relieved. There was a girl among them, and the fact that a girl knows about my little problem is relieving: when I watch porn, I feel like I'm a looser, that I'm not able to get a girl, and that I'm probably gay.

The other important thing that happened is that I went to Japan. The first day I was lost, so I went to a library to get help, and it happened to be a very huge porn store. And then, when I finally got to the hotel, there was free porn movies available in my room. So I couldn't help watching porn, but it was actually that kind of sensored hardcore that japanese love, and that made me feel different about it. I didn't watch too much. I also went out with a girl, so that helped me as well.

It's hard not to watch porn.

But I'm glad I can write here whenever I want. It's a great help. Thank you.




Emilio