LIfe on Lives Terms

[RootedinGod]

12/29/2010
My name is Paul, I picked BadToad because I used a variation of that name in my PA use. I thought it would help me keep my mind on track. Married 22 years :D ( only one marriage ) older teen boys. I think am a good person, but could be much much better!

So how does one write a journal about something so intimate. We seldom tell people about what we like to eat alone or what we think about ourselves and here we are telling all the world about a secret, society looks down on even worse then an drug addicts.

I am 48 years old and have been looking at adult material regularly since I was about 35. I think before then the I could see myself changing, the sneaking down to the local shop grabbing a few mags a candy bar and bottle JD. My Drug and alcohol use was complimented by my porn use.
The struggles began when I would sneak and lie, that behavior crept up on me, soon I was lying to go loaded and watch porn.
1998 was a good year for me to rip ppl off with the upcoming of a new well known online auction service I began setting up account and selling stuff that I didn't have. I fed my addiction of porn by taking from others.

This went on until 1999 when I for the first time I split from my wife. She was interfering with my addiction, I got some help and quit porn and alcohol/drugs for two years. I had no program and quit cold turkey. We were separated 6 months, the longest time of my life. I started my studies and over two years became a Pastor and a clinical adviser. I quit drugs and alcohol but slowly went back to porn. Over the next 7-8 years I hid it well, after all I didn't drink or use so everything looked fine to everyone around me. I tacked up about $10,000 over 7-8 years from my adult porn use.
In 2010 a few months ago I tore up all my credit cards. I do not have any now and was ready to quit. Unfortunately being a long time computer nut, I found how to get porn free through peer services. I did that for about 3-4 months as I saw my desperation over the last few months to get porn I knew it was time.

I am tired of the lies, the stealing from the INTERNET.
Through my addiction, I helped other ppl allot, I gave cars to ppl
I gave food I set up community services all to cover my guilt and shame of my undercover life. I have made amends to many ppl over the years for stealing and doing some bad things. I am somewhat at peace over the last year. But This addiction to porn was crazy. I tried finally looking at myself hard and realizing that If I want to stay helping ppl then I have to quit lying to myself. I guess this is a start to the group journal thanks for listening ( reading). I never fit in anywhere for my Drugs and Alcohol recovery until AA and NA, I sure hope I fit in here.

[2frustrated]

Your story is very interesting. It seems like p is your last battle--the warfront that will bring life's decisive victory. But as you fight this last battle, try to see what is behind the opposing army. Their weapons are p and mb, but what is the real force behind that? What are your deepest, undealt wth, psychological fears that are driving the opposing army? What inside you is p serving to cover up? Fight the battle on both fronts. Fight with the behavioral weapons that will deflect the assault of p; but also work on the strategic flank that will diffuse the very power that p possesses.

[JenMac]

HI Paul!
Thank you for sharing your story with us! You have travelled a tough road to get to this place! I am glad you are here and I am sure you will fit in well with others here. After all many here share your struggles! There is no better place to receive strength and understanding than from those very people!
2Frustrated gave you some very good thoughts! REcovery requires you to dig deep within yourself to find answers to your struggles.
REad, read, and read some more! There is a lot of wisdom here and you can gain so much by being here!
All the best!
Jenn

[paddingtonbear]

Thankyou for that Badtoad and my hopes and warmth go out to you. Stay strong lad !

Padders .

[RootedinGod]

Interesting week, I have been at peace and my mind seems to just open. I feel happy and content.
My counseling has been much better with those I am working with and even my peers.

I really like that I have joined this group, helping others and seeing how to help myself is really cool.

I have not posted my in the journal as I have just been having fun throughout the forum. I was very reluctant about joining a PA/SA group and then I saw there was SO's here. What am I a glutton for abuse LOL.
But then I saw a great side of this group, and area I can not see from my own addiction very clear. The pain and hope that SO's have. wows me.

My life is well, I am beginning to work at my true conviction.

I will post more soon.
In closing my favorite Lyrics to recovery by Kansas,

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more


RIG

[rosie]

That's the spirit RIG :D

[RootedinGod]

I haven't written in my journal for awhile.
I am going to take some time away from this forum,
I can not say why because I was instructed to refrain from sharing my views or my concerns which is what I would write, so I wont because I can't LOL. And I can not say from whom either. But thats ok I am a grown up so no worries.

I can say that I have been in counseling for many years, and that when people engage with others in a professional manner they should be well versed in Mental Health issues. I think commenting how how a person should think or act is for professionals and not for the casual user. At my work, you can make or break a client by carelessness, or thinking of ones self.
I have a technique of being open and honest and real.
I guess some think fairy tales and butterflies work, but life as an addict is not like that.
I am keeping my sobriety, but going to take some time away from the group to descide if this is the place for me.
I am used to the hard core reality of my job, and AA/NA stuctures. And my views may be to intense and real for the group. These are no BS in your face type places I associate myself with and that I am used to. I am not used to warm and fuzzies as a long term way to stay sober. In fact I have never seen it work. Addicts are manipulative, plain and simple. And well I wont go into my views about that here.
I also can not control how people react or think, not possible.
If I person feels unfortable thats their problem, as long as one is not being judgmental.

I will drop by from time to time, and see how its going in the group. I am going to hunt for another venue that works for me too. This is my journal so hopefully I can share my feeling about me here ?? I will probably only keep a journal here for so hopefull I can stay out of trouble by posting here from the powers that be.

Hey stay strong my brothers and sisters in addiction. Keep coming back it works.


Ok well seey.. a guys around.
RIG ..... out.>:D<

[Aloevera]

I am sorry RiG.
I wish I had bothered to check out what had happened to you and then I would have understood your difficulties.

I really hope you continue to find peace, your journey has been quite remarkable!
Best
AV

[grasshopper]

I will drop by from time to time, and see how its going in the group. I am going to hunt for another venue that works for me too. This is my journal so hopefully I can share my feeling about me here ??

I hope you do keep dropping by and I hope you feel that it would help you to continue to post in your journal here. I will certainly read it. You have my support in your recovery and also in continuing as a member of this community.

All the best to you

'hopper