My road to a new life

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Well I guess it is about time I start one of these journals. As I write this I am so proud to say I am 36 days clean. But im not ready to start doing back flips just yet. Thou I feel so good about my road to a better life, I still feel so bad for allowing myself to get caught up in this very sick addiction. I really feel bad and sadden that I put my family through so much pain. Even thou my Lady has stood by my side, and is helping me thru all of this, I still see her pain, and I know she is still hurting so deep inside. But I just try my best to help her thru her pain. But it is not easy helping her, since im the reason she is hurting so bad. But things are going so much better here at home. I see us getting a little bit more closeness together, and we are laughing together, and spending more time together as a couple. A few days ago we went on a DATE, and saw a movie. That my friends, felt so good. I can’t wait to see my BEAUTIFUL Lady be 100% happy again

But I do need to be honest in seeing that I have a long hard road ahead of me. I have been feeling so good in my recovery that I guess I allowed myself to get too comfy with it. But I woke up one morning, and had a very stressful few days with my problem. I almost allowed my self to give in just so I can relief some of my tension I was feeling.. Never in my life have I ever wanted to look at P as bad as I wanted to the last couple of days. I saw myself becoming a pain in the ass to be around, I didn’t care about anyone else’s feelings, and I just cared about me and me alone. So that did cause a lot of tension between me and my Lady. When I realized that maybe I was going thru withdrawals, I walked in and told my lady how I was feeling, and that I wanted to just look at P once, and I was struggling with it in my head and heart. She was happy I was honest with her, and she said she knew something was wrong, because she saw me acting like a real jerk and ass. But she told me, there is no excuse for me to start looking at it anymore, that if I wanted to have her in my life, I would think twice before I clicked on it. She told me that anytime I feel like looking at it, to first close my eyes, and remember the pain I put her through. She said she is never to allow me to put her thru that much pain again, so think real hard before you look. I respect her for telling me the way it is. I know the minute I start looking, the will not be another chance for me. I assured her that she will never feel that pain again.

Well I am going to my SAA meeting, and I love the group that is there, and I love going to them. I hate driving 25 miles to get to it, but I figure I would drive that distance to act out with my problem, so it should be no problem to dive it to get help..

But in all cases I do feel good about my recovery. I am so determined in my heart to rid myself from this addiction. And with the love a support I have from my family here at home, and from the family here at TTF I will beat this. And I will not stop fighting till I beat this 100%

[chasman62]

Nice post! Didn't you see the trademark symbol by the title of my journal!! Just kidding.

All the best.

Chas

[IN NEED OF HELP]

sorry chas i thought i went back in to change the title. i dont want to go to court cause i stole a trademark

[JenMac]

HI INOH!
I am sorry you are suffering with urges at this time! It seems that that goes with the territory as you try to recover from this addiction. Doesn't make it easier but at least you know it is normal through all of this.
I can see that you are not wanting to put your partner through any more pain. That is very good. It can give you a jump start in your recovery. However, I think as you go along in your recovery, you will find you will discover reasons to do this for yourself. You will recognize how this has affected you, physically and mentally and socially, how it has impacted your moral values, your self respect. I know you are definately feeling some of that now, as I have read much of what you have written. But I think you will understand it on deeper levels as you go along in your recovery. At least that is what has happened in our case.
It is a process INOH! Each understanding becoming deeper and more clear as time goes on. Once you come to a true understanding, hopefully you will never want to go back there again!
Keep going strong! You are worth the battle!
All the best!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Thank you Jen very much for you reply. I always love the words of wisdom that you type.

well i am feeling so much better today. i do not know why i allowed myself to come so weak in my recovery that i wanted to go look at P. and i am so glad i didn't even peak a little. I know i am so very determined to rid myself from this addiction. i can see how many years was wasted because of my use in P. i feel sicken that i have even to allow it in my life in the first place. but i guess we cant worry about that as long as we are trying to get it out of our life. I was so upset with myself last week that on Christmas day i did not go to my SA meeting. but i had to be home cause my grandkids where over at the house. I see that when i miss one of theses meetings, my thoughts kind of wonder into things that they should not be wondering into..It felt so great going to my meeting on New years day. i was in the company of my new family,and i was welcomed with open arms from them. felt so good to be there and tell them about my troubles i was going thru. THE BEST THING ANYONE CAN DO, IS TO START ONE OF THESES MEETINGS. I find myself loving Saturday morning, knowing that at 10:00 am i will be with them
Well i just wanted to post a little something in my journal today, and i hope i can keep it going.

Thank you to all of you at TTF for the love and support we all get here

[grasshopper]

Well I think you may have persuaded me to try SAA again. I had a very bad experience there about 20 years ago and never went back, but I read a lot of good stuff about meetings on this forum so I think I will have another go.

I have noticed that those who go the distance with this journey all see to have a few different strategies in place. Maybe SAA should be one of them.

Keep it up

hopper

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Just want to say i am feeling very good today. Head is clear of any bad thoughts. Life with my Lady is getting better every passing day. But we still go through our bad times. I have noticed that when i get into my ruts, in wanting to act out, it is because i am not fighting hard enough to stay sober. I see that this is not only a every day struggle, but it is also a every minute struggle. I need to be on gard every second of everyday. I see that temptations can creep up on me at any given time. I think this is my 38th day free of P, but not sure. I am focusing on my recovery i guess more than worrying about days. But all i can say is that i feel great. I can not feel this good without the respect and support from all of you here at TTF. A >:D< To all of you

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

I'm with you in how you feel. I'm tempted by the darkside everyday. Just when I think it gets a little easier, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I haven't given in yet & don't plan to.You have too much going for you to give in now. Stay strong my friend & you shall overcome. I will keep you & your Lady in my prayers.

[JenMac]

HI INOH!
So happy to hear things are going well for you and your lady! It is so great that you are working together to overcome this!
You are smart to keep up your guard, to work a plan! That is what will keep you on the path!
I like how you are reaching out to so many here as well! It gives back more than we can imagine, doesn't it?
Thanks for all you do! Keep going strong!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Well it seems like i am still on the right track. I want nothing more than to rid myself form this addiction. Went to my SAA meeting this morning, and it was good. I love being in the room, face to face with others who are just as sick as i am. in the beginning, i was not to sure how i would do at the meeting, because when i walked in the time, there was two women there. so i wasn't sure if i was going to be able to talk, without disrespecting them in one way or the other. But when they started telling about there life, and what they was going through, that made me feel so much better. I guess i never really thought about women going thru the same things that us men go thru. So each week now i plan on sharing more about me to all there.. I always have a lot to say, but depending on how many people are there that day, we usually only get about 4 to 5 minutes each for sharing. I see that i may need to try to go to a meeting in the middle of the week just to balance things out for me. but no matter what city they are in, they all are about the same distant, right at 25 miles each way. I have become a true believer in these face to face meetings. If anyone thinking about going, but they are finding it hard to get to the first on, PLEASE make it.. YOU will be so glad that you went. All meeting are different, so you may need to go to one a few times to see if that one is good for you. I f not, try another until you find that one that you feel good with , i have a lot of great people in the one i go to, so to me, it is well worth the 25 miles it takes to get there.

Thank you to all of you here at TTF, for all of your support. I could have not come this far in my recovery without each and everyone of you here