My journal

[need2change]

Hi

You may have seen my first post at this site over at the new member forum…

2011 has started with a real big step...


Here's why I'm trying to break my PA and MB addiction…

1) I spend too much money on joining P sites. However much I have tried to only look at free sites I can't help myself. The urge to hunt down a new site and then join it is too much. 99% of the time once I join it's a real disappointment. I then download as much as I can in the month and then cancel before moving on. Hence how I got to over 125Gig on the latest of these cycles.

2) I find myself looking at P on the laptop more and more when the family are in the same room. This is SOOOOO wrong.

3) Whenever I see a nice woman on the TV or even worse in real life I have sexual thoughts and thinking about MB. Even typing this now is making me really want to MB. This has got be be wrong.

4) Linked to no 3, when I am driving or out and about (or at work) I fell I have to check out eery single woman I see and wonder what they are like sexually. Again, I have now realised how wrong this is.

5) Now - this seems to go against other things I have read at this site, but I have the problem with my wife that I don't last for very long with her, whereas when I am MB I can last on the edge for hours. I really think now that it's a guilty thing with her. I want that to stop.

6) I feel I ma hiding a second life away from my family. This has been reinforced by the feeling I got when I deleted all of my P yesterday from the laptop. A real feeling of a weight off my shoulders was realised.

7) Every opportunity I get with an empty house the first thought in my head is 'right, lets MB'. If it's a chic between going out with the family or making an excuse to stay at home, then I'd stay at home.

So - for now I think they are all my reasons. I'm so glad I've just realised all of these things.

I have so many questions but I guess the one that's really in my head (which again illustrates just how bad my problem is) is:

Is it OK to MB without P? Or should I stop completely? If I can, should I stay away from all stimulus? Or can I use non P images - say of the wife (in every day photos)?

Thanks for listening.

I will post here as ouch as I can with updates on my progress - and I will also tweet at @StoppingPA

[Mac]

N2C
Welcome to TTF. You have definately come to a good place for help in recovering from PA. Only through time and dedication will you realize what a significant role all the resources and people of this site will have on you.
Your list of reasons to quit was a good idea. It gives you a sort of guideline to get you started in the right direction.
From your description of your activities and certainly one that really struck a chord here, was sitting with your laptop with your family. Your addiction obviously runs pretty deep. P has taken over your life, I think you can see that, but really coming to understand and take ownership of this is a process that takes a lot of time and commitment.
You talk a lot about how your addiction drives and affects your day to day life, but there are a lot of hidden affects that just aren't visible at this time. Only through time away from P will you start to realize fully the affects this has on you, physically, emotionally and even spiritually. The affect this has on your relationship with your wife, your children, everybody around you.
Myself, I am a recovering PA, 9 months P free and something that has really been a tough thing to come to terms with has been learning just how emotionally disconnected I had become. I was simply not present anymore within my own life.
You ask the big question, is MB OK.
Well, for normal people it is absolutely ok, for a person who wants to start on a road to recovery from PA, in my opinion it can have no place at all. We are PA's and P and MB is the reason we are all here. When it comes to our addiction the 2 are 1.
When I started in my recovery the first thing I did was install a filter on my computers. ( K-9 or Covenenant eyes are a couple) My wife has the password.
You have to look at ways of changing your routine. Go out with you family instead of staying home. Don't spend any idle time on your computer. Stay completely away from any computer activities that get you searching ( facebook, you tube).
Something that was big for me, was searching out and getting info on anti P. There is a ton of it out there. Now this can involve searching on your computer, for me my wife did a lot of this for me, but I assume your wife is not yet aware of you being here. So this itself could prove to be a bit of an issue, be careful.
A real good book that a lot of people here found very helpful was the Porn Trap.
Anyway Need 2 Change, I appologize for being so long winded here but I sometimes get on a roll.
Be sure to ask questions when you have them. There are so many good people here that will jump in to do what they can to help.
2011 is a brand new year. What a great time for change.
This is a battle that can be won.
Good luck my friend, you are not alone.

Mac

[need2change]

As a first reply - I couldn't have asked for more! Thanks very much Mac.

You're right - my wife doesn't know. And although I see the benefits of coming clean to her and admitting my problem, I don't want to harm our relationship by raising it. I will see how it goes though. If I fall back then I will tell her so she understands and can help.

[need2change]

Well, I made it through day 2. The only dodgy moment was when I downloaded some software to my Mac and went to the Download folder… I didn't realise I had so much P in there. Saw a couple of thumbnail previews but restricted the urge to have a look and instead hit delete straight away again.

Avoided MB too, but did have some act from the wife. Felt bad though - as I always expect her to 'perform' when I want… again I think this is another sign of PA.

I didn't get a great night's sleep - as the wife didn't turn her phone off - so the email alerts cam through at 3.30am!

I hate waking during the night - I get real depressed at times and think about work too much. Again - could this be a side effect?

Anyway - feel better now.

So - day 3 here we come!

[rosie]

Welcome :) Congrats for taking this step!

Your wife already knows. Whether you tell her or not she knows. She knows that you have turned away, she feels it. It breaks her heart.

I hope you are at a place to tell her soon.

Your relationship is already harmed, only.. she thinks it is her. She doesn't know it's P. She thinks she is just unlovable. Trust me, I am a wife of a pa/sa and until I knew, i felt it. I thought he didn't love me.

You will share when you are ready but I just couldn't not say something.

I admire your courage to face this..good luck to you.x

[2frustrated]

Reading how deeply entrenched you are in PA made me very sad. Some or all of those things are bound to happen to us if we continue with p. Imagine if we could have seen what p would eventually do to us the first time we viewed it!

The fact that you brought it all out in the light on this site shows the determination you have to recover, and what really matters to you: family, freedom, self-worth. Keep up the fight, and continue to come to this site.

[chasman62]

First and foremost welcome to TTF. There are lots of wonderful, welcoming, people on here who can offer you lots of help. We have (all the PAs at least) been pretty much exactly where you are now, and believe me none of the things that you said in your first post are at all surprising to any of us. Been there and done that.

I would concur with what Mac said in that I believe a period of complete abstinence is really the only way to 'clear' your head and start working on true recovery. Without that you will never, I believe, be really free from those urges. It is amazing how to start with you never think they will subside, and then they do and your mind seems so much freer.

I would also agree with Rosie that your SO knows something is wrong. The level of isolation required to be a full-blown pa/sa is so great that you inevitably are shutting her out and she feels that. She may not have verbalized it to you but it is there. You have the option (unlike many of us) of picking how and when you disclose this but I dont believe you can repair yourself and your relationship without that honesty. There will always be this 'thing' between you and, for me, having my SO as my accountability partner was huge. She owns the computer passwords, email passwords, locks on the TV remote etc etc...all of which provides her reassurance and (especially in the beginning) was important for me to avoid temptation.

Wishing you all the best.

Chas

[hellron]

Welcome to the hardest, most painful, most soul-searching adventure you'll ever undertake - and the most rewarding.

I'm only a few weeks in to my "latest and last" recovery from PA (although I've been struggling to 'fix' things for the last 10 years or so), however I can most definitely recommend heading over to 'recoverynation' (google for it - due to forum rules I can't link directly)

There's workshops there, including those for the addict, their partner, and a 'couples workshop' for those that wish to work together to find health.

It's been invaluable to myself and my wife, and I urge you to have a good look around the content there..

.. but still come here to post :)

Good luck, stay strong, and remember - you're worth it, even if you don't think you are right now

-- HR

[need2change]

Today could be hard. Back at work for first time. So many women I've thought of sexually. Will really try to resist urge to think those MB thoughts.

[need2change]

Well, the last couple of days haven't been too bad.

It's been quite hard on occasions to stop my mind wondering. What I've forced myself to do is if I see a woman I would have fantasised about before I am now only allowed one look. No more turning round to have another sneaky (probably not so!) look. By doing this I've realised just how much I gawped in the past (!) and also how much of the sexual thoughts would happen on that second look. It feels real good when I just walk on now and ignore the MB thoughts.

Tonight was difficult though coming home from work. On a Wed night the family are out at a Taekwon-Do lesson. I then join them at 7.30 - so I could have the house to myself for 90 mins. You could guess what my 'normal' routine would be…. drive home with the thoughts of what type of P I would access and how I would MB. So, tonight it's a post on here instead and then get to Taekwon-Do early to spend more time with the family :)